To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

[wasabipeas]

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

ha ha in my case 3 scars

Been thinking a bit about the whole "c-section seen as a failure" business.

When women who are pregnant with their first child say that they want a natural birth and to breastfeed, even get a bit preachy about these things, I don't think we should judge them too harshly.

After all, they are facing up to a huge experience with many unknown factors, and I think a lot of womens' voiced hopes and wishes amount to self-reassurance, rather than sanctimony.

Hoping for the safest and most straightforward birth experience is probably a very healthy thing to do, even if it turns out to be a false hope.

Sitting here at 39 weeks pregnant (3rd pregnancy), I know I am wishing for a 3 hour labour on gas and air with no tearing and a baby that's sussed feeding within an hour. Hell, I even have secret wishes about the most convenient time for the baby to arrive. In fact those thoughts are helping me to keep my composure, as my previous 2 experiences have been very far from that.

I suppose the difference this time is that I have the insight not to tell everyone that this is what I have planned, and can see them for what they are - natural hopes for everything to turn out well.

Just because someone doesn't get their wishes, it doesn't mean they've failed - it just means they have had to rethink everything, which IME can be the greater achievement. I learned more about humility and respect for others from my c-section and miscarriage than I personally could have done from 2 straightforward births.

nasty op

unfortunately a competitive birth ethos has developed for some. some notion of the correct or perfect birth

and if you dont do it analgesia free, chanting a tribal incantation, chewing gojji berries,bouncing ona birth ball you have failed. inference being dont let dem scalpel weilding crazed Dr's near you

well 90% of birth plans dont go to plan

scottishmummy I tend to agree with you, but when I sit and try to count up the number of people I know who have actually voiced this opinion, I don't reach a very high number, and most of them are newspaper columnists anyway! Then I wonder if I am just projecting my self-imposed expectations onto the outside world.

well, I'm expecting my first (as I mentioned earlier), and have been told that I may end up with a C-section due to baby's position. I was originally saying (if anyone asked) that I would prefer a natural birth, but ultimately, will do whatever is best for me and baby.

I have since come across far far too many people who say either 'well, it won't be at all like you plan it, ha ha ha' or 'A c-section? too posh to push? ha ha ha' or 'wouldn't a c-section be a bit of a failure? mine were all natural, and it's not that painful you know. mind over matter!'.

Please note, I have not been bragging about how perfect the birth will be, but just responding to queries from 'well meaning' aquaintances about what my plans would be in an ideal world, although I'm aware that they are unlikely to happen. And I am so so sick of everyone and anyone having an opinion on how wrong I am about birth. Everyone has an opinion about child birth, and so many seem to like ramming it down pregnant women's throats. It's mainly men and childless women who tell me the first 2 things by the way...

Would we tell someone who needed a general anaesthetic for a dental procedure that they'd failed, as they should manage on a local? well, I wouldn't. But if (for example) they'd heard about my dental procedure being done under a local and said 'oh, well, some people can't take the pain, I'll just be using mind power to block out the negative feelings' or whatever claptrap, and then they ended up having a local, I think I'd have a momentary feeling of glee. I wouldn't run up to them and go 'HA HA EPIC FAIL!', but I'd have a small snurk to myself, think 'Pride really does come before a fall', then get on with my life. which is pretty much exactly what the OP has said she's done.

as for the NCT nazis comments - I'm sure they do exist, but my NCT teacher was fantastic - she just kept saying, do what is best for you and baby, natural birth is great if you can do it, but don't beat yourself up if you can't - just do what is best! a portion of our classes were devoted to C sections, just in case we needed one. she was great. the breastfeeding counsellor on the other hand...

I don't think for a second that the OP is jumping up and down with joy, rubbing her hands together and cackling that her stepsister had a horrible time. I've seen many a thread where posters have been laughing at people's views of what parenthood will be like before their child is born, only to be brought down to earth with a bump when they experience the reality. 'My child will sleep all night and we won't ever let him sleep in our bed' etc etc.

I know that this is slightly different as childbirth can be traumatic and obviously has brought up painful memories for some posters. But I can also understand why the OP would feel justified in feeling a bit of guilty pleasure after hearing so many criticisms and pointed comments. It's not kind, or right, but it is understandable.

pragmatically a baby has to come out and we all hope for the safest,least invasive,least traumatic.for mum and baby

i have had snippy comments about my CS deliveries but you know what they werent there they dont know my situation. it is easy to opine on something you are not directly involved in

Congratulations on Pg arolf.

The traumatic birth won't make any difference, I bet you anything that the next time you see her she'll be harping on about what a great mother she is because she was prepared to risk her life having major surgery for the sake of her baby, she was so panicked because she thought her baby was in danger because they bonded so closely during pregnancy, etc etc. I guarantee there will be no humble pie!

There's no point in feeling smug because she will always out-smug you by miles. YABU.

actually i do think OP is comes across as cackling and gleeful

her language is emotive and nasty

"stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us"

I've mostly been able to ignore it - no you havent you are on MN bellyaching

do we all believe this subjective account of nasty SIL. i wonder if perhaps wasabipeas has her own issues and is embellishing the account. bigging the SIL up as evil while poor ole wasabipeas has to demurely listen?

hell she gives whatt for in print,makes me wonder if she does in RL too

as i said way back wasabipeas and SIL both sound as if they have history and issues together

I'm willing to believe it; I've met plenty like her SIL. maybe wasabipeas isn't angelic and pure of mind, but I doubt her SIL is truly a lovely person.
They may have issues, but that doesn't make the OP unreasonable to say she felt a little bit of smugness on hearing of the birth going awry. Note 'felt' not 'told all her relatives that she felt'

Actually, I don't think YABU if you are secretly feeling smug but don't intend to rub it in her face. I think it's human nature to feel as you do since she's been baiting you for ages.

I do feel sorry for her though and am sure that looking past what she's said in the past you do too. Maybe her experience will make her think about what she says to others in the future.

Furious, why so furious? If I don't have a problem with my friends possibly smiling over my birth experience then why do you? I think some people here need to relax a little...

And, never mind bad birth experiences (I am not talking TRAUMATIC ones - that's a different story, just 'normal' bad ones), I have much more sympathy for people with badly sleeping children. Not being able to sleep properly for months or even years is just pure torture and I don't wish it on anyone.

OP. I totally understand your sentiments, but I'd secretly flick her the Vs instead of posting on MN .....

Good Well I don't know if they DID smile or not, all I said was if they did I wouldn't mind.

Sorry, forgot to say ... I wouldn't post this on MN because some people can't distinguish between you having a little rant, in the circumstances, and you being an evil cow.

How would you know what your friends were thinking anyway? If they're good friends, they'll keep quiet.
You can't control your emotional responses sometimes, but you can choose to keep them in your inner monologue. Yes, birth is a significant and personal experience for most, but so is just about every aspect of having a baby, from first test to first teeth, and most people take parenting critism extremely hard. In the case of 'know-it-alls' who nitpick your parenting skills you would have to be made of stone not to feel something, and it is natural that these emotions manifest themselves occasionally in spiteful or smug feelings, particularly in circumstances like the OP has described.

I don't think you can control your emotional response-there are people on mumsnet where I think-just you wait 10 yrs! The thing is that once you have had the response, almost a reflex action, you do control it and keep quiet. I can't believe that everyone is so saintly that a horrible thought never creeps in-even if they don't like themselves for letting it!