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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly pleased that my vile step-sister didn't have the birth of her dreams

170 replies

wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 15:36

Before you shoot me down in flames, a bit of background...
Long after I left home, my dad got together with a slightly odd woman. I've probably only met her 20 times in my life and she has made it very clear from the outset that in marrying my dad, she was not taking on any extra family. Her daughters are also sligtly odd, and I think quite resentful towards me and my brothers, but step mother has done nothing to try and stop this or integrate the families

Her oldest daughter quite strange. If you've done something, she has done it better, before you and 10 times better. The most stupid things - we went on holiday and got upgraded to a deluxe room, oh, she got upgraded to the penthouse suite. We bought a new car with a 1.6 engine, oh she is just about to buy the same one, but with the 2.0
The list goes on and on...

I've mostly been able to ignore it, but she got pregnant last year and on the few occasions when I've been to see the folks and she's been there, there has been one snide dig after another.
Step mother has cats, DD (and I) are allergice, so she gets a bit snuffley.
So she pats her bump and says to her unborn child "you won't have allergies, because I'm going to breastfeed you for the proper amount of time" (I stopped at 6 months so I could go back to work)
And later on "you'll have a proper birth because I'm not too posh to push" (I had c-section). And "it is such a shame that old people can't get proper care in their old age because hospitals are clogged up with selfish women who can't even be bothered to trust their bodies and demand the easy option".

Anyway, to get to the point, she was planning a home birth. After 4 hours with the midwife at home, she decided she couldn't cope with the pain and had to go to hospital.
Another 4 hours, and she had a full-on panic attack and had to have a c-section after the nurses couldn't calm her down.

I know I really shouldn't but I can't help but feeling a little bit smug that the stupid cow must now realise that life doesn't always go your own way and she might have to eat humble pie when she next sees us
AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 18/08/2009 20:46

Haven't read thread, but in reply to OP: probably not the most charitable attitude, but I do relate.

I know a woman who was just so unbearably smug and unpleasant towards me after her 'perfect' drug-free 3 hour-from-first-contraction-to-baby-out first birth (which felt a bit like 'period pains', apparently...) and said some dreadful things to me about my 4 day, failed induction-ending-in-emergency-section first birth. Was also very disparaging about me having a repeat section (illness meant my planned VBAC went tits up) with my 2nd baby.

Had a tiny moment of jubilation on our first meeting at baby group after our second births. Me - feeling great after my fairly piss-easy elective, her like a sack of cold shit after a full on ventouse-huge episiotomy-horrible hospital experience. Not my finest moment, I admit.

We ended up bonding over the shit bits of birth over enormous amounts of cake, though, so every cloud has a silver lining

Meglet · 18/08/2009 20:46

wasabi hide her fb status updates on your news feed. If not you will be driven mad by them.

But in RL rise above it .

loobylu3 · 18/08/2009 20:54

The OP has that she now feels a little smug that she didn't have 'the birth of her dreams'- (which was arguably a little unrealistic for a first labour).
She wasn't wishing a dreadful birth on her which would have been different and not nice at all.
The sis in law sounds like she was being a complete bitch to the OP making a series of remarks to deliberately upset her. It is hardly surprising that she feels a little smug given these remarks.
Also, remember, she is not an acquaintance or colleague but part of her family and relationships within families can be pretty complex!

Silver1 · 18/08/2009 21:06

Ah go on be the bigger person-send her a card and tell her how sorry you are that her plans fell apart because she panicked! Offer sympathy as she recovers from the pain of a C-Section

I am being slightly sarky but let's be honest people she wont come down a peg or two so why can't wasabipeas revell in it?

scottishmummy · 18/08/2009 21:14

thing about revelling in someone else misfortune it become toxic.immersed in someone else emotional gloop.not a good place to be

life throws enough of our own challenges without revelling in someone else

themachinist · 18/08/2009 21:20

The Germans have a word for it, and we should too.

Totally understandable, had a similar smug experience recently; someone who said women who had sections had normally 'let themselves go' in pregnancy, hence birth problems. Laughed long and hard after they had a section a few weeks later.

As long as mum and baby are fine now, then for God sakes, you are only human. And she sounds like a total nightmare.

No judging you here!

Cackles in evil manner...

(Oh obviously, you do this smugness stuff all internally in RL)

Mumcentreplus · 18/08/2009 21:24

I don't beileve the OP is revelling...just quietly smiling and thinking ..shit happens

themachinist · 18/08/2009 21:25

RE previous post.

I had a section after a traumatic labour, which was why I though it was a tight comment to make and felt justified in my schadenfreude. Anyway, she wont say it again.

Scottishmummy - Toxic my ass. Give OP a break.

scottishmummy · 18/08/2009 21:37

what break shall i give op?break to crow and feel smug?well i call that toxic because it is.holding onto sil said/sil did is immature and toxic.and says as much about wasabipeas as it does her SIL

it says to me they are both at fault
both immature
both stuck on she said/i said

time to grow up ladies- both of you

DreamsInBinary · 18/08/2009 21:50

Good god, "She had it coming to her"??

