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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that 'counselling' in any of its myriad guises is by and large a bloody waste of time?

260 replies

moondog · 17/09/2009 21:48

At best a self-indulgence, at worst positively damaging.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/09/2009 14:38

I'm really glad, OP, that you never had to find out the hard way just what amazing things counselling can do for some people, or for yourself.

The same way you never had to find out that some people just don't have as much energy as you have.

Because they're different.

You're very very fortunate.

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr · 18/09/2009 16:10

it;s a shame then that the OP has to play silly games like this then isn't it?

HerBeatitude · 18/09/2009 16:14

Regarding the debate about professional counsellors versus friends and family, apart from anything else, I found that I had no desire to talk to friends about the pain and desperation I was feeling. I couldn?t talk about childhood memories without bursting into tears and I couldn?t talk about how scared I was of being an inadequate mother like my own, without fear of being judged. I didn?t want to share my most intimate secrets and fears and pain with friends who would inevitably then see me through that prism of having been an abused child and an adult who hadn?t quite got over it yet ? who would possibly still see me that way 10 years later when I had got over it. I had a horror of people seeing me so vulnerable and so pathetic. It?s not just about inflicting your pain on them, it?s about your own privacy and having bits of your life that you simply cannot face sharing with anybody else. Funnily enough, now that I don?t feel so vulnerable about it, I can share it with anyone I want ? because I had professional counselling!

whoisasking · 18/09/2009 16:32

"I had a horror of people seeing me so vulnerable and so pathetic"

This completely mirrors my own experience, PLUS everyone around me was falling apart as well, it would have truly been the blind leading the blind.

I had counselling after the suicide of my father, within a 6 month period I had lost my husband, my house and my Dad. I was NOT mentally ill, but fuck me, I don't think I wss self indulgent! It was more a case of: "My life has shattered into a million pieces, I think I need some help to deal with it"

This thread has upset me, and I am not going to read anymore, but I would just like to say one more thing.

The attitude towards mental health which has been displayed by some posters on this thread is exactly the sort of attitude which meant my dad COULDN'T get the help he needed and why he took his own life.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 18/09/2009 16:41

well, overall, there seem to be a majority very much in favour of counselling/therapy, particularly CBT. Hopefully this justifies the massive new push that is happening right now in the NHS to expand CBT availablity.

Llamarama · 18/09/2009 16:49

It seems very difficult on MN to properly discuss anything (and I know maybe AIBU prob isn't the place to try). People take such all or nothing stances and intelligent thought seems to fly out of the window when that happens.
I'm not against therapy (for the 100th time) in fact I have a lot of experience of it myself from both sides of the table so to speak, but you know, its still possible to want to critique and question it's use - but I'm going to give up on anyone joining me in this I think and leave this thread.

Llamarama · 18/09/2009 17:06

By both sides of the table - I mean myself and family members having had counselling (and some of it very good, tho not all) - just in case you thought I was 'one of them'.

Llamarama · 18/09/2009 17:08
Grin
cory · 18/09/2009 17:10

yes, flouncing is such an intelligent way of discussing things

various posters have answered you with examples of situations where leaning on family support is not appropriate: this seems a reasonably intelligent way of conducting an argument to me

girlywhirly · 18/09/2009 17:14

Sometimes an impartial ear is needed, as friends and relatives may have biased views. This doesn't mean that they cannot help a person and support them emotionally in addition.

But you must get on with the counsellor and be completely comfortable with them to get the maximum benefit. And they can help you to examine your problems from many angles so that you can find a way to work through them.

thumbwitch · 18/09/2009 17:49

Sometimes family and friends are highly inappropriate BECAUSE they have had no training.

Sometimes you just want to talk, you don't want others to tell you what to do, or offer advice, or tell you about their own problems - and most "ordinary" people cannot just sit and listen to someone's outpourings without trying to do something to "help".

I have had counselling training (although didn't complete it, because I realised I wasn't in a good enough place myself to be a good counsellor at that time) and I can tell you that sitting and just listening without offering any suggestions/ advice/ opinion/ experience is bloody hard!

My sister and I have both had counselling for various reasons - at no point would it have been appropriate for us to talk to our family about the problems, largely because many of the problems were rooted in our family - nothing major, as has been suggested by other posters, just a family atmosphere of really low self worth, discontent and misery that plagued us into adult life.

I have (ab)used friends' listening skills before - when I split from my first very long-term bf - they would listen to me for hours, bless their hearts - but how awful I feel now for having bored them rigid with me going over and over the same old crap for months on end. At least with a counsellor someone is paying them to listen to you so it removes the guilt aspect! And family were not much use at the time because they kept telling me to forget him, get over him, move on, stop talking about him etc. Not what I needed.

dawntigga · 18/09/2009 18:27

YABU I'd have killed myself without talking therapies. They do a lot of good if you find the right therapist - most people give up at one instead of finding the right fit.

