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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite worried about this boy, when his mum seems to think he is a girl??

196 replies

hulahoopyfingers · 19/09/2009 17:04

Yes I know don't be so judgy

Yes I know it is none of my business, but tbh I am actually quite worried/bemused/not sure what to say about this situation

We met a new mum about a year ago who has two children a girl of 5 and a boy of 2

When we first met them the boy had just turned 1. To cut a long story short the mum dresses and treats this boy as a girl. He had lovely long hair to his waist which is often in plaits, hairbands, tied up with ribbons. He wears girls clothes, not just girly clothes but pastel patent shoes, frilly socks, girls blouses and tops, the other day I saw him in pink cords with flowers on the pockets.

To look at him you would think he was a girl. I did for the first 3 times we met. He has a unisex name and I wasn't sure who she was talking about whenever she said he or him. Everytime I am with her and we met other people they think he is a girl and say she etc the mum doesn't correct them at all.

I don't know why this is bothering me. My DS has quite long hair himself. It wouldn't be bothering me at all if I thought he was inputting into it himself and saying I want to wear this or I want my hair up but he doesn't talk yet.

I just keep getting a weird this is not right feel about it.

I am waiting for the influx of YABU and here is why

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/09/2009 22:27

TBH, I'd be suprised at a dad being happy with this.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 19/09/2009 22:36

wow. mega

Original poster
hulahoopyfingers · 19/09/2009 23:36

Just to let you all know that I have asked MNHQ to delete this thread

So hopefully it will self destruct sometime soon

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 20/09/2009 10:47

OK, so before this thread disapeared...it's just fashion, at the end of the day.

It's not like she is calling him a girl when he is a boy.

Or maybe he is a girl, and she referes to him as a boy...

charitygirl · 20/09/2009 11:11

Whether or not this is real, and whether or not this particular case is 'abusive' I am shocked by how unquestioning you all are of your reactions. Especially comments like 'well, its more normal to see girls dressed up as boys' (well, why do you think that is?) or 'you shouldn't mess around with a child's gender identity' as if you have any idea what this child's 'gender identity' IS.

BitOfFun · 20/09/2009 13:27

Well, it's gotta be a fifty-fifty shot...

MANATEEequineOHARA · 20/09/2009 20:13

Charitygirl... 'you all are' is a tad patronising!

Lilyloo · 20/09/2009 20:17

Charitygirl i think people are pointing out society is more accepting of girls wearing trousers and having short hair than boys in ribbons and dresses , never said that was right or wrong but a fact nontheless

cockles · 20/09/2009 20:53

'Wear their differences very visibly'? God forbid, eh? Anyone different should just hide under a stone.

MrsFawlty · 21/09/2009 08:41

She wasn't saying that cockles.

pigletmania · 21/09/2009 09:12

I was a bit at first, but after reading lavenderkates post i might think that she is onto something. Yes how do you know hes a she, and she might have a condition where a baby has both genitals and that in the upcoming future this 'boy' will be changed to a girl hence the unisex name. Dont jump in at the deep end unless you know the full picture. Can you talk to the mother? Or mabey he is going through a phase whereby kids just want to be know if they are a boy as a girl so the mum is going along with it in the hope he will grow out of it.

pigletmania · 21/09/2009 09:13

sorry mean to say how do you know that he is not a she got it wrong in my sleep deprived state

masonicpixiesreadthedailymail · 21/09/2009 09:16

OP - I'm impressed a 1 yo has waist length hair

cockles · 21/09/2009 09:22

I know, but I find this thread really worrying. Someone earlier said, I think, that people locally were 'angry' about this family. I know of a queer family who sound quite similar, and who are regularly subjected to homophobic violence because of those differences. I know mothers who support their sons' interest in wearing 'girls' clothes' to give them the freedom of making their own gender identity. It may not seem like common sense to 'average' society, but it is a very carefully thought out choice, and it sounds far more likely to me that this is the situation than a mother who somehow can't accept masculinity. As for late breastfeeding, are there really people still around who think it's weird and evidence of some kind of mental maladjustment on the part of the mother? Because it's not.

madusa · 21/09/2009 09:36

at the age of 2, my son would wear his big sisters dresses if they were playing "big girls" together.

