to think it's high time somebody started an "I'm an imperfect mother" thread on here? Jeeez the number of perfectly perfect mums on here atm is quite scary

[emkana]

Okay I'll start

I'm not a perfect mother because

I lose my temper
I let them watch x factor and the cube on a Saturday night, and don't even read them a bedtime story after
I've taken them out of school for holidays

Back to my normal name, don't feel so glib now.

My friend is a brilliant mother to her two kids. She regrets saying it but it happened. Her daughter has no understanding of the word bitch or fuck.
It was an unfortunate incident but as an isolated episode, what is the huge deal here?
We are not talking regular verbal abuse..we're talking about a tired, sleep deprived, fustrated mother at the end of her patience.

of course it's a horrible thing to say to a toddler but I don't think as an isolated episode it is that abnormal. Maybe on here though....

i think the point of this thread has been lost...

suppose a friend said to you she'd sworn at her kids in a moment of anger - wouldn't you think 'she must have been having a crap day?' - cos i would. if you posted that on MN, no doubt several would post along the lines of 'that's abusive' or indeed 'see a counsellor'.

sometimes i feel on some threads that people are unwilling to admit to doing anything outside stepford parenting, which creates an atmosphere in which everyone edits out everything controversial from their posts (for instance, my toddler gets bran flakes for breakfast, but i felt reluctant to post that for fear of people pointing out in shocked tones how salty/ sugary it is)

then some poor mum who is having a crap day flips at her kids, and is made to feel that she is utterly alone in the world in having ever done so!

had MN existed in the 80's i can just imagine my MIL going online to scold people that hit and yell at their children, whilst failing to mention her own sons appalling behaviour -

good parenting is about far more than what you don't do.

I agree with onepinionatedmother. I left another very well known parenting website because I was sick of being belittled and made to feel crap by people who despite spending all day on the internet still managed to cook every meal for their kids from scratch, home taught, thought Fruit Shoots were from the Devil and believed everyone who used strollers instead of carrying their kids around in a sling till they were three years old were lazy, slovenly, thick chavs.
Guess it's the same here..shame.

Sorry but swearing and smacking way different to fruit shoots.

I am not smug nor perfect. I do however think verbal and physical abuse are wrong.

I don't apologise for that.

As human beings we do a lot of things we realise to be wrong.
It doesn't mean we are bad parents. Just human.

I think as far as swearing is concerned that the context is everything. I swear my head off in front of the kids. I also call them rude names. They do the same back to me but it's always in a humorous, joshing sort of context.And they know you don't do it at Granny's/in school/to other adults etc etc.

We like it. It's fun.

Having said that I don't think have ever sworn in an angry way at them. When I've lost it, I've shouted, and thrown stuff, and cried, and all of these are crap imo. But swearing in our house is...I dunno, a sort of guilty pleasure..

But on the other hand if they go to bed without having had their 5 veg for the day I feel shit

The comments are starting to annoy me.

No one has said that if a MNer posts
" I just lost it. I was having a bad moment and I just yelled at DCs and I feel terrible" that MN pulls up its Boden pants, dusts off the organic rice cakes crumbs and lectures the OP. That never happens collectively - I have never seen it.

They are usually given support and sympathy.Of course not from every single poster but MN never works like that.

But that was not what this thread was about. This was a jokey thread that decended into
" chortle I shout and swaer at my kids all the time, we all do it - if you don't you are an uptight prig."

that was what generated the replies.
Now people have said they were confessing one off incidents but that was not how it read.

To suggest that individual posters do not get support when they are stressed is bollocks.
Most people have been at breaking point and sympathise. And somtimes confirming that feeling at boiling point is OK but you need to walk away and not vent is what the OP needs to hear.

...ooops. Only looked at the first and last pages and I thought us swearers were getting told off. Did I miss a big row in the middle?

Jesus, this is still going on?

Swearing at your kids in an aggressive manner is not ok.

Being overheard swearing is not great but happens.

I think you all actually agree with each other but you're going round in circles just for the sake of it.

Did I miss the posts implying that you are an uptight prig if you don't succumb to swearing at your kids now and again?
I thought this was a thread about general things we do that makes us human and sometimes imperfect parents?
It made me feel loads better earlier in the thread. Now of course I feel like I've just won Shit Mother Of The Year...AGAIN!
Thanks guys.

the very definition of MN.

I am. I'm enjoying the tussle!

I don't think swearing is that big a deal really...it's the level of anger expressed at kids when shouting at them that makes a difference...and if you are spitting fury at them, what difference does the words you use make?

I'm sure that a lot of the behaviours described above take place within the general context of a warm and loving relationship, and I think that its alright for kids to know that people get really bloody annoyed when they have been wound up/whinged at all day long.

The expected level of direct parental interactions with children seems to be extremely high these days, with little opportunity for children to go off and play independently or 'get out from under parents' feet', and I think that this can lead to high levels of stress for parents, and little 'down time' to chill out. Also, kids become dependent on constant reassurance, and perhaps unable to play imaginatively or safely alone.

My reading of the 'purpose' of this thread is for people to realise that they are not alone...and that perhaps they need feel less levels of guilt about this than they actually do..."okay, I swore at the kids...not ideal, but let's move on rather than self-flagellating", and lets stop talking about the slightest transgression in a hysterical tone.

Also, I note many people criticising the OP for not 'asking for help', but I have not seen many people offer suggestions or alternatives either.

Lizzylou, he's due december 22nd
i quit smoking for about the first four months then gave into stress and temptation

being 16 and a mum tends to make people asume im going to give him stella in his bottle and leave him in a dirty nappy for a day or so
therefore i think im going to have to be the most perfect parent in the world to make up for being young or ill be a 'typical teenage mum'
its so frustrating, i know every mum gets the judgmental people but it gets alot worse if your under 25
i was stood rubbing my belly looking at baby clothes in mothercare and 3 differnt women looked down there nose at me

I haven't seen one post critisising the op for not asking for help. Why would she need help? Because she lets her children watch the X Factor?
She started a light hearted thread about imperfect parenting and it desended into posters saying they smack and swear at their dcs as if these were behaviours in the same catergory as emkana's op.
They are not.
And it is these posters that should be asking for help.

The purpose of the thread has been twisted, imo, and been used by some posters as a way to feel better about the (in some cases) frankly hideous way they treat their children.( I refer particularly to a post from a mother who bribes her children not to tell their teachers that they were absent from school cos their mum was too pissed to take them)

She didn't say she was too pissed to take them. She implied she was too hung over to drive. Not ideal I admit but as a one off hardly makes her Rose West does it?
People need to get a grip.
Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you can never letr your hair down.
Sometimes I drink too much and feel like total crap all day whilst looking after my kids. It isn't often and they are always safe.

Am I the only one with a short fuse, little patience and willing to hold my hands up and say caring for toddlers is bloody fustrating, tedious, irritating and that I often struggle with my temper?

And I didn't mean I drink in the day...sometimes my partner and I overdo it in the evenings with the wine. I use it to wind down from my often awful mood.
Not particularly healthy but again, I am a bad mother...apparently.

Why am I making myself worse? Because I have a short temper? I have sworn at my kid ONCE and smacked them on the bum TWICE.
99% of the time I think I do an addequate job...crap compared to the average sanctimonious MNer of course.
I can live with that though. I know enough real mothers to know I'm doing ok overall.

I've looked after my kids many a time with a hangover...is that really bad