Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has been mugged (or something). I lack sympathy. Am I very horrible or just slightly awful?

180 replies

NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 05/09/2009 12:48

On another of his benders. Went off to get computer fixed at 930am yesterday morning. About 3pm I phoned him 4 times in a row - it rang but no answer and then the 5th time his phone was off I wouldn't mind but I was only trying to get him because I needed a number that's stored on his phone! I didn't give a shit where he was! Anyway, I digress...

So no sign of him last night. I took the kids to my parents' house, had a moan (and a fag!) came home, went to bed. No sign of him this morning. Oh well, I thought. Went to Tesco, came back. Cos you see, I no longer care where he is when he disappears. I just plod on with my day.

Got a phone call from him. "Turned your mobile back on now I see" was my opener

Anyway. Turns out the stupid drunken fuck met some blokes last night, went with them back to their place to carry on drinking and overhead them in another room talking about beating him up and taking his wallet!

So he legged it!

But no wallet or keys

And he's been wandering round for hours because he didn't want to call me!

So I am now waiting for locksmith, have cancelled all the cards, and am waiting for him to get up (yes, he went to bed cos he's knackered and upset!) so he can report it to the police so I can get a crime number which is the only way the insurance company will change my car lock!

Oh, and we are now £80 lighter so lets hope the kids old school shoes still fit cos I now can't buy them new ones.

I know I ought to feel sorry for him but I just think he's a twat and maybe this'll teach him!

OP posts:
beaniebgivesupontheDMarsery · 06/09/2009 12:38

personally, I would be very suspicious of his story. Sounds made up to me!

bellavita · 06/09/2009 13:09

shiver, perhaps you can talk some sense into her or at least go round and kick some sense into that husband of hers.....

As you know, I am a big fan of Hecate and to read all this, it is just so sad

LuluMaman · 06/09/2009 13:15

just scanned thread, and just want to say that hecate, you are worth a million of him

you are an erudite, witty, warm and clever , loving woman, and the fact you are still like this despite his disgusting treatment of you is a testament to how amazing you are

bellavita · 06/09/2009 13:19

Well said Lulu

lou33 · 06/09/2009 13:31

he sounds exactly like my exh was (and still is afaik)

in all honesty he is likely to get worse and worse, especially if he refuses to admit he had a problem

the effects of his drinking on your kids and your self is far reaching in the long term

i felt like you near the end, until the day he disappeared early in the morning then turned up drunk in the afternoon,after picking up the kids from school in the car

that was the line that i needed him to cross to end it finally

shivermetimbers · 06/09/2009 14:56

Bella, i have tried the first many times and begged her to let me do the second. She will never leave. I am really and that, yet again, i had to find stuff out through mn. Either im such a shit sister that she cant talk to me or she knows damn well that i will want to come over and stab him.

bellavita · 06/09/2009 15:03

Erm, I think she knows that you would go over and stab him!

QueenOfFuckingEverything · 06/09/2009 15:14

Hecate, you are worth so very much more than this. Please, believe that your own happiness deserves to take some priority here. This man is not deserving of you.

I had an alcoholic ex partner and the tale of being mugged came from him more times than you'd believe. Crock of shit. Tall tales and barefaced lies are part and parcel of it.

Shivermetimbers, I suspect that it is neither. IME it is actually quite embarassing to admit to how bad things really are sometimes. I never used to tell anyone about some of the things that went on in our relationship. Ex used to piss the bed when he came in drunk, I'd wake up in a pool of it and he wouldn't even notice. I never told anyone until years after we'd split. Didn't want people to know how bad it was, or how stupid/weak I was to put up with it, and also a sense (misplaced mind) of loyalty to him.

confusemenot · 06/09/2009 15:43
Sad
sherazade · 06/09/2009 15:50

thats the thing neverleap. men like that are never out and out shits.

sherazade · 06/09/2009 15:52

oh and to add, i've been in a similar position. only i was the one who was lying to dh about being mugged

Buda · 06/09/2009 16:37

shivermetimbers - I suspect that she would find it very difficult to sit down and admit to you how bad it is. I have gone through periods in my marriage where things have been bad and sometimes I have posted on here in preference to actually talking to friends or family. Talking to friends or family is more permanent and makes it more real and if you either know deep down that you are not going to leave or are just getting things off your chest, talking to someone close who won't let you off the hook is hard. It is much easier to post on here and know that you can get stuff off your chest and then leave it alone for a while if that is what you want to do.

I know that when I have opened up to people and then time passes and things right themselves with DH, I HATE people asking me how things are. IT just makes me uncomfortable and tired. I know tired is a funny expression to use but that is how it makes me feel.

