To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

[MrsBarbaraKingstanding]

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

I am feeling for the OP at the mo, because it seems like she is being flamed.

I can understand you feeling sad for your DS, it isn't nice when he is feeling left out.

Carelesswhispers that is awful about your neighbour and your DS. How can anybody do that to a child.

If I invited someone to dinner I wouldn't necessarily expect them to reciprocate.I'd invite them to dinner because I wanted to treat them,not in the expectation of receiving anything in return.

It's different though if there's an understanding between friends that that's how things are to be, and both have agreed to it, or if it's a long term thing,then perhaps I'd desire them to return the hospitality on one occasion.

I wouldn't have asked either. Maybe they don't get together as a family very often? I would have suggested my dc play something else, or distracted them with a game etc.

I think Thunderduck there is a general assumption of reciprocity in hospitality.

Not to the extent of tit for tat and counting and measuirng timrs, but on a general basis.

Even, I, the commitor of a social faux pas that are so shocking as to be literally unbeleivable, know that.

(sounds like you do that though, and again this is not my beef with my neighbour, so just musing with you.)

At the end of the day, they might be private people and just want to keep themselves to themselves. When your neighbours cousins came over its a family event and they probably wanted it like that. I would feel the same if it was me. I know that you feel miffed but your friend probably has her reasons like i said, not everybody want other kids coming round all the time, i myself would not mind it occasionally but every day no!

I agree with it as a general rule, but sometimes I really don't expect or desire hospitality in return.

Then again it can be frustrating when you feel that someone is taking advantage of your generosity.

If children come round to play with my children, I see that as being of huge benefit to my DC. So I am not really doing it as an act of hospitality to the other child. As long as the children get to play with their friends, I don't think it really matters whose house it happens at.

Also op, have a bit of empathy, ot everyone is going to feel like you. Peoples home is private and sometimes they want it as such thought it makes no difference to you, but it does to someone else, so respect that! Extra kids so sometimes mean a bit more work, my friend has twin boys over to play at hers somtimes and they can be quite demanding, wanting this or that and making mess. You should have explained to your son that he cant play as they have family over and need family time together. We cannot get all that we want all of the time, i remember my bf at school had a sindy doll car and i looked on longingly at her because my mum would not let me have one.

I don't like the implication that OP's neighbour has ishoos because they are different to OP.
Some of us aren't into hanging out over the garden fence, organising things,or having kids in and out and all that. Some of us are private people who like our space and peace and quiet without being stared at or complained about for not wanting company all the time.
Theres nothing wrong with that.

Simple rule in the Pikelit household:

When family are visiting, neighbours aren't and I've always assumed this is fairly normal and not evidence of galloping insularity.

You are the one not getting the point, OP. She is allowed to say NO! End of!

I do not have a open house, it is just not something I like. Playdates are pre arranged, even if it is only 24 hours pre arrangement. Maybe sometimes if arranged before school.

And my limit is 2 extra children. So dd & 2 friends. If we have family over, unless the friends are invited to the get together, there are no playdates on that day.

MY house, MY rules! I am under NO obligation to have all the children in the street at my house. I cannot be doing with the mess/noise & feeding extra mouths, or watching out for extra children/making sure they don't terrorise the dog/G pigs!

I will help in emergancies, if friends need it. But I ike my time with my family & have enough to do without extra children in & out of my house.

I think you need to get used to this, tbh! You seem to think your children are somehow 'entitled' if they ask! That will teach that they will get everytime they ask, which is a hard lesson to undo! They need to hear 'no' sometimes.

And as others have said, you really should have explained that she was busy enough & said 'not today'.

Well, I was always brought up to wait to be invited then you know you're welcome. I can't imagine why the OP would want her children to be rejected.

Luckily there's a small green near me so kids knock for each other and thankfully sod off over there. Saves all the politics of it.

Posie you never called for friends to play?

Ok, I'm going to shout cover your ears if you don't like it bt I feel it's necesaary as ofetn repated points are being ignored and then used to beat me with a big stick with:

IT IS'NT 'ALL THE TIME'. IT IS 1/2 A MONTH.

IT IS NOT 'CONSTANT'. SEE ABOVE.

WE INVITE THEM HERE, THEY ARE NEIETHER EXPECTED TO ENTERATIN, AMUSE OR FEED MY CHILDREN.

