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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

170 replies

wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 15:36

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

OP posts:
SmallScrewCap · 18/08/2009 16:08

As someone who is waiting to give birth any minute (and is hoping to go naturally but may well have to be induced or go to a c-section), I'm remembering now what a sensitive time it is - and what a great leveller.

I am also having to deal with a lot of family members bringing their own expectations and opinions to it all.

I don't blame you for hoping that it will bring her down a peg or two, particularly if she has been snippy about your own birth experiences, but try and remember what you felt like when you were immediately pre/post natal and try to find it in yourself to just say "Well done!" Definitely disagree that you should "try and get a catty comment in." Have a good old vent on here, and then in real life try and be the bigger person.

BadgersArse · 18/08/2009 16:09

he he he

Original poster
wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 16:09

Kathy, I know
It is all I could do to bite my tongue
I'm also not too posh to push - I had a nice raft of complications which left me with no option, but either the NCT nazis had got to her, or she just felt like having a dig

OP posts:
Original poster
wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 16:10

Thank you screwcap
I think you have put it very well

OP posts:
BornToFolk · 18/08/2009 16:11

Well, YABU but understandably so, I think. She sounds horrible.

But she also sounds like the kind of person who is never, ever wrong in their own eyes so she probably won't learn from it. So, she had to have a c-section because her labour was just so horrible and complicated but other women are just to lazy to push etc etc.

Actually, she sounds like the kind of person who will consider having a horrific birth as some kind of achievement IYKWIM. "Oh, you just had G&A? Well, my labour was so intense, I had to have an epidural" etc etc.

WidowWadman · 18/08/2009 16:13

I've had odd ideas in pregnancy, and thought I'd have a hippie tree-hugger birth, and in the end ended up with all the bells and whistles of pain relief and a c-section thrown in for good measure.

There's so much bobbins about 'ideal birth' and how to parent on the web, in magazins and everywhere, that it's no surprise that she aimed for this 'ideal', having no experience to measure it against.

Help her to come to terms with it if she feels like a failure now, and help her see, that there's nowt wrong with a c-section.

If she needs help breastfeeding if it doesn't go as smoothly as she hopes it will, please help her with advice or point her into the right direction for advice, so that she can manage to breastfeed however long she wants to.

I understand why you feel a little smug, but be honest, have you not have had thought (and said) things in pregnancy which make you cringe now?

Goblinchild · 18/08/2009 16:14

What Eyeballs said.
Like the Schadenfreude I felt when a previous Mrs Judgypants found out her DS was on the spectrum too. After a couple of years of being a snotty cow.
Can be helpful and supportive after, but only human to be a bit smug.
TBH, she sounds like she has serious self-esteem and honesty issues, and that you are seeing the symptoms rather than the cause.

Disenchanted3 · 18/08/2009 16:16

In this case YANBU IMO,

most will think you are but I thought 'ha.'

So shoot me

SmallScrewCap · 18/08/2009 16:18

Good for you. It sounds like she will give you plenty of opportunities in her life as a parent to remind her that she's only human like the rest of us - but not this, eh?

I had my 1st by c-section, which was exactly what I didn't want, and I had a few people reminding me how much I'd wanted a natural birth when they came to visit newborn and banging on about how disappointed I must be. It just about broke my heart.

wilkos · 18/08/2009 16:18

smallscrewcap

this woman has said some very unreasonable things to the OP in the past and i don't think she should have to put up with it

but that is what i would do, just a teeny tiny catty comment

and only then would i be prepared to be the bigger person full of the milk of human kindness

sunfleurs · 18/08/2009 16:20

It doesn't sound like it was that bad actually so don't think it is a case of being pleased about a bad birth.

YABU but I would be too.

Think we all very very unrealistic expectations about giving birth though. I took books and magazines for between pains! . I didn't have the first clue.

arolf · 18/08/2009 16:20

I agree with Disenchanted

I'm just waiting for my mum to go all smug when I have had my first though - she's already told me that having a C section is a kind of failure, so I should not have one, even though it's looking more and more like I might have to.

so long as you don't vocalise your smugness to your stepsister, you're totally entitled to feel that way I think!