We even took him out for a meal in a beautful frilly dress (and big boys boots!) once as he wouldn't change out of it.

Boys do not seem to mind the clothes thing when they are little

My son used to take his fabric doll to church with us too

overthemill · 21/09/2009 09:45

i'm guessing MN have decided not to remove this thread. it's fine surely to raise questions wwhen an individual's 'gut' feeling is that something is wrong? I have no idea who/where this is as i haven't looked up anybody but surely if so many people feel its wrong then it may well be? it doesnt feel right to me for a kid to be treated like this and the role of society is to protect our young.

i know that everyone is different and i am well aware of the issues around gender/sexual politics but some people are just plain weird.

but public gossiping is also wrong - do something if you feel something is wrong (always always, dont worry that ss or the nspcc but dont glory in the whispering and gossip.

overthemill · 21/09/2009 09:48

meant to say as last sentence - don't worry that officials will judge you - they are there to protect children and will not mind if no-one is actually at risk, they would rather be called upon unnecessarily than not be called and miss a child in need.

katiestar · 21/09/2009 09:50

My first thought was this child is intersex.
Before you all jump on your high horses and phone NSPCC perhaps think how you would cope in that situation

overthemill · 21/09/2009 09:53

i know that there may be real reasons for her behaviour towards her son. but my point is that more people should act on their gut feeling that something is wrong around kids and take action. not necessarily that this case is abuse but that instincts are there for a reason.

annamama · 21/09/2009 09:58

I think Hula just wanted to see what some other people thought about this, she didn't start the thread to gossip... nothing wrong with that! So what if the mother reads this thread, then perhaps she will realise people are concerned and maybe even post an explanation.

I know it's hard to "interfere" but if it was me I would be concerned too and I think I would pluck up the courage to talk to the mother about it all. And depending on the outcome have a chat with SS or NSPCC too.

Better safe than sorry...

Once I was going to inform SS about a child I thought might be suffering, but I didn't only because my friend (who was seeing the child's father) asked me not to. Still feel bad about that and am wondering if that child is ok now.

StillSquiffy · 21/09/2009 10:01

So FBB knows Mrs F and they know OSODOSE (Odd son or daughter of someone else) but OSODOSE is not the same OSODOSE that OP and IKTT know, although OP and IKTT don't know each other? And even though OSODOSENo1 and OSODOSENo2 are not the same child, the posters alude to possibilities that the DM's seem to share unusual* bf similarities?

Shame on you if this turns out to be true and gets lifted for a weekly posting in the DailyFacist*

**unusual being a loose term that of course depends on your politics
**a fictional newspaper which of course bears no resemblance to any real newspaper, living or dead.

katiestar · 21/09/2009 10:03

Ok but at 2 I really don't think you need to worry.We have pictures of my grandad at that age wearing white dresses

Babieseverywhere · 21/09/2009 10:14

It sounds like an interesting situation, why not ask the mum in question ?

Then she will the option of explaining the situation to you if she wants too or a
polite brush off if she doesn't.

thehairybabysmum · 21/09/2009 10:15

The intersex point is a good one, but surely if this was hte case then in combination with dressing them as a girl you would also refer to them as she.

To dress as one sex and refer to child as another is surely even more confusing for the child and seems to 'hedging bets'. Doesnt seem to fit with what Scorpette said about advice given to parents of intersex children (to bring up as a girl).

Also FWIW perfectly possible for a boy to have v. long hair at age 2...both mine would have if it wasnt cut regularly

katiestar · 21/09/2009 10:19

I think if i had an intersex child hedging bets is exactly what I would do
and maybe at 2 he wants to wear what his sister wears.If the child was 5 then I would start to have concerns but at 2 -no