My husband has been mugged (or something). I lack sympathy. Am I very horrible or just slightly awful?

[NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn]

On another of his benders. Went off to get computer fixed at 930am yesterday morning. About 3pm I phoned him 4 times in a row - it rang but no answer and then the 5th time his phone was off I wouldn't mind but I was only trying to get him because I needed a number that's stored on his phone! I didn't give a shit where he was! Anyway, I digress...

So no sign of him last night. I took the kids to my parents' house, had a moan (and a fag!) came home, went to bed. No sign of him this morning. Oh well, I thought. Went to Tesco, came back. Cos you see, I no longer care where he is when he disappears. I just plod on with my day.

Got a phone call from him. "Turned your mobile back on now I see" was my opener

Anyway. Turns out the stupid drunken fuck met some blokes last night, went with them back to their place to carry on drinking and overhead them in another room talking about beating him up and taking his wallet!

So he legged it!

But no wallet or keys

And he's been wandering round for hours because he didn't want to call me!

So I am now waiting for locksmith, have cancelled all the cards, and am waiting for him to get up (yes, he went to bed cos he's knackered and upset!) so he can report it to the police so I can get a crime number which is the only way the insurance company will change my car lock!

Oh, and we are now £80 lighter so lets hope the kids old school shoes still fit cos I now can't buy them new ones.

I know I ought to feel sorry for him but I just think he's a twat and maybe this'll teach him!

What I mean by a different way of looking at the situation is to forget the boozing entirely. Instead, look at what he's doing. For example, he stays out all night without notice or calls. He often spends mornings, if not entire days, unfit for and abdicating from parenting responsibilities. He's not pulling his weight in the relationship because he just takes off on his own. He's spending family money on selfish pursuits without discussion or agreement. He picks pointless arguments for his own reasons and which are never satisfactorily resolved.

Those are concrete problems in a relationship. Getting involved in discussions about what circumstances he'll drink is a monumental distraction and utterly pointless. Not least because an alcoholic will argue that black is white if it means they feel justified in getting pissed.

Once you can become clear about the concrete problems, it becomes much clearer that there's a massive lack of respect and regard being shown to Hec as a person in her own right and the family as a unit. Hec does the responsible, consistent and loving mum thing, he sods off whenever he likes.

All the time that Hec mentally frames this as "well, one day he might stop drinking and then we'll finally reach our happy-ever-after" she's concentrating on the drinking as the root of the problems in the relationship while also placing the onus on him to resolve the issues.

I used to feel exactly the same about my relationship with my ex. I thought that if I could somehow persuade her to control/stop drinking then everything would be wonderful. In my case it was only when I finally realised that I had already lost everything I held to be important - my relationship was a loveless and periodically abusive sham, my kids were unhappy and unsettled, I was desperately unhappy and the stress was making me physically ill - that I broke through that fantasy and saw the cold, hard reality of what I was living with.

I knew that I could no longer survive living like that and I realised that something, anything, had to change. It didn't really matter what as, whatever happened, it couldn't be worse than what I was already facing. And I also realised that I'd wasted years hoping and waiting for my then-partner to change and all that had really happened was that her bad behaviours had got worse as her alcoholism had progressed. I couldn't rely on her to do anything positive so it was clear that if I wanted things to be different then it would have to be me making the changes.

Shit! Will you look at the time! I'm off to bed as I've got to get the kids up for school in the morning. Hecate, keep thinking about what you want from life and keep talking. You'll find a way through this, I know.

NeverLeapFrog, it has taken courage for you to get this far, and determination, and persistence. You have everything you need to make it without this man. You just have to accept that you deserve better, that your children deserve better, and you have it in your power to make a change for the better for you.

Your comment about being chucked a crumb or two is right on the mark.

The thing is that no matter what outsiders say nobody is ready to leave a relationship until THEY are ready. Hecate is going through huge changes at the moment and from what I gather still has some mobility issues. I think it is a lot to expect to want her to end her marriage just like that.

Also - the weight issue. I too am overweight and in a sexless marriage (however DH is great otherwise). I too hold on to the idea/dream that if I lose the weight then things may change in that department. I am sure Hecate does too. I totally understand that for Hecate right now it is enough to be dealing with the weight and undergoing counselling. She has already said she is confused and has lots of things going around in her head. She hasn't said that he has carte blanche to continue his behaviour. She is getting stronger and probably won't put up with this for much longer. But she feels that her marriage is worth a shot. And I think that we should respect that.

Alcoholics can and do stop drinking. She has already said she has printed off the stuff for him. His reaction to it will be telling.

All this aside Hecate - I do think that if he gets away with it he will continue it. And it is not behaviour you want your children seeing. Your children are seeing you changing your life. They do not need to see you accepting their Dad's behaviours to you. So if I were you I would sit down with him today and give him the AA info and warn him starkly that if he does not get help and if it happens again he is out. While he is on future bender locksmith will be called and locks changed. Leave him under no illusions that you mean it.

I think in that way you will feel that you have done everything you can and it is up to him. And for him it may well be the catalyst for change that he may need to see himself for what he is. As others have said 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. You do need to change your reaction to his benders for him to take responsibility.

And remember - as an alcoholic he may actually need to hit rock-bottom to accept his problem. Some do. And also remember that if you do end up kicking him out it may actually be the best thing for him as it may force him to take responsibility in a way that he doesn't have to at the moment. But then again he might not. Even that may not be his 'rock-bottom'. But that is not up to you. That is up to HIM. All you can do is change your reactions. You can't change him.

But I do totally understand that you need to feel totally ready to do it and strong enough to carry it out. And if you don't feel it yet then wait until you do. And you will get there.

I think there is no reason why you can't have 2 strategies in place

1. That you carry on losing weight etc & ask him to accept is alcoholism and to deal with it.

1. You carry on losing weight with every intention of him leaving once you are mobile enough.

Presumably that gives him x months before you ask him to leave which gives him x months to face his demon and start changing.