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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be BF my 4-year-old?

407 replies

NaturalMama · 11/08/2009 00:01

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

OP posts:
fishie · 12/08/2009 08:33

piscesmoon.

breastfeeding a small child is not infantilising them.

nothing sinister or weird is going on.

what IS your problem?

pagwatch · 12/08/2009 08:36

Actually
I am sorry I posted that but I was angry - I shouldn't have hit 'post'

I just have to put up with biggoted shit about my son all the time and to have someone imply that I am restricting my DDs development made me very . I think if there is one person in the world who understands about childs development and wants her child to progress it is me - which is why the suggestions that I would hold her back are so uninformed and so nonsensical.

You keep saying that breast feeding is about babying a child when it isn't. I have done it and it hasn't babyed my DD. Others have said the same. I don't understand why you believe that your noin experience in this area is more significant than those who have done or are doing it.

FWIW pisces when I am out and about with my DS2 I get people tuttuing and commenting so whilst you say

"I think that although we are the minority on this thread ttalloo, we are the vast majority elsewhere-or OP wouldn't have posed the question."

the same could be applied to that. If that means that whilst people on here feel that a child with SN shouldn't have retard shouted at him does the factthat some do mean that it is actually the majority view and i should not challenge that - presumeably because they are just saying what they think? Should people exhibiting disapproval in public mean that it is the majority view and thatthey must be right?

piscesmoon · 12/08/2009 08:36

I don't have a problem. In RL I keep quiet, and in actual fact it isn't something I even think about. I must remind myself never to post about bf again-not worth the hassle!

piscesmoon · 12/08/2009 08:39

Sorry pagwatch, I truly didn't mean to be upsetting. (I never tut in RL)

poopscoop · 12/08/2009 08:43

survey going on in chat at the moment which i started to see what the bigger picture was like.

out of 156 children only 1 fed over the age of 4.

8 children between 3 and 4 (although a couple still feeding now)

It is ongoing so those facts may well change but interesting all the same.

pagwatch · 12/08/2009 08:44

pisces
I am actually going out now.

Don't worry about it. I am annoyed but not upset with you IYSWIM

I just don't understand your POV and I can't see why anyone would make sweeping assumptions about me and my DD just because I bfed her late. She's a nice kid. I am a good mum. I made the best decision for her - like you did with your DCs. Thats all.

Its nothing personal - just a debate

But I have to go out now and buy things

bye

pagwatch · 12/08/2009 08:46

at poop
Well I bfed until 4 but, after the stuff I have been accused of on here , if you think I am going to post on another thread you are crazy....

and takes her repressed DCs to the shops

dorisbonkers · 12/08/2009 08:47

I don't buy the teasing argument.

Sure, they may tease about that, but it may just as well be about another issue.

If he is confident and getting reassurance from you and outgoing he can weather it.

I don't think going through life NOT doing things because a child may get teased is a good way to live. Teaches him that others' opinions override his/your own wishes.

I might, for my own sanity deflect any questions/lie/do it in private.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

poopscoop · 12/08/2009 08:49

Pag but you would be needed over there because it changes the over 4's

ItsGrimUpNorth · 12/08/2009 08:49

I've never understood the "the majority of people think this way, so I must too and act accordingly" mentality. That is well scary.

If you only think and do as the majority then why bother becoming a parent? Hand over all your parenting decisions to everyone else why don't you?

Breast milk is the best possible drink for babies and children.

I think it should be available in the shops personally as a tonic for everyone who's feeling a bit run down.

piscesmoon · 12/08/2009 08:50

I honestly think I should keep off these things in future! I think we should all do what we want without others being judgemental (or if they are they should keep them to themselves!). I'm sure you have a lovely family pagwatch, as do others who late BF-I wouldn't want to suggest otherwise.
My DSs are lovely too!!!

pseudoname · 12/08/2009 08:53

cancantcan: can I ask which organisation conducted your bf training? what did the training entail? have you actually breastfed?

fishie · 12/08/2009 09:03

yes quite pag re that other thread. i expect there are big flashing lights and alarm bells going off on certain posters' computers if anyone has bf past 13m.

WoTmania · 12/08/2009 09:27

2 of the most normal, sensible, mature teens I know were BF til 5 and 4.
Obviously good parenting is the main reason but natural term nursing hasn't harmed them.
I am still nursing DS2 (in tandem with DD 5mnths) at 2.2 as he doesn't want to give up andneeds it emotinally. I think, even at 4, that it would do more harm to force him to wean than to let him carry on.
So YANBU OP

Babieseverywhere · 12/08/2009 09:41

cancantcan, If you are genuine in your desire to help breastfeeding mothers, please go to your peer support supervisor and tell them that you need help to overcome your judgemental feelings towards mothers nursing older babies/children and take the help they offer.

