To think that health professionals should not call me MUM

[Reallytired]

DD had her jabs today and the nurse kept on calling me "Mum" even though I said to her that I did not want her to call me "Mum". I told her that it was a biological impossiblity that I was her mother.

I have two children and I am happy for me to call me Mum, but I do have a proper name and I think health professionals should use it.

"3) If this is all you have to worry about with regard to healthcare, you can count yourself very lucky. "

i hate this. there's always the implied threat, isn't there? what a disgusting attitude. can you imagine a teacher getting away with telling the parents of pupils that they should count themselves lucky that their kids are getting taught?

You have got to admire aitch's tenacity even if you do not agree with her (and I do)

Riven has mentioned one of the very few things that mad me angry enough to forget my manners. A couple of times my DD was called 'a luekemic'. Even writing that makes my stomach churn. How fucking rude is that? Bastards (and I mean that).

Anyway back to the point - I have absolutely no objection to someone asking me my name or if I am mum or auntie or whatever. I prefer it. DS had very very many medical appointments. His notes stated that he had been neglected and was on the at risk register. There was stuff about how his mother had not fed him etc. Well imagine how lovely it was for me to take him to these appointments and to have nurses and doctors, clerks receptionists give me the and treat me like the scum they thought I was. Thing is, at the time I was his great auntie and I was fostering him. It took me a while to work out why these people were being so bloody rude to me. So ask, its fine!

I now have a family file (free from Early Support Website) it makes things much easier as I can put all relevant information and stuff that I do not want discussed infront of DS. But then again it can be a bloody job to get people to read it.

DS has an appt at GOSH next week. I have only been there a couple of times with DD so its fairly new hospital to us. You know I am going to be thinking of this thread the whole time I am there

PS i don't think i've once railed against the paternalism of doctors. i've experienced this as a midwife/HV problem. i always get on very well with doctors, i find. first name terms and everything. [where appropriate]

TheDM.., you misunderstand. Of course parents are a vital part of their child's care. That is exactly why we have to ensure that any adults with the child have parental responsibility, otherwise they cannot legally make healthcare decisions for a child. Aitch was suggesting that HCPs shouldn't ask her how she should be addressed and that her relationship with the children "should be obvious". That is asking the impossible.

And, while addressing people as "Mum" makes me cringe, I reiterate that it is not my place to tell midwives etc what to do. "Question the state of their note taking"? - you must be bloody joking - I'd be hung, drawn and quartered.

As has been said above, if this issue really bothers you so much, write to your local PALS or (if it happens in a GP surgery) the practice manager.

stop it. i've explained countless times that what should be obvious is that i'm not the hcp's mother. so stop it, okay? you're getting weird on me now, which is embarrassing when you've so spectacularly missed the point.

So in my dealings with parents and children am I offending you if I say " Now,X,I would like you to do this, and Mum to do that"? I suppose from reading the thread it would offend some of you - is it then ok if I say "your Mum" instead of "Mum"? (Which to be honest I probably do do as often - hadn't really paid much attention to this until now.) Wouldn't call someone "Mum" when speaking to them rather than the child though.
And I guess that the nurses who write phone numbers down as Mum and Dad are saving the tiny amount of time they would use by writing "Mrs X (mother) and Mr Y (father)"

I do hope I'm not offending people regularly -though I do get called by my first name by clients,who've heard colleagues using it,and also have been called "Miss" and "Madame". Hate all of those - I'm calling them Mrs X and would like to be called Mrs Y in return,but I really don't feel it is worth making an issue of it.

what a disgusting attitude. can you imagine a teacher getting away with telling the parents of pupils that they should count themselves lucky that their kids are getting taught

Right, so a HCP daring to ask how you want to be addressed is the equivalent of a teacher not teaching a child, is it? Really you must have quite an ego.

chegirl - quite agree with you about "leukaemic" etc. Very rude and dehumanising.

oh that is nice to know, ilovemydog - I think you should name & praise him (we get enough of the other!)

'stuff that I do not want discussed infront of DS. But then again it can be a bloody job to get people to read it.'

heh. yes. dd has an 'all about me' file which states she understands what is being said even if she is in disguise as a 'CP child'.
So the doctor who said 'oh, I don't think she'll live till 10' in her hearing was bang out of order. He hadn't bothered reading this new way of communicating about the child.
I would rather be asked my name or asked how I wish to be addressed that called 'mum'.
But it will change because I am on the training committee. We will tackle 'mum' and disablist language and treating disabled children like lumps of meat (I don't know if that happens to non-disabled as well?)
The last SHO who called me 'mum' got told, politely but firmly 'I am not your 'mum'. You may call me dr Riven or Mrs Riven and one day you can call me Riven. But not mum. ok'
He did not like having his authority question by a mere 'mum' I tell you. He got all hoity and then told me some complete rubbish about dd's epilepsy which forced me to correct him and suggest he called for the consultant.
But he wasn't so common. Its the nurses that I have the most difficulties with. Some are truly lovely but many see you as a bloody nuisance taking up their time with your choking child or emergency seizures or vomit (which they told me to clear up)

lol, jyjay. you are absolutely determined to misinterpret every post i'm making, aren't you? you know that's not what i wrote, i was replying to your implied threat, that i should count myself lucky that this was the only concern i had wrt healthcare.

