Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 23:15

Apologies, me and clarity just don't meet often!

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 23:15

and to suggest the neighbour is 'intimidated' is bizarre.

exactly, greens - sociable apparently confident people are not fair game for insults on that basis alone

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:16

No need to apologise. I'm just teasing.

And such moments are extremely rare for me. DP would probably say they're non existent.

scroobiuspirate · 31/08/2009 23:16

why might she not feel intimidated tho? it is a suggestion to a situation that is happening?

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 23:18

why would someone feel intimidated by someone who organises many of their social events and who is laid-back?

Crikey, the neighbour doesn't have to go to any of the social events.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:19

(smeileyspeople BTW)

and yes, outgoing gregarious poele can feel snubbed and hurt too. If poele don't want to be my frinds I'm slightly hurt. Cut me, I bleed. even though I do host lots of parties.

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:20

I can sympathise with Barbara's feelings to an extent, in that people do tend to project their feelings and likes and dislikes onto others.

If she has been very inviting, warm and friendly towards her neighbour then I can see why she'd expect the same in return.
It isn't always easy to see another's point of view when things that are a non issue to us bother other people.

paisleyleaf · 31/08/2009 23:23

Of course sociable people can feel snubbed
Obviously, from the OP.
I think most posters are trying to say it's silly to feel snubbed by a neighbour wanting to keep her family gathering, family. It's not personal (well I don't think it sounds personal....I think it's more to do with it being a family thing).

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 23:23

But people are rushing in with all sorts of theories to back up the neighbour's point of view (because it is closest to their own) without taking any time at all to think about Barb being snubbed.

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 23:24

There's more to it than one family gathering, leaf

Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 23:29

I can see what you're saying dogofpoints, but I have a friend who tries to organise stuff all the time, then gets really shitty when people don't want to go. Like she loves festivals, but when you're nearing 40 and got family/kids it's not top of my list of things to do, I feel sorry for her cos she feels let down, but is that my problem? Does that make me a cold and miserable person like the OP is suggesting her neighbour is?

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:29

I'm probably projecting at the moment actually as being a grumpy old sod not terribly sociable person I do find it far easier to identify with the neighbour than with Barbara.

I can see why the neighbour would not be happy with having her family gathering interrupted.
I find it much more difficult to see why it wouldn't occur to Barbara,who apparently is of the 'the more, the merrier'type,because I'm not of that persuasion.

And likewise because Barbara is then it's difficult for her to see why something that would be a non issue for her is a problem for her neighbour.

That said I would imagine that more people would find it unacceptable to do so than would find it acceptable.

Anyway enough of my ramblings. I have a fishfinger sandwich to make.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:34

My neighbour comes to nearly all I organise (which includes the book group I set up, dinner parties, christamas and new year parties, joining a table I orgainsesd at a ball and school mum nights (not organised by me but encoursged to go by me and go togther)etc).

I accpet she is not an oragniser, that's fine.

But I have been a bit upset that despite this friendliness we have on one level, she doesn't seem to want to my kids to call on hers occasionally.

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:40

For her that's probably crossing the line when she only desires a casual friendship.

Ideally I'd almost never have friends over to my house. I prefer to go to their homes or even better meet in a public place.

Not because I don't want to feed and entertain them. I rather enjoy feeding people actually, but because when I go to their home I can leave when I want to.

You can't really throw people out of your house when they are your guests. It's rude and I may be a grumpy sod but I'm a good host when the occasion calls for it.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:40

I could also throw in here, that I think it may be her Dh that doens't like poele in the house or kids going out when he's there, he never socialises and they've never been out together in 10years.

But I am providing new complex unhelpfull information, so won't.

OK, they are diffrent, the way they are does not appeal to me, the way I am does not appeal to them no doubt.

Live and live, and for gods sake don't admit to beig miffed about it on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:43

It's rude to accept hospitality and not reciprocate.

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:43

No please share more information. I have 15 minutes to go until my fishfingers are cooked and this is a pleasant way of passing the time.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:45

I generally agree with that statement but not always, not in this case.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:48

Thunderduck, I really mustn't, i think it's complex and she has some issues that i don't fully understand.

I do like her in lots of ways, i have befriended her and she seems to have appreciated this and responded by coming out etc, this thread was really about me feeling upset that she doesn't seem to want my kids to call.

There are reasons I have to accept, many suggested on tbs thread, that but that doesn't negate my own hurt or smarting at the rejection.

OP posts:
MillyR · 31/08/2009 23:48

I like to have an open house policy. But it is up to my children to form their own friendships and invite the friends around. I have my own friendships and don't feel the need to be friends with my children's friends parents.

Maybe it is all a bit more stressful in the OP's case because she is friends with the other mother as well as the children spending time together.

I don't feel that my children should be invited back by everyone, because some people don't want other people's children in their house, for a variety of reasons.

Maybe it would be easier if OP's children have different children coming round so that they are not so involved with the neighbours. It might make the OP's children feel less pushed out if they could call on some other children.

I hope none of that sounded critical; it isn't meant to be.

hmc · 31/08/2009 23:49

Greensleeves - I am finding you really mellow and very chilled these days, and a voice of reason....

Also have to chortle at the sanctity attributed to a family gathering - to some posters it seems to be on a par with a Papal visit. Of course it is not out of order to ask..although personally I would not have done so because I am overly solicitous (in RL - to the point of it being anal)

OP - yes its a shame your neighbour doesn't share your free and easy attitude toward the children playing together. Sure it is her prerogative and she may have her reasons, but I do 'get' your disappointment. Still - nothing to be gained by brooding on it

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:51

I think that true hospitality should be offered for it's own sake, because one wants to offer it.Not in the expectation of reciprocation,so I don't think that my general rule always applies.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:52

Milly we do have other childre around, but that is organised with parents as they have to be brought and picked up etc.

It's just they live right next door, get on well, I'm friendly with the Mum so seems Ok to me to ask to play ocasionally.

Even over the fence when playing with cousins which I now know is shocking beyond belief.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:55

If you would not want to ofer a person your hospitality you should have the grace not to accept theiers. Particuarly repetaedly. (talking generally not actaully my issue here)

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 31/08/2009 23:58

i think you should amuse your child yourself and not rely on neighbours!