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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
francagoestohollywood · 31/08/2009 22:41

Barbara's ds sees 8 or whatever the number children playing in the garden. He is friendly with the boy next door. He asks if he can go round and play. Not a decadent or bizarre question in my book.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:42

I don't think it's mean at all.
Perhaps the OP means well but these gatherings may not be as important to the neighbour as the OP thinks they are, so therefore it may not be a concern to her neighbour if her attendance at these events lessens.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 31/08/2009 22:42

OK you wouldn't want your neighbours/friends/their kids round if you were having a BBQ with some cousins

I would, as it happens, because that would be the sort of accasion on which I would be expecting to deal with lots of kids and my house would be up to scratch

fine, people differ

but would you really be indignant and offended that someone "interrupted" you while you were having a sausage sarnie and a chinwag with your relatives? Why?

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:42

So you would just say no if they asked then Thunderduck. No harm done.

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 22:42

And I do think it's fair enough if she's having a fmaily gathering just for the family and doesn;t want extra pals over. That's par for the course.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/08/2009 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:43

I don't think that you need to act as her events coordinator. I know you mean well but I'm sure that she's capable of arranging these things by herself should she so desire.

NotanOtter · 31/08/2009 22:43

mrs kingstanding - seems like you think your neighbour cold unfriendly and socially inept

why so keen on your kids mixing?

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 31/08/2009 22:44

"controlling"

I think the OP just sounds sunny-natured and friendly, wants a close relaxed relationship with her neighbours, their children get on etc

and it's a bit sad for her/her dc that the neighbour has a more detached attitude

I really don't understand the.....anger on this thread

superduperminder · 31/08/2009 22:45

"but would you really be indignant and offended that someone "interrupted" you while you were having a sausage sarnie and a chinwag with your relatives? Why?"

I personally would be a bit annoyed because I would hope that a neighbour would realise that I was having family gathering and that I wouldn't want them sticking their head over the fence. But that is just me.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:45

I wouldn't be terribly pleased no. Because as socially clueless as I am even I wouldn't consider interrupting such a gathering. Family time is important and has a different feel to time spent with friends imho.

And the event wasn't a barbecue I believe but I wouldn't intrude on that either. If I was wanted there then I'd have been invited.

NotanOtter · 31/08/2009 22:45

is your neighbour a well known mumsnetter

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:45

She likes an odd night out, but doesn't want to be best friends. Is that a bad thing? God, everyone's so extreme on this thread.

Don't punish her for not having your DS round MrsB.

scroobiuspirate · 31/08/2009 22:45

for goodness sake, let the woman be, and stop judging her, it need not be so black and white.

If she comes to things, she comes. What she does other than that is her business. You can just chat about the weather with her, or say hi generally if that's all she wants.

Concentrate on something else, it seems she just isn't that into you.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:46

I'm not threatening to exclude her socially!!

FFs this is ridiculous people are putting all sorts into this that is not there.

I was xplaining why I can't just back off and be more distant with her as was suggested, brcause she'd then feel snubbed if I wasn't including her.

My kids are quiet type boys.

OP posts:
NotanOtter · 31/08/2009 22:46

i am with Thunderduck

eekamoose · 31/08/2009 22:47

Greeny - I think people are responding bluntly to the op because she seems rather obtuse.

I haven't seen any anger.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 31/08/2009 22:47

"events coordinator" lmao

you are all bonkers!

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/08/2009 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

francagoestohollywood · 31/08/2009 22:47

Neither do I Greeny.
Barbara: I'd have loved to have a neighbour like you when I was living in the UK.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:48

I've never pretended to be sane.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:48

I don't think you should back off. I think you should carry on as you are, just without the taking it personally. And I'm sorry about the 'punishing' bit. That was out of line

Katisha · 31/08/2009 22:48

People have different ideas about boundaries. For me, having family round means I don't want neighbours children there as well.
I would not assume that my children were welcome at someone else's family gathering, however informal.
I can't understand this idea that often prevails here which is that people should welcome all comers to their social events or else be accused of cliquey unfriendliness.

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 22:48

I think people are reacting to this in a very personal way, as if they were the neighbour, and so it's all becoming very subjective.

Babs' feelings are understandable. She's very open and friendly. The neighbour is more controlling of her environment, more private.

No one is being personally attacked as I see it

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:49

Your neighbour sounds rather like me. She prefers to have casual friends. Go out occasionally with them but not have them over all the time.

I don't really do close friends. So long as everyone knows where they stand then there's nothing wrong with it.