GladForTalkingTherapiesTiggaxx

Reallytired · 18/09/2009 21:39

Councelling is a nightmare. Anti depressants are the best thing for clinical depression.

cory · 18/09/2009 21:47

ReallyTired, not everyone who gets counselling has clinical depression. People get it for all sorts of reasons: bereavement, dealing with abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, coming to terms with chronic illness.

skihorse · 18/09/2009 21:48

YABU.

Furthermore to add insult to injury you are perpetuating the myth that psychotherapy is a "waste of time" thus indicating that those who want/need it are "weak".

skihorse · 18/09/2009 21:50

Erikamaye I'm surprised you haven't researched BPD more, I'm also a little disappointed that you've not read my posts on BPD in the Mental Health section where I talk about a cure for BPD. (Schema Therapy)

Snorbs · 18/09/2009 22:38

"Hopefully this justifies the massive new push that is happening right now in the NHS to expand CBT availablity. "

CBT can be fantastically effective for certain problems but it's not a panacea. There was a R4 programme a while back about the NHS's expansion of CBT services and one of the concerns raised was that it seemed to be at the expense of other therapeutic approaches not to mention general counselling (aka "talk therapy"). It was suggested that the NHS's fascination with CBT over other therapies was driven more by the brevity and, hence, cheapness of the typical CBT course than it necessarily being the best choice for a given issue.

Ninks · 18/09/2009 23:25

Agree about the inappropriateness of the inner-child thing. I was given all that when I'd paid to be hypnotised about giving up smoking. Perhaps AIBU and that was all important but the dangly-ear-ringed joss-stick-burning lady in the expensive house did say that I should come back and part with even more money for it.

But that's just my experience. I think counselling does have a place in modern life. I do think it's over-used though and that some people think it's a cop-out.

My ExH would make NO effort to be reasonable or to curb his temper and he was always saying that I should arrange counselling or Anger Management FOR him.

He must have got this idea from daytime TV while I was at work. What was wrong with him perhaps going to work himself FGS?

And then came more violence and the promise of counselling because that was what he'd seen on JK.

And then I threw him out sans fecking counselling because he was dangerous.

thumbwitch · 19/09/2009 00:05

SNorbs - I couldn't agree more. CBT is great in its place but it just isn't right for every one or every situation, although it can achieve fantastic results in the right application.

cory - well said.

hambler · 19/09/2009 00:32

YANBU

Been to relate,
CBT,
Psychotherapy.

All pants

SolidGoldBrass · 19/09/2009 00:37

I really can see both sides of this. COunselling does help some people a lot but it's still possible for deranged numpties to set themselves up as counsellors; it's not the most tightly-regulated of professions. And it wouldn't be dissing the whole of modern medicine to observe that some doctors are deranged numpties, either.
ANd there are some very self-obsessed people who go from one sympathetic (because being paid by the hour) tissue wielder to the next when what they really need is to get their heads out of their arses for a while. Counselling can sometimes give already-nasty people better weapons or at least provide lazy, selfish tossers with ready-made justification for remaining lazy and selfish - 'my therapist says I've got to love myself more...'
But the whole area of mental health is really imprecise. ADs work great for some people with some problems, but even those who do well on their ADs may have, or have had, some lively months of dodgy side effects etc while the specific mix of drugs that would work for them was sorted out.

poshsinglemum · 19/09/2009 02:09

I've had some real corkers - such as the one who told me that I was not very succesful on my own.
I know she's right but it wasn't very nice of her to tell me!
Some are decent though but I think that it's important to remember that they are only human and have issues too like everyone else.

ladylush · 19/09/2009 03:13

Basically there is not a one size fits all............and this applies to the whole spectrum of treatments - pharmacological and psychological.

junglist1 · 19/09/2009 08:13

Talking therapy can reduce even symptoms of schizophrenia better than anti psychotics alone. Contrary to popular opinion that it's an entirely biological disorder, there are social factors involved, as well as cognitive distortion.
There is loads of sometimes conflicting research out there, different therapies seem to suit different people and issues. Counsellor behaviour can be an important factor, as well as expectations of the client, who may expect advice giving in some cases. Up to 30% of counselling relationships break down.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/09/2009 08:24

Well, as with everything, one size doesn't fit all, and one of the easiest ways to tell a competent counsellor from a fuckwit would be to check whether or not s/he understands that.