My husband has been mugged (or something). I lack sympathy. Am I very horrible or just slightly awful?

[NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn]

On another of his benders. Went off to get computer fixed at 930am yesterday morning. About 3pm I phoned him 4 times in a row - it rang but no answer and then the 5th time his phone was off I wouldn't mind but I was only trying to get him because I needed a number that's stored on his phone! I didn't give a shit where he was! Anyway, I digress...

So no sign of him last night. I took the kids to my parents' house, had a moan (and a fag!) came home, went to bed. No sign of him this morning. Oh well, I thought. Went to Tesco, came back. Cos you see, I no longer care where he is when he disappears. I just plod on with my day.

Got a phone call from him. "Turned your mobile back on now I see" was my opener

Anyway. Turns out the stupid drunken fuck met some blokes last night, went with them back to their place to carry on drinking and overhead them in another room talking about beating him up and taking his wallet!

So he legged it!

But no wallet or keys

And he's been wandering round for hours because he didn't want to call me!

So I am now waiting for locksmith, have cancelled all the cards, and am waiting for him to get up (yes, he went to bed cos he's knackered and upset!) so he can report it to the police so I can get a crime number which is the only way the insurance company will change my car lock!

Oh, and we are now £80 lighter so lets hope the kids old school shoes still fit cos I now can't buy them new ones.

I know I ought to feel sorry for him but I just think he's a twat and maybe this'll teach him!

just because your husband is a drunkard fuckwit doesn't mean you are

does mean as a couple you have some reflecting and thinking to do about responsibility,alcohol intake,and dh not being a lone maverick

yes. That other one was rotten wasn't it? I must admit I was pissed off that suddenly money's no problem when he buggers off alone.

The point - sorry, am finding it a bit hard to scroll up and down for names, but I hope you recognise yourselves about an alcoholic going anywhere with anyone for drinks is spot on. Nothing matters more than a drink!

I am already MUCH more mobile - I can go round Tesco if we don't need many things! I took the kids to Cleethorpes with my sister the other week! [proud]

Maybe that's affecting him. But then he is the same person who says he is so proud of me and wants me to be independent. He's the one who pushed me into learning to drive because he said it would give me confidence and independence. It's so confusing.

No there is no sex life. 9 years and counting!

I was thinking that when I am more mobile I would be able to leave him. But then I started thinking that that was selfish. And that I owed it to the kids to see what the relationship would transform into when he was no longer my carer. So I decided to keep putting a bit aside but not make a final decision but rather see if he changed, see if we changed, once I am more 'normal'.

What do I want? I want a man who loves me, who wants me, who desires me, who looks out for me, someone I have a life with.

But otoh, we've been through so much. And if you had only seen how he was when I was in hospital. He cries every time we talk about it. My parents even said how frightened he was. The op took a lot longer than it was supposed to and he was in a right state! When I came round from the op he was there and he was so relieved and he was crying because he'd been so worried. So there's love there. He does love me. You don't act like that over someone you don't love deeply. Do you?

So what if he could change? What if I give up and lose who he could be? Who he is in many ways?

Anyway. Back to today. It turns out that he went back to their place and overheard one of them saying something about "so do you want me to do him?" and he legged it! He says that one of them came after him in a car (brand new bmw ) and got out and chased him for a bit, but he got away (he is a rather fast runner!). Not only are his wallet and keys gone, but his jacket too. So unless he threw them all away, something happened.

Of course, he could always have left the lot in a pub, but it's a hell of a tale to invent, don't you think?

So I had this whole speech prepared - I was going to tell him that I was seriously considering leaving him, that if I was to stay, it would be on condition that he never go out overnight again, and never turns off his phone and I always know where he is. (and a lot of other stuff! )

But he got in first and said that he had been terrified by what had happened and that "that is it" - he is never going out like that again. That if he goes out for a drink, it will be me and him, locally. That he is never going drinking in Sheffield again (we don't live in Sheffield btw, someone asked. We live about 10 miles outside, in the sticks ) and that this has really taught him something.

So then I said that I hope he means it, because if he goes out like that again, he needn't bother coming home. And I said that he must understand that I mean it. 100%. Don't come home.

Whether he believes that or not is anyone's guess! But I mean it.