SmallScrewCap · 18/08/2009 16:23

I agree wilkos, some of the things she has said to wasabipeas sound completely vile. However, they are also clueless, so hopefully their power to hurt wasabipeas is undermined somewhat.

I think the key word in the title of this thread is "secretly."

kathyis6incheshigh · 18/08/2009 16:25

Sunfleurs - I don't know about unrealistic expectations, I think it's just that births are very variable. I was doing cryptic crosswords between contractions with my second - no way could I have done with my first!

cheesesarnie · 18/08/2009 16:26

agree with greeny.

she sounds horrible but you are being very unreasonable.

GirlsAreLoud · 18/08/2009 16:29

No that's wrong. You shouldn't ever, ever wish something like that on someone no matter how much you dislike them.

I can't stand my SIL but I am pleased that she had straightforward and trauma-free births because I wouldn't wish the delivery I had with DD (or any traumatic delivery) on my worst enemy (I suppose she is the closest thing to my worst enemy!)

I really do think that what you've said is quite shameful.

SmallScrewCap · 18/08/2009 16:30

Wasabipeas, when I have to deal with people like this, I just imagine that they are wearing a large hat bearing a flashing neon sign with the legend "BULLSHIT" on it.

Secretly, of course!

I don't think it can have failed to cross her mind that she has been too hard on others (and herself) and didn't know what she was letting herself in for. She doesn't sound like the type to ever admit to this, though.

edam · 18/08/2009 16:31

don't blame you wasabi - clearly she's very insecure and feels compelled to compete with you but that doesn't excuse being a completely insensitive cow.

Suspect Born is right, though, and she won't learn a sausage from this, will just assume she is always right - in her eyes, everyone else is too lazy to give birth 'properly', while she desperately needed life-saving surgery...

Original poster
wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 16:32

Cheese/Girls
I don't think she really had a traumatic delivery
It wasn't the birth she was hoping for - but god knows what she was hoping for
She had very unrealistic expectations and I think just thought by saying 'I want a home birth with whale music' you get one
Not every CS leaves someone scarred and traumatised

OP posts:
Wigglesworth · 18/08/2009 16:33

I am going to disagree with the majority of posters and say YANBU, she sounds like a nasty bitch and her holier than thou attitude would piss me off too. It isn't nice when a woman has a terrible time giving birth, but it does annoy me when people who haven't been through it are judgemental of women who have had to have a c-section or pain relief etc. Her attitudes are so ignorant and ill founded.
I would be feeling very smug too (although probably quietly), don't rub her nose in it just yet, I would keep it in the holster and use it later on the next time she has a nasty dig at you (but I am a cow at times ). Out of interest is she breastfeeding too?

Greensleeves · 18/08/2009 16:35

your OP says she had a full-blown panic attack after 8 hours in pain and had to have a CS because they couldn't calm her down

it's not the worst birth story I've ever heard but for a first-time mother it's pretty awful

I'm surprised so many posters are egging you on actually

GirlsAreLoud · 18/08/2009 16:37

You say she had a panic attack and had to have a c section as a result but you also don't think that qualifies as a traumatic experience?

Actually,I have to say, I've never actually heard of someone having to have a c-section because of a panic attack.

Also, read back your own words:

"can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us."

I would be ashamed of writing that about anybody.

londonartemis · 18/08/2009 16:41

YANBU to SECRETLY be pleased. But don't expect her to backtrack. She will turn it into 'unique' labour which defies all expectation, and will dine out on it for months. Believe me, I have heard these labour bores....

ToffeeCrumble · 18/08/2009 16:44

YANBU at all.

KERALA1 · 18/08/2009 16:44

I agree with the just smile and be a better person comments.

DH has an acquaintance who is abit like this. Everything she does is better than everyone else to a hilarious extent. After she had an admittedly unpleasant birth we wondered how she would present it. Of course she had the WORST birth the hospital had ever seen, they both nearly died (turned out the baby just had a touch of jaundice but there you go).

We just made the right noises and had a good laugh in the car on the way home about how this woman always has to top everyone else, even about something like this.