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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

170 replies

wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 15:36

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

OP posts:
MaggieBeauLeo · 18/08/2009 17:48

I understand your taking a dislike to her, I'm no plaster saint, I've done the same.

But I often feel when somebody has a baby that if you send them a couple of babygrows a toy and a card with good wishes, it seems to erase any minor tensions that were there in the past. Have had this happen to me when I had my own first baby and some people I hadn't thought would wish us well went out of their way to do so. It felt good to have 'permission' on both sides to let the bad feeling go.

Ripeberry · 18/08/2009 18:15

The fact that she had a 'panic attack' suggests to me that you should go easy with her.
Although she makes nasty snide remarks, just rise above them as she unfortunately, cannot cope with normal life and civility it seems.
Give her some slack....she sounds too much like my mum (manic depressive), used to get really moody and jealous when I was a teenager and used to do lots of snide remarks (yes, to her own DD).
Hope you go and visit her and the baby soon, and give lots of praise.

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 18/08/2009 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katiestar · 18/08/2009 19:36

Have you ever had a panic attack ?I have had a panic attack once.It is something completely beyond your control not some sort of wimpishness as you seem to be inferring. I am more afraid of having another panic attack than of the experience which triggered it.

violethill · 18/08/2009 19:41

Trouble with this sort of thread is it ends up with people getting genuinely hurt because they think it's some sort of slight on their own experience.

Read the OP. It gives some fairly horrendous examples of how the SIL was unbelievably cruel to the OP, making vicious comments about bf, the OPs csection etc. She also, very naively assumed that she would sail through a first labour without any problems.

Who can blame the OP for then feeling a little bit smug when in fact the SIL didn't achieve her natural home birth because she couldn't cope with the pain? She had it coming to her.
That's not a criticism of anyone else's birth, or experience -it's a criticism of the SIL for being a superior cow.

Asana · 18/08/2009 19:58

YANBU. That is all.

katiestar · 18/08/2009 20:00

There is a world of difference between hoping the experience might make your SIL less judgmental (very understandable) and being pleased that had a terrifying experience which sounds unbelievably cruel to me

expatinscotland · 18/08/2009 20:00

This is one of those times when it's really better to keep one's thoughts and experiences to oneself or confined to one's living room amongst RL supporters.

Not saying there's anything wrong with feeling how you do, it's a feeling, there are reasons for it, etc.

But this thread was probably ill-advised.

chegirl · 18/08/2009 20:03

YANBU to feel a bit 'hee hee'. Its not like you are saying you are going to go round and shout 'told you so you stupid bint' through her letterbox is it?

She sounds like a right mare. Why do you have to suddenly feel all warm towards her because she had a rough time? It doesnt make any sense.

If you were telling us you are about to put out an ad in the local paper saying 'ner ner ner ner ner' I would say you were being VU but that does not appear to be the case.

SpawnChorus · 18/08/2009 20:07

Do you think, expat? TBH I admit things here on MN that I would never admit in RL, except to DH.

SpawnChorus · 18/08/2009 20:08

And perhaps not even to him, if it regarded the ILs!

expatinscotland · 18/08/2009 20:09

I keep a lot of stuff to myself, Spawn.

But I see your point there.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump · 18/08/2009 20:12

yanbu

daft bint

Megglevache · 18/08/2009 20:12

Wasabi, forgive me for not reading all the posts (have dd jumping on my keyboard lap)

I can be a right cow at times (especially if I am crossed) but I think you are being harsh, I wouldn't wish a shit birth on anyone, no matter now smug, nasty or vile they were.

Ponders · 18/08/2009 20:13

violethill, you said exactly what I was thinking.

The OP would have to be a saint not to feel vindicated by what's happened to her step-sister & I'm not aware that even the saintliest MNer has been canonised yet?

scottishmummy · 18/08/2009 20:15

this says a more about you than her. schadenfreude

so she gets on your tits?doesn't mean you should delight at her hard times

grow up

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 18/08/2009 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vixma · 18/08/2009 20:16

Sure your not the one who is resentful? Poor thing, sounds aweful, and you feel smug, you must be so proud.

Thingiebob · 18/08/2009 20:17

I don't think she wished a shit birth on her stepsister - just a bit smug that it didn't go to plan.

So, I'd probably feel the same but wouldn't say anything.

Don't think she is being unreasonable to have these kind of feelings - to act on them would be unreasonable but that's not what the OP is suggesting.

Mumcentreplus · 18/08/2009 20:30

Well...if I'm honest I would be secretly smiling too..I don't think the OP wished her a terrible birth..but it happened and it may make the SS think before she speaks...but tbh I doubt it..not the nicest way to feel.. but human..she is living and well and her baby is too.. so nothing to worry about.

I had an experience with my sister whom I love dearly but she's a pia sometimes...

when i was pregnant I had hyperemesis gravidarum was extremely sick and ended up in hospital...she constantly asked why I looked pissed off all the time and why I was'nt happliy skipping around like she did during her 1st pregnancy ( she worked almost up to due date)...then when she became pregnant with DS1 she got sick..not as badly as me but she came to me and said I understand why you had a face like a slapped arse!..and i laughed and said imagine feeling like that for 9 mths..I gloated.. but openly

violethill · 18/08/2009 20:30

Agree thingiebob. She's not saying she wanted her SIL in to have a horrendous birth. She's just feeling a bit smug that having been such a nasty cow, the SIL has had a reality check.

We had a woman in my NCT class who banged on and on about natural birth, and how she'd have the baby at home in water etc - quelle surprise, she was the one who ended up going to hospital for pain relief by way of epidural! Those of us who who ended up with natural births were the ones who hadn't made hard and fast birth plans, and didn't assume that it would all be a picnic and actually expected it to damn well hurt lots!!

When you're pregnant first time round, it pays to keep quiet and not set yourself up for a fall. It's very undermining of other people to make assumptions about what you will or won't be able to cope with. I wouldn't wish a nasty birth on anyone, but being perfectly honest, I think if someone is as vile as this woman sounds, she's got it coming to her when it comes back to bite her!

TheBlessedBitOfFun · 18/08/2009 20:37

Bless you my child

pooexplosions · 18/08/2009 20:38

I was with you until you said NCT nazis, I'm so sick of that terminology against people.

scottishmummy · 18/08/2009 20:42

ability to raise above annoyances about someone's demeanour/behaviour is less toxic. sure she annoys the hell out of you,but to have a smug glow that something that mattered to her went awry is really holding onto to much bile

you need to be the better person.not hold onto a score card.ah she said/did X and Y so that means i can legitimately feel like this

you both sound horrid

you for holding onto a grudge
her for being opinionated

however,hopefully you can offer a gift and try be cordial and gracious

Ponders · 18/08/2009 20:44

Thank you, StBoF

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