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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

170 replies

wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 15:36

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 18/08/2009 16:46

"these labour bores"

jesus, some people have no humanity at all.

You disgust me.

sherby · 18/08/2009 16:47

My very good friend had a panic attack and had to have a c-section. She screamed and screamed and screamed and NOBODY could calm her down.

In the end she got so distressed that they gave her a c-section under a general.

I'm not sure if YABU or YANBU but it can happen to people

dee0468 · 18/08/2009 16:47

I cannot believe the number of people who still think having a csection is a failure. I wanted a water birth with my dd but her heart rate dropped and before I knew it I was was rushed to theatre for an emergency/crash section. I was very upset at the time as I was asleep for the birth. However, I now have a 5 year old dd. Without a csection she would not be alive. My ds was also a csection birth after a trial of labour.

tethersend · 18/08/2009 16:50

Hahahaha, YANBU, at all. It's not so much taking joy in other peoples' pain, it's more..... oh no, hang on, it is. Still, I would feel exactly the same. Schadenfreude

sunfleurs · 18/08/2009 16:53

I had a panic attack during my c-section. I couldn't even look at ds because I was too busy concentrating on not losing the plot while they stitched me up. I even asked for a general anasthetic when I was having dd because I was scared of it happening again. It didn't luckily.

I don't understand this attitude of having a c-section being a failure. I carried my children and I gave birth via c-section to two healthy wonderful babies, doesn't matter in the least to me how I did it. I have never had a moments concern about it.

edam · 18/08/2009 16:55

Am sure OP didn't wish a traumatic birth on nasty step-sister - or not seriously, at any rate. But it'd be positively saintly not to think 'serves her right' when someone has been so effing smug and judgmental about other women and comes a cropper themselves. You would never say it out loud, of course, but thinking it is OK, IMO.

edam · 18/08/2009 16:55

(MN doesn't count as out loud, btw.)

GirlsAreLoud · 18/08/2009 16:57

Sunfleurs that sounds horrible for you.

I don't get the c-section as failure thing either. If I was able to choose I'm pretty sure I would have a c section over a natural birth next time.

twopeople · 18/08/2009 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GirlsAreLoud · 18/08/2009 16:59

I don't really see why you let her get to you so much anyway - you say you've only met your stepmother 20 times and that you only see this stepsister on the occasions that she's been at your father's house.

Why be friends with her on facebook? Why not just leave her (admittedly) unpleasant comments behind and try to forget about them, it's hardly like you see her often.

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/08/2009 17:03

Edam and tethersend are right, I think. I don't believe that wasabi wished a horrible birth on her stepsister - but after the things her stepsister has said, I think I'd have thought 'serves her right' too.

Kerala is right too - the best way to deal with such people is to listen politely to what they say, and laugh about it afterwards. What people like wasabi's stepsister fail to realise is how hurtful their comments can be - if someone had made the breastfeeding comment to me, it would only have reinforced how much of a failure I felt.

I don't see anything wrong with hoping that a dose of reality will help this woman to realise that she shouldn't be so judgemental of other people.

SpawnChorus · 18/08/2009 17:05

Well, I like to think I'd be like Greensleeves et al, but I'm afraid I just wouldn't be able to help having a secret snurk.

Greeny - you must have come across a labour bore before...you know, the sort of person who thinks they are the only person to have experienced pain/problems during labour?

Greensleeves · 18/08/2009 17:14

I think I probably AM a "labour bore"

what with the 6 months in a wheelchair, and the 6 weeks in hospital, and the injecting insulin, and the severe pre-eclampsia, then the 24 hour labour stuck on my back on a bed with severe SPD hooked up to drip/monitors, then the foetal distress, grey floppy baby with Apgar score of 1, third degree tear, post-partum haemorrhage and transfusion, having to have placenta removed manually in theatre while not knowing whether ds1 was alive or not

boring enough for you?

I am really angry about the attitudes on this thread. This poor woman has had the shock of her life. Her planned birth went out of the window, she had a panic attack after 8 hours of painful labour and had to have a CS

HOW is that funny?