"Aitch was suggesting that HCPs shouldn't ask her how she should be addressed"

I'm sorry, but that is either a misunderstanding or a misrepresentation of what Aitch has said. She wasn't objecting to it, she was saying they shouldn't call her Mum.

Why do nearly all the med profs feel the need to throw in red herrings here? This level of deliberate muddying of the waters is really rather shocking.

Riven, I am astonished that disability equality training is not already compulsory for everyone working in the NHS.

'So in my dealings with parents and children am I offending you if I say " Now,X,I would like you to do this, and Mum to do that"?'

'your mum' when addressing the child is fine and appropriate. But not 'mum' when addressing the adult.

which one ilovemydog. We know all the paed consultants but think the sun shines out of the arse of dd's pead. Wonder if its the same guy?

Actually I prefer "mummy".

Or perhaps "Mama".

Some may prefer Maman, or Mutti, or Amma, or something else altogether.

Why Mum anyway? It's not what all kids call their mothers anyway.

Milly - right now its an online unit to tick boxes. Its not proper training and many HCP's remain totally ignorant of the social model of disability and correct language.
I have had SHO's address dh about ME because i'm in a wheelchair (along the lines of 'does she take sugar?' DH always says 'ask her, not me) or assume dd doesn't understand anything and pull up her t-shirt or start taking her trousers down without asking her, or introducing themsleves or even talking to me! Not that understanding is neccassary for dignity anyhow.

i'm impressed by pogleswood's response on this, to be fair lb. she's stopping to think about it at least.

and yes, pogleswood, i think by and large most people on this thread who dislike the Mum thing don't make an issue of it at the time, we all understand how pressured appointments are (and we all fear the threat that jybay insinuated). but it's interesting to discuss here, i think, and utterly horrifying to hear the responses of most of your colleagues.

Yes sorry Pogle and anyone else who actually engaged with the subject seriously (there have been a couple). Don't mean all HP's obv.

Yes sorry Pogle and anyone else who actually engaged with the subject seriously (there have been a couple). Don't mean all HP's obv.

In a previous life I used to help train HCPs (mainly midwives). I worked for a organisation working with parents with disabilities. Often I was the only person who presented any training on the subject.

I would present case histories and ask for suggestions/discussion. I was shocked by the answers and ideas given.

Trying to get people to undestand that disabled people had children was hard enough, let alone that when they did it did not automatically have to involve a call to social services.

I remember a group who had been asked to discuss the needs of a Deaf mother. The entire conversation revolved around getting her tested for Syphilis (sp) as that could be a cause of deafness . Not one mention of an interpreter or ensuring good conditons for lipreading etc.

Oh and the other group recommended an IQ test for the mother with CP!

good grief. Was this back in the Dark Ages?

To quote jybay

"I found the nurse's behaviour in the OP incredibly rude but posters like Aitch seem to have completely unrealistic expectations. We cannot guess who every relative is and how s/he might want to be addressed."

Why guess jybay who every relative is and assume? Ask? Also ask them how they would like to be addressed?

?I reiterate that it is not my place to tell midwives etc what to do. "Question the state of their note taking"? - you must be bloody joking - I'd be hung, drawn and quartered.?

Really ? what if you can?t read/understand the notes, do you just leave it then?

I'm also a GP

I never use the term mum/dad when addressing parents - mostly because I think I'd feel a bit silly but also I'm aware of the fact that some don't like it.

I think the reason HPCs on this thread are getting defensive is that they object to the implication that using these terms is always done either to assert power or out of blatant rudeness. Even if you don't accept the other reasons given (and I agree most are invalid) the fact is that most HPCs will be UNAWARE that they are causing offence to some. If they are made aware by patients they will never know.

At our surgery written complaints are ALWAYS discussed in a practice meeting.

Jus' sayin'

do GP's notice messy houses? dd's SW has invited half the country o my house to discuss dd's needs for respite due to her medical issues.
I'm scared I will get a 'bad parent' label cos of unhygenic pigsty

Good grief, I am not "threatening" people with ill-health. What do you think I am, some sort of Dr Evil about to unleash biological warfare?(strokes white cat) However I genuinely think that this issue, however much of an irritant, is trivial compared to the many more important issues of patient safety that the NHS has still not fully addressed.

Before I became a doctor, I was the primary carer of a dying relative, so I have been on the other side of the fence in some very distressing situations and got called god knows what and treated in all sorts of undignified and rude ways. However, at the end of the day, most of the time, my relative got the care he needed and that was the most important thing to me.

Unlike most posters of this thread, I would guess, I have also lived in the US amongst other countries and that has made me a passionate defender of the NHS. I say again that, if the worst that happens to you as a parent is that you are addressed in a way you do not like then that is a fantastic tribute to the NHS and not an inditement of it. By all means pick people up on it - I agree it's rude. But do get some perspective.

I'm going to leave it there because, on reflection, I'm proud to work for a health service where being called "Mum" is apparently a major issue for many people. If that is the worse that parents experience, then we are doing pretty well.