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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

170 replies

wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 15:36

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

OP posts:
FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 19/08/2009 07:28

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broguemum · 19/08/2009 07:59

YABU.

And YABVVVU to use the term "NCT Nazis". Look up Goodwin's Law and learn a lesson.

OrmIrian · 19/08/2009 08:05

spider - I wondered if those 'quotes' were entirely verbatim too

piscesmoon · 19/08/2009 08:08

I think that most people would get a secret feeling of smugness when someone who tells everyone else how it should be done, and has it all planned, doesn't get their own way-you don't actually have to say so. I know a woman at the moment, who is hell to work for, she has no understanding of those with families. She is expecting her first baby at 42yrs and thinks it will slot neatly into the role she has aligned for it-I will get secret satisfaction when she discovers that the baby may well have other ideas! I get a lot of satisfaction from parents who have one saintly DC and are constantly polishing their halo because they are such wonderful parents.....they then get DC2 who won't conform. I think it is just human nature-I only feel that way if the parent is fairly overpowering with their views in the first place-and I don't say so. It doesn't hurt to think it!

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/08/2009 08:09

That's a bit unfair Spidermama - what evidence have you that the OP is lying - because that's what you've accused her of. And she has never said that she intends saying any of this to her stepsister, so I don't think she can be accused of pulling her down either.

I think she had a very human reaction to what happened, and now on the basis of that one thought and no action whatsoever, she is being portrayed as the devil incarnate. That's pulling someone down too - and on flimsier evidence, imo.

Lizzylou · 19/08/2009 08:15

Your Step-sister, whatever her faults was naive. She probably got through her pg thinking that the birth would be OK as she had read/listened and taken on board all advice and information on childbirth. Thats what I did, I was petrified of giving birth.

I think a lot of women think that their first birth is going to be all whale music and manageable pain, I did . My Mom told me contractions were just like bad period pains and as I have a high pain threshold I would be fine, I believed her . I didn't even stay for the bit on forceps/ventouses at the hospital with my parentcraft class, as you just had to keep active and eating, right?

A 48hour labour and a ventouse later, baby having to be resuscitated as had cord round his neck.....I was far more realistic about DS2's birth.

YABU, this is certainly an example of where a thought should remain a (fleeting)thought.

LoveBeingAMummy · 19/08/2009 08:18

She didn't wish this on her, it happened and tbh i'm not suprised she feels this way. The only reason the op is getting such a hard time is becuase itsd about a birth and other subject and it would be all on the ops side.

There is nothing wrong in feeling this way, as long as you don't enjoy it too much

Personally no digs is the way to go, and she will not have learnt her lesson this is juts how some people are, (can you tell me sil is??)

piscesmoon · 19/08/2009 08:18

I don't think that anyone is wishing a horrific birth-just that the sort of person who thinks they can control everything (and tells everyone so)finds that it isn't as easy as they thought.

SoupDragon · 19/08/2009 08:23

Yes, she sounds vile, but I hope you're comforted by the fact that you sound just as vile in this case.

SoupDragon · 19/08/2009 08:24

"The only reason the op is getting such a hard time is becuase itsd about a birth and other subject and it would be all on the ops side."

No. Relishing in someone's misery is always a foul and nasty thing to do.

SoupDragon · 19/08/2009 08:29

TH OP isn't secretly pleased, she's gloating on a public parenting forum. A forum which her step sister may well post on now that she's a mother. She is looking forward to their next meeting.

I also notice that she is delightful enough to refer to "NCT nazis" which is a disgusting thing to say.

piscesmoon · 19/08/2009 08:32

She isn't gloating in front of step sister-this thread will most likely have long gone before step sister sees it.

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 19/08/2009 08:42

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OracleInaCoracle · 19/08/2009 08:43

wow, when pg i raved on about how i would bf (sil was pg at same time and always planned on ff), i wittered on for hours about how natural childbirth was and how i would be fine. i fully expected a bath, whale music, a bit of a strain (i mean i was constipated so used to it) and would have a child joyfully clamped to my breast within minutes.

nothing was further from the truth. did i deserve that? should my sil who had to endure my sanctimonious ravings have felt smug?

no.

she did what any decent human being would do and came to see me every day while i was recovering (2 weeks in hospital then further visits as i was readmitted with post cs infections) she helped me with the bottles because in my preachy state i hadnt even researched formula let alone bought bottles, she was a sounding board when PND kicked in with a vengence and (literally one day) talked me down from the ledge.

she would have been justified in feeling a tiny bit smug, but she is a lovely woman, knew how traumatised i was by the whole thing and behaved like a decent human being.

so yes, op, i do think YABU

MorningTownRide · 19/08/2009 08:54

Not read all the posts.

Actually I don't think YABU.

When someone is vile to you and it's thrown back in their face it's hard not to feel 'pleased'.

I think you can be the better person when you see her next and sympathise. You do forget the pain of childbirth but you don't forget your reaction to it IYSWIM. I still remember BEGGING for drugs after realising that water offered no pain relief and being too late for a epidural.

Be kind.

piscesmoon · 19/08/2009 08:56

If she comes on she is going to look at current threads-she will be pretty paranoid if she is going to go back months looking for something negative about herself! The vast majority of mothers never go on mumsnet! I would say that the odds of her reading it are pretty low. OP may well have changed details-I always do, so that no one could identify me-or themselves.

tinymam · 19/08/2009 09:30

YANBU, its a natural human reaction. Its a thought not an action. I can't believe that so many people would not feel even slightly smug.

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 19/08/2009 10:05

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sandcastles · 19/08/2009 10:08

YABU! When a birth doesn't go the way you plan it, it can be devestating, (sp) I know,....I had one.

In a way you are saying that it is her fault it all went wrong & that you are pleased. I had a c section under GA & I was told it wasa my fault (by an elderly aunt, I had pre eclampsia) because I didn't eat properly! It isn't nice, at all!

Schulte · 19/08/2009 10:12

I can't believe how many of you seem to think you'd be able to raise above a bit of Schadenfreude. You must be very nice people. I was always rather smug about my first natural, pain relief free birth and when I had an emergency CS with my second, I bet some of my friends secretly smiled to themselves and thought, serves her right. And so what, I don't blame them at all!!!

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 19/08/2009 10:17

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sandcastles · 19/08/2009 10:23

"and I don't think it was that bad, her facebook status yesterday alludes to her wanting sex"

You call major abdominal surgery 'not that bad'?

FuriousofTunbridgeWells · 19/08/2009 10:28

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mumofdjandbabies · 19/08/2009 10:30

after my traumatic section my sister in law, who did not have kids at the time, wrote me a letter about how sections were not necessary if I had had more faith

that devastated me

she has some crazy ideas about disability etc that was till she had a mildly disabled son and hid his disability under a blanket

some people are just plain odd.

sandcastles · 19/08/2009 10:37

"Not every CS leaves someone scarred..."

well actually, being pedantic here, but every CS leaves a scar!