To think that health professionals should not call me MUM

[Reallytired]

DD had her jabs today and the nurse kept on calling me "Mum" even though I said to her that I did not want her to call me "Mum". I told her that it was a biological impossiblity that I was her mother.

I have two children and I am happy for me to call me Mum, but I do have a proper name and I think health professionals should use it.

'although the people responding to this thread are not representative of the general population of mothers).'

In what way? A lot of us on the thread are parents whose children have a long term condition and thus have to spend a great deal of time in hospital around HCP. Most parents will rarely see a doctor or nurse for their child - my older 3 haven't seen a doctor since they were born (apart from when dd broke her arm and was in A&E)
There are some HCP who need to realise that its a partnership with the parents to get the child better. The parent does the majority of the care while in hospital, the parent administers the daily meds and injections, the parent knows the history of the illness, what meds have been tried, what ops etc etc. The parent is the expert on that child in the room.
We are not useless appendages to the patient without a name. And many of us (this is discussed at support groups and email groups for sick and disabled children all the time) dislike being called 'mum'. But its just not getting through to some HCP's who think they know best.
We are not foolish or stupid to have these feelings.
And ike I asked earlier, if a spuse was there are they reffered to as 'husband' r 'wife'? I think not.

It is very, very interesting and rather depressing to see how defensive and dismissive of our concerns most of the medical professionals on this thread have been.

It is quite hilarious actually. Talk about fulfilling stereotypes

Actually even if we were stupid or foolish to have these feelings, that would be no reason to ignore them. I think Christiana's pretty foolish to think Chris is better, but hey, that's her feelings and because I respect her, I respect her feelings. The fact that so many med profs don't respect the feelings of their patients and their patients' parents, says an awful lot about how far the profession has to go in its dealings with the public.

ROFL at the elderly Ms Kirschman:

"To avoid stereotyping, Ms. Kirschman said, she often sprinkles her conversation with profanities when she is among people who do not know her. ?That makes them think, This is someone to be reckoned with,? she said. ?A little sharpness seems to help.?"

(from Snapple's link)

Maybe we all ought to adopt profanities so that med profs don't call us Mum?

what? Like 'darn'?

bit of a tangent, but ... My title is 'Professor' and whenever I am asked 'Is that Miss or Mrs?' (i.e often), I respond with 'Professor'. A few weeks ago I had this exchange with a receptionist, who replied, 'so is that 'Mrs Professor'?'.

My father has always been known by his middle name. He was seriously ill in hospital recently, in intensive care for months, and there were some nurses who always remembered to call him by his middle name [after we had asked] and there were some who always called him by his first name. The impact on him and us was huge. It was just a simple act of acknowledging him as a human being, but not all of them would do it, despite being asked more than once. Those who did do it were generally much kinder, much more sensitive than the ones who didn't. The same thing happened to a dear elderly friend when she was dying, also known by her middle name. But that time almost every nurse resolutely called her by her first name, even after being asked many times. I think it is pretty shit that when you lie dying the HCPs around you can't even be bothered to call you by your real name.

I think all this has quite a bearing on why some HCPs call us 'mum'

pofaced, I'm really sorry about your father and your friend. That does seem to show a lack of respect especially as both were in such a vulnerable position (as were their family and friends). If they were specifically asked to call your father/ friend by a certain name and reminded of such then they were being v disrespectful especially if they were looking after them on a daily basis. This was also the situation with the OP and the nurse was also disrespectful although the situation was far more minor.
Rivened, I think you have just answered the question yourself as to why you (or some others on this thread) are not representative of mothers in general. It is exactly because you have children with chronic, serious health conditions that you do not represent most mothers. Most mothers do not have any children with serious medical conditions. Of course, you have to see the doctor more frequently so have more opportunity to observe and reflect upon their behaviour towards you. You are in a more vulnerable position (than most mothers) as you must be so concerned for your sick child. You are far more expert than most HCPs on your child's condition. (I personally remember this being taught at medical school and have always been fully aware of it).
I am a GP and I can assure you that the huge majority of my consultations with children are not with chronically and seriously ill children. They are for fairly minor problems in otherwise well children. Even paediatricians see large percentage of generally healthy children. Therefore, even though you have to (unfortunately) see HCPs more than the average mother, you do not represent more consultations and you are not typical of most mothers.
I am sorry that some of the HCPs appear to have been patronising or dismissive to you. I do feel, however, that (some) people on this thread have assumed that HCP's use the word 'mum' as a way of belittling you. I really don't think this is the case, at least not for the majority.

i keep thinking about that thread where the woman wanted to call her black friends coloured... she meant no harm, she wasn't doing it to belittle... but the point came when it was pointed out to her by black posters that it was not their preferred term and STILL she wanted to use it. so what does that say about her?

it says she thinks she was right and everyone else was wrong or making a silly fuss or downright foolish. And I'm getting that message from some HCP's too.

perhaps she thought that the sample of black people on MN wasn't representative? or that they were moaners?

