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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that health professionals should not call me MUM

843 replies

Reallytired · 21/08/2009 19:34

DD had her jabs today and the nurse kept on calling me "Mum" even though I said to her that I did not want her to call me "Mum". I told her that it was a biological impossiblity that I was her mother.

I have two children and I am happy for me to call me Mum, but I do have a proper name and I think health professionals should use it.

OP posts:

chegirl · 22/08/2009 20:54

Just for the record. I do not feel threatened by the term or think its all part of a plot to put down the masses. Its rude.

And as for patients speaking up. FFS. It took me months to be able to say something like 'is anyone going to feed my daughter?' because I didnt want to cause a fuss. Even now I have to be very concerned before I can bear to confront even the rudest medic.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 20:55

like i say, cheshirekitty, i know that. i just think that any nurse who thinks that particular bit of research doesn't apply to him or her because it's a recommendation for doctors would not be suffering a surfeit of brain. like you, i personally prefer first names but i wouldn't dream of starting off that way. not that this is quite the same debate, because Mum is loaded in a way that mr/mrs/ms/miss isn;t.

am fascinated to know how you gather data on your patients' preferences, sawyer.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 20:57

oh yes chegirl this mum thing gets on my nerves but i wouldn't say anything. they've got me over a barrel, they're jagging my kid. and then it's over and we're out the door and i'm hardly going to take up their other appointments by mentioning it.

scottishmummy · 22/08/2009 21:01

i introduce myself forename surname and ask how the pt would like to be addressed

hello i am sm,and you are...........pause they tell you.........you use it

chegirl · 22/08/2009 21:04

One of the reasons I find it hard to speak up is because I know that the majority of HCPS are doing their best. Just because I dont like the term being used does not mean I am ungreatful or looking for offence at every turn.

Quite the opposite. When DD was ill all I wanted was to get in, get her well, and get out again with as little upset and fuss as possible. I lived in hospitals, I saw those nurses almost as much as I saw my OH and and a lot more than I saw the rest of my family. I didnt want to make life more horribly bollocks than it already was.

So any HCP who thinks that their patients would happily speak out is deluding themselves.

Sawyer64 · 22/08/2009 21:07

When my DC was having his appendix out,I arrived from work one day and was in uniform,and the doctors were doing a ward round,they "assumed" I was just one of the staff and totally ignored me,I had to speak up and explain I was "mum".

I would never call an elderly person by their first name unless invited to do so,I trained when everyone was referred to as Mr or Mrs or Sir etc.

I personally feel that standards have slipped when "Sister" on the ward is called by her first name etc. Casual terms, casual attitudes,IMO.

But as a Mum I am proud to be called that.That is my "Status" and I want HCP to recognise that.I don't want my DC to be frightened by an officious nurse or doctor,a "casual" manner with a informal term makes me feel more at ease to ask questions.

I just don't agree its condescending.I'm very proud to be a Mum,and as such don't mind people acknowleding that.If I'm in the minority,then so be it.

By the way,we have done quite a few anon. surveys.While some people may not openly object to this,I'm sure they wouldn't say that they feel their nurse is approachable and eficient,if they were so grossly offended.

scottishmummy · 22/08/2009 21:07

completely true,the imbalance of the situation (eg you need staff) does disempower the most capable person

which is why staff should be aware that nerves/anxieties/not wishing to prejudice a loved one care all render the most able adult more passive

cheshirekitty · 22/08/2009 21:10

TBH aitch, I found your comment that the BMA asked us nicely to be a little bit patronising. It was as if we were little schoolgirls. Maybe I took it the wrong way.
The content of the BMA report I totally agree with.

And I always start off with Mrs or Miss or Mr.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 21:10

i'm proud to be my dds' mum... that's one of the reasons why i don't like it when midwives use the term as jargonistic shorthand for 'i haven't read the notes'. you do realise that the objection is not to being identified as the child's mother, but as the nurse's mother? your mum, fine. mum? nope.

HerBeatitude · 22/08/2009 21:10

Absolutely Aitch and Chegirl. Just because one can rant for England on here, doesn't mean one spends one time ranting in hospitals, doctor surgeries etc.

That's why they conduct anonymous research -
because the people who actually give a shit wwhat their patients think, don't assume they know. They ask them. In a way that they are most likely to tell them the truth.

My HV was absolute rubbish. She knew as much about breastfeeding as I know about astro-physics. But oh she was a sweetie, no way would I ever complain about her.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 21:12

not patronising so much as snarky, i'd say.

HerBeatitude · 22/08/2009 21:12

LOL cheshirekitty, that's how we feel when we're addressed as Mum.