It is no reflection on how close you are as sisters that she chose to let off steam here instead of speaking to you.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 16:47

I have never been through anything like the OP but have been through difficult times with dp, some of which is his fault and some of it mine. I would rather cut off my right arm with a rusty fountain pen that has been used to write daily mail articles than let people know about our bad times. I was the same in my first marriage which was awful, to this day very few people know what went on. So I would not take it personally smt.

There is another factor when your dp is your carer, I am reliant on my dp for more than I would wish and it can affect the dynamic of your relationship. You do perhaps have to put up with more than you would normally.

I know people on here have told me that my dp is a twat, (he isnt but when you post when you are angry people only get one side) but when they found out he was my carer I was told to cling on.

When you are ill and need looking after you do think who else would put up with me, having to do all this when they could go out and get a "normal" partner. You end up cutting them slack which can too easily slip into an imbalance in power within the relationship. I am not saying that the OP should stay, I doubt I would but I can see how people end up staying in relationships which others would dismiss.

dooit · 06/09/2009 16:47

What a mess. You will only leave if and when you are ready Hecate. I know no amount of advice will sway you.

As the daughter of an abusive alcoholic (who was not anywhere near as bad as your DH)can I just say, please don't stay with him for the sake of your children.

I detested my dad from the age of about 10. I loathed the sight, sound and smell of him. I hated the way he treated us and my DM. I often wished him dead and plotted to kill him several times.

My mum stayed with him for 2 reasons,

  1. She married him for better or worse.(Catholic guilt and all that)

  2. For the children.

As a result, the children she wasted her best years trying to protect have grown up to have huge emotional and relationship problems that can be directly linked to his years of abuse and neglect. I love my mum and whilst I don't "blame" her for staying with him as she thought she was doing the right thing, I know, without doubt, that we'd all be much happier, saner adults if she'd walked away in the early years of their marriage.

Her own health has been poor due to the unbearable stress of living with an alcoholic for so long. Ironically she's quite open about the fact that her life is happier since he died (alcohol related) but psychologically she's buggered. Anxiety has taken it's hold on her and in spite of medication and years of various therapies she still walks in his shadow and so do her children.

HarlotOTara · 06/09/2009 16:56

it is such a fallacy - staying together for the sake of the children. Children are very in tune with their parents feelings etc. and do know when something is wrong, ie. tension, misery, drunk parent etc. I know that from my own upbringing and that of people I have worked with who have had shitty family relationships. You won't leave until you are ready - if ever. However please don't think it is for the sake of the children. Have you thought of Al-Anon as a place of support for yourself - although like an alcoholic you need to be ready to access the help and support there is. It sounds like it is there for the asking from your sister.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 17:00

I don't think staying together for children is always a fallacy, it is in some cases and I suspect this is one of them.

I have remained in my relationship for a while because of my dd. With a lot of work we are now very very happy and planning our wedding.

hambler · 06/09/2009 17:20

This is so sad

HarlotOTara · 06/09/2009 17:27

But not in the relationship being described by the OP, I still stand by the fact children are very good at picking up tension and unhappiness in their parents, it is defintely a fallacy to think they remain unaware of unhappiness and all that goes with it.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 17:36

No I agree in the case of your OP it is not the right thing to do but sometimes it is

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 06/09/2009 21:00

shiver - I tried but you were at the festival when I came over. And the signal on your phone went, remember? And apart from that, haven't been able to phone you as I haven't had time alone - iyswim.

Also logged onto yahoo but you weren't there.

You are a FAB sister!!!!

OP posts:
bellavita · 06/09/2009 21:03
bigchris · 06/09/2009 21:04

hope you are ok hecate
and smt dont feel bad, you sound like a wonderful sister

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 06/09/2009 21:15

She's amazing. Really amazing. Always there for me. I would have told her when I next spoke to / saw her. We just kept missing each other over the last few days.

And I didn't namechange for this! I namechanged for - well - a change. All my posts since midweek have been under this name. Actually, I thought you'd recognise it since I read it in that book at your house!

I will be talking at length about all this with the counsellor. I need help because I want 2 conflicting things. I want him to be everything I want in a man and I want him to go. He does have a lot about him that's good - please shiver, even you must admit that!

And today we talked a lot and he's made me promises - one of them is he says he is never going out again. Again, I think 2 conflicting things. I think yeah right and pigs might fly but I also think what if...what if he means it? What if he stops drinking. What if I gave him a list of requirements that he had to meet in order to prove to me it was worth working at? does that make sense?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 21:19

he is never going out again ?

that is not sustainable

it is a shit promise to make...what ?? never set foot out the door ??

silly and immature

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 06/09/2009 21:22

no, he means never going on a night out (bender) alone again. Never going drinking himself stupid again.

OP posts: