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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a priest shouldn't invite little girls into his home

261 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 27/08/2009 18:44

Ok this is my 3rd AIBU of the night and usually steer clear of this section because it's scary

But anyway, everyone's being unreasonable at the mo and I need to get it out.

So we went to our priest the other night to sort out our wedding blessing. He's a nice guy, a little odd, but nice and about 60. We went to his house next to the church and school. When he opened the door there was a little girl of about 7 playing in the car park. He shouted to her 'would you like to come in?' she said no and he said 'why? Come in.' so she did.

Then he said 'where do you want to go? Do you want to watch television or talk?' she said watch TV and clearly felt a little uncomfortable. So he said 'right that's upstairs'. We followed and sorted out the blessing. He then gave DS and the girl a teddy each from his collection. We left and the little girl stayed.

He didn't ask her parents if she could come in- they wouldn't have known where she was, and it was just her and him.

Clearly nothing untoward, but it seems a bit naive for a man to invite a young girl into his home when no one else is there. All kinds of accusations could fly around.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 28/08/2009 10:45

Yes, we had our marriage convalidated by the catholic church after getting married in the registry office. It counts as the real thing.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 10:48

You can certainly have a blessing after a civil marriage in the Catholic church. That is not a porky.

Re the OP - I am gobsmacked that a priest would think this was a good idea and given the backstory in the RC church I would be passing this on for everybody's sake frankly.

GibbonInARibbon · 28/08/2009 10:49

My friend who married a non catholic in a civil ceremony had the marriage blessed in our catholic church.

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 10:51

convalidation of marriage otherwise known as a blessing

Erbert · 28/08/2009 10:53

My brother and sil in law had a blessing at their second sons baptism - they had been married in a civil ceremony several years before. I think however it had to be applied for via the Bishop - not sure of the full details.

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 10:56

Reality, I'm very judgey in RL.

I think I also must be very naive.

GibbonInARibbon · 28/08/2009 11:22

No one is making excuses. I do find it sad that people are sharpening the pitchforks and lighting the fires but I also believe that it should be addressed as refusing to consider the possibility something horrid could happen is not an option imo.

tethersend · 28/08/2009 11:27

I know some posters have maligned the state of society for lack of trust, and there is a very real fear that a child may not be helped for fear of suspicion- I do understand this, and it is sad that there is a culture of suspicion, but contrast this with the culture of two (even one) generations ago: chid abuse was systematic, rarely reported and the child rarely believed if it were ever reported at all.

I know neither culture is ideal, but I would much rather live in a culture that places weight on a child's testimony and where people are alert to the possibility of abuse happening in the places where it has always happened, ie in the home and institutions and other supposedly 'safe' places.

If this had been posted 20 years ago, the OP would have been declared mildly insane- as would anyone else who made such an allegation. Unfortunately, many of those allegations proved to be true. I hope this one is not, and am glad we now live in a culture where people feel able to question the priest's actions.

brimfull · 28/08/2009 11:30

tethersend-well said I totally agree.

Morloth · 28/08/2009 11:34

tethersend, I broadly agree as well. But there is a price to be paid for a suspicious culture.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 28/08/2009 11:35

Good one tethersend- ah I wish I had been as articulate as you.

OP posts:
bronze · 28/08/2009 11:37

I'm assuming as you think hes dodgy then you wont be getting him to bless your marriage.
~Stealing Gibbons 'I do find it sad that people are sharpening the pitchforks and lighting the fires but I also believe that it should be addressed as refusing to consider the possibility something horrid could happen is not an option imo.'

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 28/08/2009 11:46

As I said, I don't think it's anything untoward, I just think he will eventually get accused of it by someone and should watch his back.

He blessed us the next morning.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 12:07

Paninied - can you tell me about your blessing, please?

Was it just you and your DH? Did you wear anything special? Are you both babpitsed?