She may be unpleasant, but to feel smug that she has had a traumatic labour makes you sound no better.

Do you remember just how crazed and emotional you felt after your first baby? I do, and I had a reasonable birth. She may be wracked with guilt, or deeply depressed that her plans went awry. And you plan on going in to visit with a smug smile. Nice.

As for those who have suggested getting a sly dig in; vile.

OrmIrian · 18/08/2009 21:55

Are you also hoping that her plans to bf for 6m + also go awry?

blueshoes · 18/08/2009 21:55

wasabipeas, offer her your tips for cs recovery and be nice as pie about it .

wahwah · 18/08/2009 22:13

Gawd there's some saintly types on here. Of course yanbu feeling a bit smug, but now is the time to follow up with an attack of kindness and solidarity. Alternatively just have nothing to do with her and live a happier life.

piscesmoon · 18/08/2009 22:24

I don't think that YABU. No one would wish a horrific birth on anyone, but I think that you are only human to get some satisfaction from the fact that babies don't come to order. I would also get satisfaction when she finds that bringing up a baby isn't the doddle she thinks!,

boogiewoogie · 18/08/2009 22:26

Agree with Dreams.

You may think that she had her just deserts and whilst it's understandable how you feel, I think that you should be nice to her or at least feel compassion towards her at this point as she is obviously in a precarious position.

Another thing, if you are secretly pleased then keep it secret. Far too many posters start threads in AIBU with "to be secretly pleased...." then protest when they get shot down! Sorry, rant over!

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/08/2009 22:26

Saintly, wahwah, or just holier-than-thou? I'll stick with the flawed humans, there's nothing wrong with inwardly smiling at a pompous ass getting a reality check.

kitesarefun · 18/08/2009 22:27

YANBU. Just human.

It's what you DO, not what you secretly think that matters.

DreamsInBinary · 18/08/2009 22:40

Hardly holier-than-thou.

This woman had a horrible, traumatic birth and there are women on here rubbing their hands and gloating because 'she had it coming to her'.

serendippity · 18/08/2009 22:47

Sorry I'm with Op. Her sil sounds vindictive and smug herself. Why is okay for her to make total unveiled digs at op but not for op to feel slightly smug that things didn't go to plan?
I agree panic attacks are horrendous, I'm not saying op should walk in there and point and go "nah na na na nah, you failed" becasue that would be uncalled for, but her personal feelings, and what she says here, are completly understandable.
What's more I have felt smug myslef when people have implied I was a complete failure for not breastfeeding and doing "the most natural thing in the world" before they had actualy tried it themselves and realized the torture and hell it can be. Not wishing a horrible bf expiriance on anyone, bf is obviously the best thing and can be the most increadible expiereance. BUT when I'm sitting there with blood dripping from both nipples, mastitis and a septic breast ulcer what DOES NOT help is 3 freinds and 2 family members who have not even had children going "i don't understand why it is hard for you"
"It's the best thing for the baby"
"you absolutly MUST persevere"
"when my baby is born there is no way I would consider formula"
Said freinds went ahead and had babies, both found the pain excriciating.
I did not point and laugh, I was sympatheitc when they felt absoutly shattered, as I did, and I genuinly felt bad for them. But did I secretly feel a teeny bit pleased they realized how totaly hypocritical and cruel it is to critize something you have no experiance of, the find out how hard it is? Hell yes.
Op is totaly not BU to have theese feeling, however it is always hard when something this huge goes horribly wrong and pointing it out to sil would be too much and not something she should do.

Silver1 · 18/08/2009 22:59

I have terrible allergies go to hospital often enough terrible and I was breast fed for 18 months and we had pets! Would love to see what the wicked Stepsister would have said to my mum.

Mumcentreplus · 18/08/2009 23:06

This woman had a horrible, traumatic birth and there are women on here rubbing their hands and gloating because 'she had it coming to her'.

No Dreams...I just feel that it's human ...the woman was openly gloating at OP without even experiencing having a child..judging her...sorry all you 'saints' but i would not feel bad for smirking...maybe I'm just a bitch

OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 18/08/2009 23:07

I haven't read this whole thread because TBH after reading the OP i am completely

YABU now grow up

wotzy · 18/08/2009 23:22

Life is too short to hold a grudge like this against someone for so long. Don't you think you should just stop this and get on with your own life. Stop looking at her FB status and do something more interesting.

Spidermama · 18/08/2009 23:28

Another example of women being their own worst enemies.

Very sad and disappointing.

OP all you reveal here is your own bitterness.

Spidermama · 18/08/2009 23:31

Also I can't help suspecting that you've taken some poetic licence and paraphrased your 'quotes' from your step sister overlaying them with your own paranoic take on how you assume she's judging you.

I think it would be a good idea for you to get on with your own life and stop trying to pull others down to make yourself feel better. After all, isn't this exactly what you're accusing her of doing?