My husband has been mugged (or something). I lack sympathy. Am I very horrible or just slightly awful?

[NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn]

On another of his benders. Went off to get computer fixed at 930am yesterday morning. About 3pm I phoned him 4 times in a row - it rang but no answer and then the 5th time his phone was off I wouldn't mind but I was only trying to get him because I needed a number that's stored on his phone! I didn't give a shit where he was! Anyway, I digress...

So no sign of him last night. I took the kids to my parents' house, had a moan (and a fag!) came home, went to bed. No sign of him this morning. Oh well, I thought. Went to Tesco, came back. Cos you see, I no longer care where he is when he disappears. I just plod on with my day.

Got a phone call from him. "Turned your mobile back on now I see" was my opener

Anyway. Turns out the stupid drunken fuck met some blokes last night, went with them back to their place to carry on drinking and overhead them in another room talking about beating him up and taking his wallet!

So he legged it!

But no wallet or keys

And he's been wandering round for hours because he didn't want to call me!

So I am now waiting for locksmith, have cancelled all the cards, and am waiting for him to get up (yes, he went to bed cos he's knackered and upset!) so he can report it to the police so I can get a crime number which is the only way the insurance company will change my car lock!

Oh, and we are now £80 lighter so lets hope the kids old school shoes still fit cos I now can't buy them new ones.

I know I ought to feel sorry for him but I just think he's a twat and maybe this'll teach him!

No, it's not. I feel I have to have a real reason to ask him to leave. Something more than me feeling unhappy. That on its own isn't enough.

of course it is enough !!!

do you not believe your own opinion is valid ?

what has happened to you so that you do not trust your own instincts?

I don't believe that simply me being unhappy is enough, no. In all honesty, I don't think I have the right to break my children away from their father in some quest for personal happiness.

No, he won't acknowledge he has an alcohol problem. the 'norm' - it happens a few times yes! I'd say once every couple of months, maybe 3 months atm. Although it used to be practically every week when we were first married! having said that, this is the second time in about 3 weeks - that is not his normal pattern.

I wouldnt feel sorry for him either, he is a twat, i havent even met him i want to beat him up too.

NeverLeap - Men will only treat you, how you allow them too.

Sounds like you are very tired and have given up.

I did wonder if he was very annoying! When he is drunk he talks such total shit and goes on and on and on and on, totally takes over a conversation, never lets anyone else speak... that all gets on my tits, so I can imagine how strangers might feel!

He's still in bed. I want to go out. I think I am going to go upstairs and tell him I am popping out for milk...

and come home on Tuesday!

claw - that is true. I have dismissed from my mind any real hope of what I would call a proper husband. And I get on with the day to day stuff, co-parenting etc. And he's a nice bloke! And we get on fine!

But there is a little romantic spark in me who dreams

You are quite right that you are treated how you allow yourself to be treated. I know that. I should have walked away before we married. But I wanted to be married. Wanted to show the world someone wanted me!

I think you should phone alanon for advice. He sounds like an alcoholic.

Why stay?
He has no consideration for you, IMO!

How would you feel if your dc put up with this from their spouses? You are teaching them that your marital situation is completely acceptable.

It's very honourable of you NeverLeap... to not want to leave your children without a father in the home. I don't know how old your DCs are, but it might also be worth thinking about the impression he's making on them by being out 'til all hours and useless during the day (on days like today). I'm not saying leave him, that's not for me to say, but his impact, or the impact of his behaviour on them might be something to think about.

Oh yes, I forgot I've changed my name! It's Hecate (or course, who else on here has a husband like THIS!!) I haven't namechanged for secrecy! I just read this 'advice' in a book the other day and the image tickled me.

What do you think of it?

I would LOVE to leave him. Sometimes. Other times I'd give anything to have him be a 'proper' husband! I am so inconsistent!

I sometimes catch a glimpse of the future - me able to do everything for myself - will he still be there? I don't know. But I keep coming back to it not being fair to the kids for me to ask their dad to leave their home because I feel like I ought to have more / different attention and some love. It seems so selfish when they love him so much and he's such a great father.

leap my dp used to do this sort of thing, he'd go out for a couple of beers after work 'i won't be too late though' and then he'd appear the next morning, no phone call from him, no answering my calls etc

it annoyed the hell out of me and there were a number of times i nearly left him, but this was in the first couple of years of our relationship but i'm pleased to say he no longer does this (he never had an alcohol prob though he just did it because he was a knob!)

i know what you mean about it not being a good enough reason to leave as that is how i felt too at the time, but if your dh does have a alcohol problem he really does need to sort this out he is not being a good role model for your dc no matter how good a dad you think he is they will start to question where he is/ why he hasn't come home etc

NeverLeap - I have no idea who you are!

But i do happen to share your view that my childrens happiness comes first.

But its entirely up to you to decide when enough is enough and the fact you put your childrens happiness first, doesnt mean you have to be a door mat.

But how can he be such a brilliant dad when he "mislays" in suspcisious circumstances money that you need for his kids? Sorry it is all excuses and either he agrees to tackle his "problem" and stop going on benders and awol at all or you start to take steps now to become independent of him. At present you are overly forgiving and even rescue him when he cocks up , what incentive is that for him to change ? Not sure I'd cope with living in such limbo.

If he is so trusting after a drink, how long before he invites trouble into your home?

You say you get on with your day when he disappears & I asume that means going to bed, too. So what happens when he brings some guys home for a 'drink' but instead they beat him & beat/rape you & rob your home?

Extreme I know, but he has no concern for his safety, has no/little resepct for you to come home at a decent hour/not pissed. Has no respect for your finances/your kids need for shoes after 'losing' 80 quid (no pound sign) and no respect for his family by losing the house keys.

How many times can you 'overlook' this before you realise that you may all be one step away from real harm?

you are neither very horrible nor slightly awful, you are a saint to put up with him

I second that you should contact al anon for advice

Am I brave enough?

I need to think.

I am going to go out and get a coffee and sit on my own and think.

Am I brave enough to ask him to go?

I'll be back later.

Thanks everyone.