[nosey emoticon]

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 28/08/2009 12:24

We are both baptised. Different churches but both RC. We thought the blessing was informal so I just wore a normal dress, tights, nice shoes, DH wore a shirt, no tie. DH, DS and I all wore the same colour- DH and DS were in matching shirt and DS wore a little tie. We had about 8 of my family (as some hadn't made it to the wedding abroad so wanted to see the blessing) and about the same amount of DH's family. The priest asked us to bring 2 songs- he played one at the beginning and one at the end to 'relax to'. That was really lovely- we used our wedding songs. When he got us up we had to reaffirm our love for one other, say our vows again (not the same thing but very similar) and then he blessed our rings, and we had to link ring fingers. It was a bit of a blur, it went far too fast.

If I'd known it was going to be like that I would have been a bit more serious, I was quite smiley and giggley where as on my wedding day I had a serious face etc. I thought he would just say 'I bless this marriage' etc.

He got us to do 'kiss the bride' again, but he just said 'go on, kiss her then' and everyone laughed.

It was lovely, I was glad we did it. He talked about what love is, and it was such a nice speech.

Are you thinking of doing it? I'd say to. It is lovely, especially after the hustle and bustle of the big day. It feels more family orientated and personal. Also, DH has lost a couple of close people in his family, and his best friend, and I have lost my nanas, so I felt like it was an opportunity to be close to them and for them to kind of 'see' us get married. But maybe that's because I associate them with church now that they're gone.

OP posts:
PictureInTheAttic · 28/08/2009 12:27

Ve only read the op, but hopefully she is a neice or something similar and her parents came to collect her- at least there is a witness if not!

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 13:28

That sounds lovely, panini.

We are sort of thinking of a blessing. DH is Catholic, I'm not anything, officially, but am happy to bring DCs up Catholic.

Part of the reason we had a civil wedding was that I was already pg (DS was born by the time we got married), and DH was very about having conceived a child out of wed-lock. I don't think he could have looked a prist in the eye at the time, plus I'm not sure how tricky it would have been with me not being Christened.

morningpaper · 28/08/2009 14:25

Ah yes a convalidation is not a blessing really though - it is a marriage ceremony, rather than blessing an already-recognised marriage ceremony, which is what happens in the CofE. NORMALLY for a convalidation you will have to have a marriage preparation course and agree to sacrifice your firstborn, or something.

Lynette, I think if you are not-baptised that you will need to apply for a dispensation before you can have your marriage convalidated - i.e. is the same procedure as a normal catholic marriage. As long as neither of you have been married before then it shouldn't be too much hassle, as long as you have a nice parish priest.

morningpaper · 28/08/2009 14:27

(Although I'm confused Panini because you say "we went to our priest the other night to sort out our wedding blessing" and you've just told us all about your convalidation which has already happened????)

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 14:30

I am RC. DH is not. No official dispensation was needed for us to marry in a Catholic church.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 14:41

Unless it's something the priest does automatically for you of course. Our priest didn't bat an eyelid at it.

My grandparents weren't allowed to marry on the main altar of the church, although why that should make a difference I don't know, as they married before my grandad converted. From presbyterian to RC - now that was quite a leap.

morningpaper · 28/08/2009 14:49

A dispensation is necessary by definition - don't think a priest is allowed, I think only Bishops can grant it

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 14:50

Hmm. Am I actually married then (in the sacramental sense>? Does the priest apply through the bishop?

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 14:56

Assume the priest sorted it for us. DH is baptised (CofE), which makes a difference I think.

flopalong · 28/08/2009 15:02

I have toys in my house (being a parent and a childminder I would.) I am CRB checked as well, but I would never ask a child to come into my house (not one I didn't know) even when my DS cousins knock on the dooer I ring their parents to let them know they are coming in my house.
I agree, where were the parents. If a child knocked on lost I would wait in the porch with them and phone the police. When I see a child that is to young to be playing out (which happens alot round here) I keep an eye on them from a distence and am not afraid to poke my nose in when someone talks to them. I don't care if I get called nosy. My DS is 6 and I wouldn't dream of letting him play out, theres not even a pavmennt outside my house and I have very big back garden that he is happy to play in. He is happy with my reasons for not letting him out with his cousins. (one is the same age)