LOL sawyer, good for you wanting to be called mum. But some of us don't want to be, are you saying we have to be? Should I start calling Chris Christiana?

chegirl · 22/08/2009 21:13

FFS @ the whole proud to be a mum stuff.

That is hardly the point here is it?

I am assuming you are proud to be a nurse but you dont like being addressed as such do you?

cheshirekitty · 22/08/2009 21:19

I don't mind being addressed as nurse or cheshirekitty. I object to having fingers snapped at me to get my attention.

And like the OP found being addressed as mum patronising, I found being asked nicely patronising.

chegirl · 22/08/2009 21:24

Sawyer has already stated that she doesnt like being called Nurse or Sister.

I would be suprised if anyone liked having fingers snapped at them. It is very rude.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 21:26

used to make me pmsl when i was working in a bar or restaurant. what a way to behave, snapping fingers.

Ceolas · 22/08/2009 21:27

I've read most of the thread and I tend to agree with the power grabbing theories. However in reality, it annoys me without making me bothered enough to say anything about it.

I have a name and would prefer to be called by it. I hate people referring to themselves as Mrs or Mr X. Don't understand the need for titles really.

cheshirekitty · 22/08/2009 21:31

I just think these days people are much ruder. It takes nothing to say please or thank you.

Anyway, I am going to start my 2nd job now (writing for the dm), so I will be off (although I may lurk to enhence my column) tee hee hee.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 22/08/2009 21:33

arf.

edam · 22/08/2009 23:24

Sawyer, why are you resolutely refusing to believe the people who say a. it pisses them off and b. they wouldn't dream of telling you?

Btw, 'was your nurse approachable and efficient' is a very different question to 'did she address you as you would like to be addressed'.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 23/08/2009 09:41

'You might not agree Sawyer, but do you understand that good manners dictates that it is not up to you what you call someone, but up to them?'

Sawyer, like a lot of nurses isn't listening. I end up saying 'please can you call me Riven, I am not your mum'. Then some doctor will come in and say 'if mum can sit over there'
If a spouse is with a pateint does he say 'wife can sit over there'? no. He doesn't. On adults wards they attemtp to learn the name. Why cant they manage on children's wards?
But luckily there are now 2 parents on the children's working committee and we have brought up the 'mum' thing. And yes, nurses did argue the toss that we, who were saying we didn't like to be called 'mum' were wrong.
Patronisng and close minded.
Not one of the consultants calls us 'mum'. They are polite and well mannered and glance at the name on the file.

pinkgerbera · 23/08/2009 09:58

YABU - or rather the people who think it is some kind of power play are. Have not read the whole thread but having been on both sides can honestly say it doesn't bother me whatsoever to be addressed as mum when the patient is my DC - as long as they know who he/she is.

From the other side I am an anaesthetist who introduces herself as (first name surname - your anaesthetist). I ask the adult if they are 'mum/dad' because I need to know their relationship to the child for them to consent on behalf of the child. If they said 'yes but i prefer you to call me 'name'' i would do that but as I am conversing with them in the presence of the child I do not see that addressing them as 'mum/dad' is insulting/demeaning - that is who they are in relation to my patient.

I find it irritating that people seem to think that HCP as a whole are 'out to get them' or on some kind of power trip. We are generally just trying to do our jobs & concentrate on the things that make a difference to treatment to make our patients better. It is not a conspiracy!

loobylu3 · 23/08/2009 10:00

All of you who dislike being referred to as 'mum' do you actually introduce yourselves to the HCP concerned? When they say 'good morning, I'm Dr X/ Nurse Y/ Alison' do you say 'hello I'm Mrs A/ Laura/ MissB' because if you do introduce yourselves in the same way, I can see that it is rude to not use your name. However, if you don't, I think it is a little unfair to assume that they will know what you do/ don't like to be called. They don't have your notes there (just the child's) and it would also be rude to assume that your name is the same as the child's name. So perhaps a little more clarification on the mother's part (rather than submission) is called for and a little more understanding on the HCP's?

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 23/08/2009 10:02

if you address the child and say 'your mum' thats fine but to address another adult as 'mum' directly is incorrect and patronisng. IMO.
And some HCP are a bit power trippy. I ad one doctor who insisted on calling me 'mum' after I'd asked her not too then explained dd's EEG as 'bad wiggly lines and good wiggly lines'
sigh.

snapple · 23/08/2009 10:27

www.nytimes.com/2008/10/07/us/07aging.html

I've posted the link to an article referring to the interesting research that an earlier poster, I think Milly mentioned.

loobylu3 and pinkgerbera I think a quick introduction between the patient, parent, hcp should suffice, obviously an emergency situation is different, but for the case of immunisations, which was the situation for the op then I don't see the issue. the op didn't want to be addressed as mum, simple as that.

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