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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DH to get up in the night even though I am BF?

123 replies

lizmcfizz · 10/08/2009 16:41

I'm up 2 or 3 times in the night feeding my 18 week old. DH does not get up at all, even when baby isn't settling. I was up for the third time last night when I saw him put his headphones on and turn over to go to sleep. Not even a 'you ok love?' I feel pissed off or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tamarto · 10/08/2009 16:43

YABU to expect him to get up, if you think he should just because you are.

It wasn't very nice of him not to have asked if you were ok though.

puffylovett · 10/08/2009 16:45

I think YABU to expect him to get up, but NOT BU to expect and 'are you doing OK, can I get you or the baby anything'. It's nice to have the support IMO

Scorps · 10/08/2009 16:48

he could ask if he could help after a while, or if you needed some water or something.

Original poster
lizmcfizz · 10/08/2009 16:48

a cup of tea would be good

OP posts:
mears · 10/08/2009 16:51

My DH used to get up and take the baby to settle if need be. It isn't all about feeding. I think YANBU

stonethecrows · 10/08/2009 16:51

Do you mean to help you settle baby as opposed to just watching you feed baby. If so YANBU. My hubby used to actually bring baby to me in early days, so I could BF, although he would go back to sleep whilst I was actually BF. Thought that was a fair division of labour

hollytom · 10/08/2009 16:51

I know how u feel my dh never got up but to be honest wasn't much he could do if I was bf. I found he was so grumpy it wasn't worth it. However he was quite good at taking baby out in day/evening when not settling. Could he do this instead?

sleeplessinstretford · 10/08/2009 16:52

yes,what you need to do is deprive him of his sleep too...
it's shit but i assume you are on mat leave and he's at work?
i wouldn't expect him to do that,if you are breastfeeding then it's your job to get up in the night and feed if it bothers you that much stick the baby in with you.
I assume he's helpful in other ways?

Morloth · 10/08/2009 16:53

DH used to get up, change bum (baby's not DH's) then bring baby to me in bed to feed. Max sleep for all.

Only happened once a night though cause I was too feckin' lazy to put baby back in cot, so he would sleep in bed with us, which is perfect for the next feed. Also mastering going to sleep during a breastfeed is a skill I was very very very happy to have managed!

If he hasn't offered you need to let him know you need the help.

Ceolas · 10/08/2009 16:53

There's no point in him getting up really. But I would expect him to offer a few words if he is awake enough to turn his music on.

I wouldn't expect a cup of tea either.

Ceolas · 10/08/2009 16:55

Oh yes, if baby is very unsettled and not requiring feeding he should have a turn now and again.

LoveBeingAMummy · 10/08/2009 16:57

I didn't expect DH to get up with me when I was BF, although agree t visabliy turn over without asking if you are ok is a bit off. Hope he helps during the day/evening

sleeplessinstretford · 10/08/2009 16:57

name a time that a breastfed baby is up in the night for any other reason than food? (i've had 2 and neither of them slept properly or refused food-EVER!)

traceybath · 10/08/2009 16:59

To echo Morloth - i feed laying down and baby next to me in bedside cot so sleep for all maximised. Could you do that?

DH doesn't get up in the night but does get up and do breakfast for two eldest whilst i stay in bed for an extra hour.

Original poster
lizmcfizz · 10/08/2009 16:59

Suppose I am being unreasonable then as when baby is very unsettled (rare) he will help and he did help a lot in the early days with winding etc. This is the downside with breastfeeding I suppose in that you have to do all the feeding (stating the obvious). A good night's sleep is probably the solution to all of this!

OP posts:
raindroprhyme · 10/08/2009 17:05

i never expected DH to get up as he had to work teh next morning and he couldn't feed bubba so what was teh point.
However he would get up an hour earlier in the morning to get ready for work so by teh time baby had had morning feed and DS1 was getting up he took baby and did morning routine with DS1 and i got an extra hour in bed all to myself. It kept me sane.

lynniep · 10/08/2009 17:08

to be honest it depends on the situation as others said. My DH never got up (either during the night or in the morning) with DS for TWO years. DS didnt sleep through till he was gone two. But DH had a long commute and has always needed more sleep than me anyway (he naps in the day at the weekend when DS does!)

Now he works really close to home and I expect him to take it in turns with me to get up in the morning with DS (early riser) so that I can have a lie in, especially as I'm pg and knackered all the time anyway. He doesnt complain - he just goes to bed earlier! In fact he was the one who volunteered to start doing it, admittedly only after we found out I was pg, but wow I was amazed!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 10/08/2009 17:09

My DH slept in the spare room the entire time DD was waking in the night (yet still moaned to me me he was tired . I used to get very resentful and in the end I worked out it wasnt that he was getting a full nights sleep (ok a bit! but that he wasnt making up for it in any way. I was happy to do the night shift as was breastfeeding but felt he should then do something extra in return for example. Thats what made me mad. I also dont think he appreciated how tired I was or just how lucky he was (seriously - has never been woken once by either DC ever!)

Do you think the anger comes from something else as such?

Strangely when I went back to work and she was still waking up I still had to get up with her because he had to go to work in the morning

MovingOutOfBlighty · 10/08/2009 17:19

Sorry - but if you are not working the next day YABU. During the time I was exclusively breast feeding I didn't see the point of waking DH and having him crabby the next day as well. What I wanted was for him to have a good night sleep so he could be of some help at the weekeds or in the evenings and happy to do it.
What is the point of both of you being sleep deprived when only one of you can do something about it.
If the baby was taking a bottle, totally different story.Could you express a bottle perhaps so sometimes he can do his bit?
And agree with the lie in thing. He owes you that!

PrincessToadstool · 10/08/2009 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessToadstool · 10/08/2009 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpawnChorus · 10/08/2009 18:02

I'm a bit about the posters who have absolved OP's DH on the basis that he has work the next day. What about women who have more than one child. It's bloody hard work if you're looking after a toddler/pre-schooler after a night of interrupted sleep.

I do think it would be fair if he could at least bring the baby to you or offer a word or two of support.

Tamarto · 10/08/2009 18:05

Why would him bringhing her the baby and losing out on sleep help matters? Surely one person getting decent sleep is better than none? As long as they pull their weight in other ways it makes sense.

Pollyanna · 10/08/2009 18:08

my dh used to get up for the last wake up (say at 5am) and take the baby downstairs to distract him. ime at 18weeks, particularly if the baby has already been up twice in the night, the baby doesn't necessarily need milk again.

also often the baby can be rocked to sleep instead of being fed which would give you a rest.

JoesMummy09 · 10/08/2009 18:14

I can recommend co-sleeping. With the baby that is. I'd kick DH out of bed if he pulled that head-phone crap or just rolled over.

He also always thanks me if I've been awake all night with the baby. And thoughtfully turns a blind-eye to the tip we live in until the weekend when he can help me clean and tidy because I am too busy mumsnetting shattered from lack of sleep.