ErikaMaye · 18/08/2009 17:15

Can I briefly hijack and just ask - if you DO have to have an emergancy CS (first-timer here) do you have to have it under aneasthetic? I can't have it because they're not sure how my body would react due to my illness, and just seen that some of you have said this is what happened, am now concerned! Sorry.

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/08/2009 17:19

But had you spent your time before the pregnancy telling everyone how much better a pregnancy and labour you were going to have, as if it were simply a matter of applying yourself? I honestly doubt it, Greensleeves.

This woman has spent her time using her pregnancy to tell wasabi what a crap mother wasabi is, and how she (the stepsister) is going to do it all sooo much better.

You must appreciate how galling, infuriating and upsetting that was for wasabi, and how human nature being what it is, she can't help feeling a little schadenfreude that her stepsister might have had to lower her expectations a little.

Greensleeves · 18/08/2009 17:21

What if I had? Would it have served me right then?

I give up.

dee0468 · 18/08/2009 17:22

Its depends on the urgency. My dd section was done under a general as she was in distress. However my ds was a spinal as he was fine. My labour just wasn't progessing. If you believe the NCT most csections are done using epidurals or spinals.

Don't apologise and sorry if we scared you.

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/08/2009 17:22

Erika - if I understand things correctly, a GA is given if the C-section has to be done in a big hurry, and there isn't time to site an epidural and wait for it to take effect. I suggest that you have a chat with your midwife and express your concerns - you could ask to talk to an anaesthetist - in your circumstances that would seem perfectly reasonable - and they will be able to give you a more definite answer.

You could have an epidural during labour, and then it could be topped up if you needed a c-section, if I recall correctly (do check this with your midwife/doctor though).

Good luck!

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/08/2009 17:26

No - I'm not saying it would have served you right, Greensleeves - and I am honestly sorry if I made you feel that way.

I think I was trying to put myself in wasabi's shoes, and explain why I responded the way I did.

However, you are right too, and it isn't kind to react this way. I can see both sides, but I do sympathise with wasabi for having such a moo as her stepsister, and I can understand why she feels the way she does - right or wrong, it is a very human reaction.

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/08/2009 17:27

And I was also trying to explain why I didn't think you were a labour bore, Greensleeves - but very badly. Again, sorry.

ErikaMaye · 18/08/2009 17:29

Thanks, both. Will mention it to MW when she next comes over.

Greensleeves · 18/08/2009 17:29

I understand her feelings too

I have a psychotic bullying bitch of a sister who made my life hell for years

I haven't seen her for ten years and long may it continue

but I wouldn't be pleased, secretly or otherwise, if I heard that she had been through the horror I experienced - in fact it might be one of the few things that would prompt me to try making contact again

I just think things as horrendous and serious as bad childbirth should be above the schoolyard politics we're all guilty of in our day-to-day relationships. This thread is going too far IMO.

SpawnChorus · 18/08/2009 17:31

Greensleeves - No no no you had a truly horrific and unusual labour. The labour bores are generally the people who are competitive and boring in every other area of their life. Their labours are in fact usually fairly routine, but because they are such "exceptional" people they feel the need to extract themselves from the levelling nature of labour.

e.g. instead of saying "Oooh labour hurt so much more than I imagined and all my whale music and hypnobirthing techniques went out of the window and I ended up demanding an epidural", they might say "the midwives insisted that I had an epidural as I have the fanny of a sixteen year old virgin and there was simply no way that any human being could endure the pain that was in store. And I was awarded the hospital cup for elegant labouring". Or somesuch.

I've read your labour story before Greensleeves and it is truly dreadful...but far from boring!

SmallScrewCap · 18/08/2009 17:33

This all just confirms in my mind that there is only one thing you should ever say to a new mother, whatever the circumstances or result:

"WELL DONE!"

Goblinchild · 18/08/2009 17:44

It's unfortunate that there wasn't a previous opportunity for wasabipeas to see her step sister come unstuck, a less traumatic and emotive one.
Like the time my over-confident and cocky little brother, who learned to drive before I did and spent hours lecturing me on the superior co-ordination and brains of men...
drove his sporty little ride into a harbour by mistake. Brake sooner boy.

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