No time to read this whole thread but, I have to say a sa GP I don't call people "Mum" as I agree it sounds patronising. Not as bad as "love" though - should be a sackable offence to call a patient that (usually done to the elderly) IMHO!

However, I do also think it is wrong to think this is a way of putting parents down. The main problem is that a child's surname is no longer any guide to what it's parent's surname will be. I have 2000 patients of my own and often see the other 6000 at our practice. There is no way that I can remember the name of every parent. It's tempting to use "Mum" and "Dad" to get round this problem. Though, as I say, I don't do it myself, I do think it's a bit paranoid to see it as a conspiracy to belittle you.

Actually, smallwhitecat, I agree that people working for the NHS can get 'caught up in the system'. I also agree that, as a body, the NHS is slow to change in terms of attitudes. It is v hierarchical and can be oppressive (especially in hospital medicine), which is one reason I chose to be a GP. In some ways, I would love to leave the NHS too and work privately and have much longer appointments, less patients and be much better paid per hour (like a lawyer perhaps) It would be a lot easier than working for the NHS and constantly having to meet government enforced targets, jump through hoops, etc. Most doctors who want to train in a particular specialty don't have the choice but to work for the NHS as there is no other way to get the experience in this country.
Oh, btw, a lot of Drs do have to perform patient surveys and be appraised by colleagues. Unfortunately, those who tend to be the worst at communication often don't see all this as v important!
Anyway, this has v little do to with the original OP- just replying to your post.

this is a small nosey on my part, but do GP's have to pay for the receptionists and rent on the building out of their salaries or is that paid for by the NHS?
I've never had a GP call me mum, its always hospital based doctors and nurses. In fact, got a copy of a letter this morning from Lifetime (a service for life limited children) to my GP which says 'I have informed mum'. The writer is a nurse. Its a letter. She could have put 'I have informed Mrs Riven' but no. I am an appendage.

GPs are not directly employed by the NHS but are independent contractors, so we pay for all expenses of running the Practice from our income (with a few exceptions - for example, in some areas the PCTs have bought some software for practices because - as a larger organisation -they can get a better deal).

This is why the claims about GPs all being paid £380,000 (thank you Daily Mail - what a great paper) are such cr*p. Out of that income, we have to pay all staff costs, utility bills etc etc. All I can say is that - if GPs are supposed to be on £380,000 - someone owes me £330,000!

you do realise that fifty grand is a really, really, really good wage, don't you? and tbh the gps i know are earning a good deal more than that.

doesn't 50K put you in the top 5%?
It might be why my GP looked puzzled when he suggested I buy hash for my MS pain and I pointed out that I couldn't afford it.

Yes, £50k is a great salary. Was I complaining? I was just pointing out that it is £330,000 less that the Daily Mail says that I earn.

small white I can't really comment on criminal lawyers specifically as I don't know any. The lawyers I know personally are in different fields of law and certainly get paid v well. Also, surely not all lawyers are self employed (unless they are partners)? Also, not all GPs are self employed partners. Some are locums, others are employed by the practice (salaried GPs). The partners are the ones who earn the much higher salaries (actually there is a big difference) and some partnerships will earn far more than others.

Hello, see this is still rumbling on.

I have to disagree with the assertion that we are not representative of parents because of our children's long term/serious illnesses.

We are still mothers. We are no different from parents of well children apart from our children are/were ill.

We dont suddenly turn into different beings because we have to become experts in CP, CF or cancer. I didnt like being called 'mum' before my DD got leukemia anymore than I did after diagnosis. We just have to hear it more often. We have had to learn to be more assertive (have you met an oncology parent? ) so are more likely to speak out. So maybe we are the vocal minority whilst those that have a short, stressful but finite stay in hospital just grin and bear it?

There is one thing this thread has done for me. Next time I am called mum inappropriately I will politely (I am always polite because I respect HCPs) point out that I do not appriecate it.

But sadly after reading the attitudes of many HCPs here I doubt it will make any difference.

I will keep my promise to NEVER use it in my work.

I work as a HCP and see a lot of parents/guardians with children to take blood from the child
I introduce myself to the child, then the parents then shake hands
I say Hi I'm renaldo as I am shaking hands
About 1 in 10 parents will respond with their name - which I appreciate - then I have to say And you are? Hoping they will introduce themselves because I don't know their name or relationship with the child a

I do think it's OK to say "are you Mum" when first meeting the parent because the more formal alternative - "Are you the mother?" sounds somehow accusatory. However I do not then address the parent as "Mum".

You would be amazed how often people don't disclose that they are not the mother/main carer, so HCPs do need to ask.