I have a good counsellor. She cured me of my needle phobia! I have decided to give her a call and have a few sessions with her. I think I need someone to help me sort out my jumbled head! Perhaps that will give me clarity?

Someone asked me to read my op as though it was someone else, what would I advise.

Well, I'd advise them to run and keep on running! But when it's you it's happening to, that black and white "leave the bastard" stuff - sensible as it is from the outside - is not looking so black and white! When we sit putting the world to rights, when we laugh together over a joke, when we finish each other's sentences, when I can ask him a question in a crowded room just by looking at him, and he can answer by looking at me, when I can snap at him cos I'm in a bad mood and he can laugh instead of snapping back, when we sit together and watch the kids play...oh, it is so far from black and white you can't even imagine!

And, oddly in a way, you are all a consideration for me too. All the time and effort you put into supporting me, the time you spend listening to me moaning about the same thing, over and over, the frustration you feel...I feel that I owe you a divorce! or you'll leave me!

you have to act under your own volition.not our suggestions. you sound ambivalent and perhaps unsure.that is your prerogative

I think the biggest issue you have is that he refuses to look at himself and accept his own problems.

If he would accept that he has a drink problem and admit that the non existent sex life are both huge problems then you could move forward as a couple with help from relate.

Yes you both love each other, you've got years of codependency. We all love our parents even though they can be the ones who destroyed us and will continue to do so if we let them.

Councelling sounds good, as does your secret 'get out' fund.

You can always use it for a second honeymoon if he really does change. Here's hoping for you

I'd be insisting he got some help for the drinking though...

Sorry I haven't read the posts (I know it's bad form, but I have to get on the computer in a second)

but anyway I bet you a virtual £50 he's lying. I've heard it all before. I've had 2 long term relationships with alcoholics, and this is a standard one. Lost count of the amount of times ex got 'mugged'.

What he means is he spent all his money, and lost a couple of days - he's fucked up and can't deal with admitting it. My first ex actually went to the lengths of getting someone in the pub to hit him in the face to help corroborate his story . Broke his cheekbone. And then he admitted it to me anyway so a totaly pointless exercise.

I'm embarrassed to admit I spent so much time with these kind of men, but I know them well now!

Get rid, it's the only way forward.

Sorry that might sound a bit odd. By "I know them well now" I meant I recognise that kind behaviour a mile off now.

hec, if you were not such a well known-and-loved poster you would have been binned off here for posting the same old stuff again and again

and for not listening to any of the good advice you are given

it is clear you will not/cannot end this relationship

why do you keep asking for commentary on how fucked-up it is ?

are you moving any nearer to a conclusion ?

or will you still be here in 5 yrs time, waiting for something "serious" to happen?

whatever, you have support here, but don't expect people to understand

with all due respect until OP decides she had enough no amount of others recounting he did this/that he is a bad un will have impact or immediacy

I do agree with dittany, my dad was a dictatorial and selfish bastard but he cried when the dog died and whenever I went away on holiday. As I grew up I learnt to be independent and understood that his attitude was due to insecurity and low self esteem (he couldn't stand up to people outside of the house). I think I forgave him but then myself and my brother moved miles away from home (myself in another country) so I only see my parents once or twice a year for a week.

I had two long-term partner who were selfish and takers more than givers and legged it, even if it took me five years in one case and ten in the other. Of course it is harder if kids are involved....

NeverLeapFrogOverAUnicorn - Who says you have to split up? I'm not convinced maintaining the status quo is the way forward though. I think it is necessary for him to move out until he has got himself sorted. This doesn't mean your relationship has got to end. I don't see how he can possibly sort himself out whilst he is living with you. If it is a drink problem, the way you have described it makes it sound like a pretty serious one. The things you say in your recent post don't seem to give any implication that he is even planning on stopping drinking - more that he (delusionally) thinks he'll be able to control it from now on. To me it sounds like you both have problems you need to sort out, normally it is not helpful to be living together whilst you do this.

I'm not going to tell you that you should leave him. It's your relationship, do what you feel is best.

