Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 31/08/2009 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:50

I'm not threatening to exclude her socially!!

FFs this is ridiculous people are putting all sorts into this that is not there.

I was xplaining why I can't just back off and be more distant with her as was suggested, brcause she'd then feel snubbed if I wasn't including her.

My kids are quiet type boys.

OP posts:
bellavita · 31/08/2009 22:50

Well put Thunderduck

paisleyleaf · 31/08/2009 22:53

Why would you stop inviting her to social groups?
That sounds like you're just being silly.
Does she usually go to the groups, and seem to enjoy them?

NotanOtter · 31/08/2009 22:53

i like the sound of you on your profile thunderduck

paisleyleaf · 31/08/2009 22:54

whoops. Crossed lots of posts there.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:55
Blush
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:57

I'm not her events coordinator (I'm gettomg mightily tired of this now) I just organise stuff and ask my neighbour, who I presume likes this by the fact she comes.

I'm confused now, do you all think I should stop my callous inviting of my neighbour to socail events to stop me foisting my frindship upon her as she clearly wishes? or should I stop callously suggesting that I won't invite her to events as she won't have my kids to play which is clearky what I suggested.

I orgainse social stuff, quite alot, I invite my neighbour, she comes of her own free will, I have the impressin she does not like our children to play togther, I am unsure exactky why, this makes me slightly miffed, I will continue to invite her to social evets, she may come if she chooses.

I think that summarisies my callous, vindiactive unbeleivebaly socaiilyy inept position.

OP posts:
Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 22:57

Perhaps some people are seeing this subjectively because there seems to be a judgement being made on the neighbour that because she's not as open and sociable as the OP thinks she should be, then she's cold and miserable.

I must admit, I do sometimes think people see me like that because I don't engage with others as much as a sociable person would, but it's just not true. Although I couldn't give a flying fk what they think of me, it does annoy me that just because they don't know me, they fill that void with the cold/miserable judgement.

MollieO · 31/08/2009 23:00

It may have nothing to do with your dcs but it may have something to do with you. Children playing together means that there has to be some relationship involving the parents. Maybe that is the relationship your neighbour is less keen on and is seeking to discourage by not permitting your dcs to play with hers. If it were my dcs I would tell them to look for playmates elsewhere.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/08/2009 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 31/08/2009 23:00

I agree with Shiney- this case is no biggie, but a bit disappointing if you have a different outlook. Some parents do take the piss though- in Edinburgh I used to have three little urchins sisters round constantly eating me out of house and home (and I was on IS at the time), but it was hard to say no, as they were turfed out at 9am with no coats on (brr) and left to bug the neighbour for food.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:01

Barbara. I think this is down to a misunderstanding between you and your neighbour.

You want X, a relatively close friendship,she wants Y, a casual friendship consisting of the occasional organised event, but for her time at home to be her time. Which is how I like things to be too so I find it easier to identify more closely with her than you.

You've thought that she wants X too but this appears not to be the case.

I would back off a little,not completely but I would accept that she prefers to have a casual friendship.

BitOfFun · 31/08/2009 23:04

Very sensible, Thunderduck.

Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 23:04

Nicely put Thunderduck

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:07

Shineon, you and Greeny made me realise I was not completely insane. For a while there it looked like I'd committed the parenting social crime of the century!

Intersting what hits peoples buttond isn't it?

Thunderduck I think you're right, as I belive I said myself in my OP 'we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.' Still may make me a bit occasionally though.

but as I said I have to back off but still include her in stuff I organise. Which I will do, but it's a fine line to tread.

OP posts:
bellavita · 31/08/2009 23:08
scroobiuspirate · 31/08/2009 23:10

i think she is probably intimidated by you.

Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 23:11

Lol Thunderduck provided a moment of clarity in a fkd up world eh Bellavita? It can't often happen

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 23:11

Why scroobi?

OP posts:
dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 23:12

Yes, I think that's fine to suggest barb backs off a little. But if Barb has got it wrong and is being too pushy with the social side of things, then it is understandable that she feels a little put out and might hesiatte from inviting her neighbour to as many socials.

I do think there are a lot of calls on this thread to understand the more private, less sociable neighbour and that there is much less understanding of the effort it takes sociable people to organise events and meet-ups. Sociable people can feel just as snubbed by others as the more iunsociable sorts.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 23:13

It can't often happen?

Why not? I do talk sense occasionally. Not terribly often though I admit.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 31/08/2009 23:13

Good point dog

just because Babs makes a lot of effort and is gregarious doesn't mean she has boundless confidence and can't feel bruised or rejected especially on behalf of her ds

people could try a little harder to see both sides, I think

mumeeee · 31/08/2009 23:14

She had guests.. She didn't want any other Kids round as there were already 8 of them. Yes I do think YABU.

scroobiuspirate · 31/08/2009 23:14

becuase you are both very different. You strike me as outgiong, an organiser (as you have said) and someone who is more laid back about arrangements.

At the heart of it, she could feel intimidated.?