THID IS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST THE COUSINS INCIDENT.

i UNSERDTAND PEOPLE CAN SAY NO. I WOULD SAY NO MYSELF IF INCONVENIENT, IT IS THE REPEATED SAYING NO WHICH IMPLIES TO ME A SNUB OR COLD SHOULDREING WHICH SLIGHTLY HU8RTS MY FEELINGS.

PLEASE STOP SUGGESTING WE ARE HARRASSING THESE PEOPLE BY ON OCCASION INVITING THIER CHILDREN TO PLAY AND THEN ASKING IF DS COULD JOIN IN A GAME OVER THE FENCE.

Please read about the situation, before jumping in with your big boots to give me another kicking based on an untrue fact which is just a projection of your own experience of 'being asked all the time' and 'having to emetertain others kids'.

Fine, I have to accept she's different. I beleive I said that in my OP myself, so please stop blundgening with that.

I don't have to like it though, and I don't much. I think that's what ranckels with many on here about this, is that by finding my n eighbours actions make me feel cold shouldered, seems like a personal attack to* you, what you're really saying is 'I'm like that, so you proabbly wouldn't like me, and that's unrasonable cos I'm really really really nice.'

Well maybe you are, but I probaly would find you hard to friends with. I am easy going, I am socialable (I doalso like private timemyself though) and I do feel snubbed and cold shouldered by those who seem friendly but then shut you out.

It's perfectly acceptable to not want others in your house, to have to have everything in your life prearranged and to not want to socaialise. But for me that is not an attractive prospect for a friend.

You get to choose your friends and anal controlling anti social people are not high up on my list.

I'm sure you are.

But if I were trying to be friendly this would at some point piss me off or upset me.

(and before the next round of posts jump in with 'well she just deosn't want to be frinds', see my posts above about how she comesto things I organise and invite her too. It ain't that simple. and I can't be arsed with that merry go aroud arument again)

"I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc."

Me too mrsb. I love the fact that my DC can do this and that they have friends on tap. BUT it is essential that parents can say no when they feel they need to. It is a lot easier when they are a bit older and can all go to neutral territory - my 2 eldest can now go to the park as can all their friends. Much better that way.

I think part of the lack of understanding on this thread comes from those who expect that if feral children come to play, the parents is supposed to entertain/supervise/feed them. IMO they are not. Which is why it's much much better having older DC and I am much less open to visit from DC that need watching.

i am on the opinion, don't invite yourself, wait for the invite.
i can't believe you are upset that there werent allowed at a family gathering.
your neighbour is perfectly entitled to her opinions on having your dc's round. she obviously doesnt want them. leave it. she doesnt have to have them.
where we lived before we had a huge garden and all the kids wanted to play, in our garden. it peed me off.
i do things with my dcs. i want my dcs to play together without annoying neighbours children, who arent my children. i want my dcs to enjoy each other.

Oh dear Mrs Barb.

I really can see your point of view, but can also see the neighbour's got a right to do what she wants - as you did say in your original post.

It does seem out of order if she never reciprocates. I looked after one of dd1's friends one afternoon, after pre-school, a week for a year. They now go to different schools, but we had the little girl over a few times last school year - not once has my dd been invited to her house. I feel miffed, but am perfectly friendly towards her mother - as you are to your neighbour. She lives a minute's walk away so I do find it odd.

Try not to let it bother you.

we have one little boy who comes knocking for my dd all the time. and he gets very cross if she doesnt want to play. i blame his parents! i sometimes get the feeling she wants him out of her hair, particularly on a sunday morning, when he is knockign on my door eveyr hour on the hour.

In your OP you say your ds is allowed to go play about 60% of the time.

So i think you are being unreasonable to be miffed when he is not allowed to go and play EVERY time you ask.

I used to call for friends.
They said yes or no!
My daughter has a friend near enough tocall on.
She says yes or no!

Is the problem more with your child being told no & not coping with it?

when they say no nearly half the time without apparent raeason, and then play on their own in the garden aftre being told 'they are busy' it seems like a cold shoulder and confusing for my children.

beleive me my kids get told no. About calling for the neighbours, and many others things. Don't wheel out that old chestneut and generlise this to 'her kids must get wjat they want all the time, she's one of those parents.' I'm not, but fill in all the blanks with what you want, if it makes you feel better.

'they are busy' may well mean that mum and dad are busy, not the children.

Perhaps she thinks that saying they are busy really means that her children are busy/happy playing together or that she isn't in the mood for other people's children.
Would you feel happier if she just said that?
Perhaps she thinks that by saying they are busy she is less likely to offend you (obviously not working).
She and her children might like you and your children's company - just not as often as you would like.