It is important as every mother attending the groups you volunteer at deserves your help, not just the mothers of babies. (NB.my assumption that like most peer supports you will be attending groups)

I really hope you seek further training, else you could potential upset a number of mothers in the future.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 09:43

The babying argument is nonsense.

My 3.10yo zooms around on his bike, plays with the bigger boys next door. Runs into nursery without batting an eye about saying goodbye. Has very strong relationships with other family members. Eats a healthy varied diet (which includes breastmilk). etc etc

In other words, is perfectly NORMAL for his age.

Some of you guys must think that we sit about all day doing nothing but breastfeeding our 4yo "babies".

You don't have a bloody clue.

sleeplessinstretford · 12/08/2009 09:47

she isn't asking that WoTmania-she's saying she's quite reserved and is struggling now with comments from friends and family,that ds is quite quiet and shy and she's not sure it'll help him when he goes to school.
So while we're all delighted that people want to breastfeed to the age of 4 and onwards-we're letting her make a decision based on her thoughts and comments by saying what we,as a sample of the general public,who will be of the non EBF community think.We are entitled to say that,from experience,anything that marks a child out as 'different' causes problems (although I accept that this is giving in and doesn't add to lifes rich tapestry etc etc) and maybe trying to let her feel it's ok to stop-which,given she's struggling now with opinions of loved ones,might be best for her and surely prior to going to school is an ideal time? you know,the whole 'you are a big nursery boy now and so minty is gone and is only for your sister'Your post isn't helping telling her she'll harm him by forcing him to wean is not enormously helpful IMHO.

cancantcan · 12/08/2009 10:57

Babieseverywhere - I'm not sure if you understood fully what I said in my post.
What I actually said is that I dont think that its wrong to BF a 4 year old, but thanks to sensationalist television, and also the legacy of 2 generations of majority bottle feeders, that BF a 4 year old is not seen to be socially acceptable. I did research on this when at uni studying BF and lactation, and its an unfortunate fact that for most of the population, even a 2 yo is seen to be a bit old for BF.

I dont have any judgemental attitudes towards extended BF, I think its just fine as long as child and mum are happy, but clearly the OP isnt 100% sure at the moment, or she wouldnt have posted on here.
Funnily enough, I dont have any judgemental attitudes towards bottle feeding either - Its not my job to judge. I just support women in whatever their choice may be, breast, formula, or anywhere in between.
My sippy cup suggestion was just that, a suggestion which many women use when weaning an older child off the breast, its a halfway house which still gives most of the benefits of extended BF, but cuts out the part which is unfortunately seen to be socially unacceptable.

pseudoname · 12/08/2009 10:59

asking again:
cancantcan: can I ask which organisation conducted your bf training? what did the training entail? have you actually breastfed?

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 11:20

Sorry but I just think it is odd, and I really think you are now allowing your children to move on. Let's face it if you are BF a child who is about to start school you are not going to have the choice anymore and boy is it going to be a shock to them when they have to go without all day. Talk about going cold turkey! Making a rod for your own back is what I think. It is like letting a child use a dummy until they start school, you are really going to regret having to force that child to go without it.

I expect I will get jumped on now, but I am entitled to an opinion too.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 11:21

that should be not allowing your children to move on

heading4home · 12/08/2009 11:30

I haven't read the rest of the thread to be honest, as I am quite sure it kicked off. I just wanted to say to the original poster:

I breastfed my dd until she was 5, ie until a couple of months ago. We both loved it, and I wanted to carry on for as long as we were both happy.

She just started Kindergarten (the equivalent of starting school here in Switzerland)and I began to talk to her a while back about how "Kindergarten children don't have booby anymore". She understood and chose to stop from one day to the next saying that "now she is a Kindergarten child, she doesn't have booby but we can still cuddle a lot."

Maybe the starting at school thing would work for your ds too if you feel you want to wean. But don't feel pressured, if you are not ready, this is about you and your ds. ^

By the way, I have been working fulltime for a few years now, so it's not that I was at home with her all this time, it was purely a morning and evening close time for us. But we still have that, just without my boob in her mouth!

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 11:30

Walkingwiththighosaurs - another case of misunderstanding about nursing older children.

They are not stupid.

They know that they can't have breastmilk when their mother isn't there and most children have already experienced being away through the day at this age, probably from being at nursery.

I know that my son doesn't sit in the corner at nursery sobbing because he can't have milk. Heck, he doesn't even ask for it as soon as I arrive.

How often do you really think that most 3 or 4yo nurslings ask for milk in the course of 24 hours?

cancantcan · 12/08/2009 11:32

Pseudoname I have BF both of my own children, I did my peer support training with my local PCT, then I did my UNICEF BFI training, and finally I attended a local university to study the subject.

heading4home · 12/08/2009 11:32

Forgot to say: I kept it very quiet from the age of about 3 onwards that I was still bfing. The only people who knew were my husband and my gynae (who, incidently, didn't bat an eyelid). So if people bug you, just agree and nod and carry on with whatever you choose to do.