What I am going to say is that whenever we do something to soften the landing of an alcoholic who's drunk themselves into a bad situation, we're actively helping that alcoholism to continue. So he drank (or lost) all his money and left his jacket and keys somewhere he can't remember. That's a predictable consequence of being a drunk. He then came up with some cock and bull story to cover it up. That's predictable behaviour from an alcoholic. You then went and picked him up. That is predictable behaviour from a co-dependent. Why pick him up? Does he not have legs? He's a grown-up. The responsibility for him getting home rests solely on him.

When I went to Al-Anon one of the things I heard regularly was "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Trust me I've been in the situation where, for years, I tried to work out ways to prevent my ex's drinking from causing problems in our relationship. I tried all sorts of approaches to try to keep a lid on the drunken dramas. I learnt huge amounts about alcoholism to try to find ways to help my ex. It didn't work out like that because that was a fantasy to keep my attention off the reality of how badly I was being treated by someone who claimed to love me.

All I achieved was to waste years of my life in "wait and see". I'd wait to see if the promises would be kept next time. I'd wait to see if, once we get past the summer holidays / birthdays / Christmas, things might get a bit better. What I was doing was abdicating my own responsibility to do positive things for myself. I was also living in a fantasy world where I fantasised that, first, my ex was going to stop drinking and it was just a matter of when, and second that when my ex did stop drinking everything would be chocolate boxes and roses around the door.

Incidentally, there's little point in talking to an alcoholic about their drinking at the best of times. When they're drunk, or recovering from a binge, it's a total waste of time for everyone concerned. The typical alcoholic will promise the world. When they're hungover, they'll often be full of regret and resolve of "never again". The fact that they cannot deliver on such promises is just part of the "fun" of living with an alcoholic.

I'll leave you with an example of one of my ex's many "That's it, I'm never going out and getting that drunk again" moments. While drunk she fell down a long flight of stairs. She fractured her skull. She was drinking again a couple of days later.

snorbs, you say it all much better than the rest of us

What are you hoping it will teach him? He slept it off in a comfy dry bed while you ran around and mopped up (cancelling cards, calling the locksmith...). And the children will not have new shoes. It teaches him nothing, in other words, because there have been no consequences except a headache and he's probably had headaches before.

The important question is, what do episodes like this teach you? And another one -- what is all this teaching your DCs?

PS; I agree that being mugged might not be the truth. My ex claimed he had been mugged once when he came home without his wedding ring. The brand new BMW sounds dodgy, more like a scene in a film than rl.

Morning Hecate..

Just wondering how you are feeling this morning?

If you are giving him another chance, please make sure you stick to your guns.

Very eloquently put, Snorbs.

Let me guess - he's not going to bother going to the police because they won't do anything?

When you say that nobody would invent such a far fetched lie you are very wrong. That's what liars ALWAYS do, they go over the top - you should hear some of the alibis the cops get told when criminals try and justify why they've got stolen goods or something similar.

He's a fast runner? If he's a heavy drinker and possible drug user, he will be very, very unfit. There's no way he'd be able to outrun a car! I'm a fast runner - I ran 10k this morning in under an hour. But pissed out of my head? I wouldn't be able to put one leg in front of the other.

Hecate the story is a crock of shit.

will you tell the counsellor what he treats you like? (the mental torture, sexual abuse (in that you get none - yes, withholding is abuse too), the spending money after telling you you can't....... ?

I just wish the mist would lift from your life it just isn't good enough for you Hecate.

You said pre-op that you'd leave post-op as you won't need his care anymore.

You don't need his care anymore love.... so what'll it be? Something else to stop you, or action?

I do wonder what it'll take - are you waiting for him to get physical because no-one will believe it was as bad as you say? (how can it be - he's nice when we're out, look how he cared for me in hospital, he helps with the kids - he can't be THAT bad, surely)

WHY do you feel so little of yourself you think you deserve to be treated like this? You aren't his wife. You're his cook and cleaner and child rearer. It's sick. Men like him are sick. They don't get better because they simply can't - he doesn't see you as an equal human being. You are just "woman" and woman is simply on this earth to serve him; "man" and by god, he'll make sure his woman does it.

I know that tirrade will make not one difference, but I wish it would (in RL actually, if you believe me)

Her family would be there to support her if she actually told them. This is another thing i found out through mumsnet she didnt even tell me she had namechanged (clearly deliberately), found this thread by chance.

that's so sad

smt, are you hec's sister ?