to expect my DH to get up in the night even though I am BF?

[lizmcfizz]

I'm up 2 or 3 times in the night feeding my 18 week old. DH does not get up at all, even when baby isn't settling. I was up for the third time last night when I saw him put his headphones on and turn over to go to sleep. Not even a 'you ok love?' I feel pissed off or am I being unreasonable?

No men can't breastfeed. But they can be supportive, display empathy and offer help (be it getting mum a drink, doing nappy changes or giving a bottle if baby will take one).

For me, bf was a spectator sport, esp with dd1

I was depressed, badly, and dh had to sit with me as I bf dd1 to make sure I didn't fall asleep adn drop her (was on sedating drugs).

Then had to go to work all day (as a doc - GP) and deal with whatever walked into the surgery, despite having been up with me.

Men can do it, just as women can, if they have to. We co-slept with our kids, and due to my ads they all slept with dh who handed them to me, waited with me as they fed then took them back to his side of the bed so they were safe, due to my meds.

He has a great bond with his 9, 7 and 5 year olds now. A lot of that is his fabby daddying skills, but some of it is the fact he spent so much time with them when I was not 100% safe.

I don't think BF should be a get out clause for dads. It was always our plan for me to express for at least one feed so DH could do it - as it was I ended up having to formula feed and from the start DH and I split the night feeds - if I had had to deal with every night feed for several weeks/months I would probably be suicidal by now. I just don't know how women do it and still manage to function all day. Yes, men generally have to go to work but we have to look after a baby all day and there's no lunch break or 1/2 hour staring out of a bus window on the commute for us!

Thanks for all the replies. He is generally supportive and does look after the kids when I need a lie in etc. but not when he is working the next day unless I really need him. Communication can be crap between us and nees work and I think perhaps I am so sleep deprived that I am not really seeing the positives. It's interesting to know what others think about it though, cheers x

I don't see how two people being sleep deprived helps! At least at home you can go back to bed in the daytime-not an option when you are working.

Seeing as the OP has been doing all night feeds and waking for the last 4 and a half months, I don't think a night or two of broken sleep on the part of her DH is going to damage him irreparably.

Needing sleep for his job does not mean he has carte blanche to be unsupportive and unhelpful.

If you are off work on maternity leave and he is working a full day it makes no sense for him to be sleep deprived as well. If he is in a job that requires driving it could even be dangerous for him.

Solution is for you to get up in the night and he does thngs like house work and cooking generally help out with the baby during the day so you aget some tme to rest too.

I used to get up in the night when I was not working and especially later when DW stopped BF and went to FF I used to do night feeds too. It is a question of what is practical and every situation is different.

izmcfizz are you on mat. leave? Do you have other children? Can't you catch up on your sleep or rest during the day?

As has been said by others, there's no point in you both being sleep deprived and if your dh has to go out to work then better he gets a night's sleep.

I presume you weren't serious in saying that he could get up to make you a cup of tea.

Also maybe have a lie-in at the weekend?

pfft-if the baby will only settle by being fed,please tell me why it's unspportive of him to leave that job to the only person who can actually do it?
I fed both mine myself and could never express it was and my job to feed,i wouldn't expect dp to do the nightshift anymore than he'd have expected me to go back to work and start earning some cash-when you are on mat leave and you have a baby then of course your partner should help you out when he can-but if feeding is what's needed then i don't see the benefit to you both being awake.
My dp did the bath and all the bed preparation leaving me to do the feeding,then i'd go to bed and he'd do 'the early shift' (til say 1am when he'd staved her off as long as possible)whereupon he'd come to bed,attach her to me and from then on it was my job.
Now we take it in turns to deal with her in the night and to get up with her in the morning.

I can't even see the point of dh getting up to get the baby to bring to you. That means you are both awake - why do that?

me either, it seems a bit spiteful almost 'well if i am up i am FUCKED if you're lying there resting...' as i said earlier,there are bits of parenting that can't be shared,breastfeeding and labour are sort of exclusive mummy jobs-and regardless of how many parentcraft classes the dad attends he is still going to be unable to do either of those,he can support in other ways though and still be an active parent.

The only reason I can see is a vindictive one as in 'poor me-you should know what it feels like with no sleep'! If you are on maternity leave you can move around in a zombie like state and sleep when the baby sleeps-not an option if you are at work, and dangerous if you are driving.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do the occasional nappy change or settle baby back to sleep, although it makes sense for you to do most of the night shift. I did everything when I was BF to the extent that even at 18 months my ds does not settle well for dh, so be careful of that.
Actually, it used to really annoy me when I was struggling to settle ds during the night and dh would ask if I was ok. I thought it was pretty bloody obvious that i wasn't and that he was just hoping I would say I was fine and he could go back to sleep with a clear conscience!
As for working the next day, while it's obviously not ideal for him to be up half the night, being distrubed occasionally won't hurt. I went back to work full time when ds was 7 mo, he very rarely sleeps through the night and I cope just fine.
Whatever arrangement you come to with your dh I really hope you start to get more sleep soon!

right, so if the only thing that will settle the child is a breastfeed will someone please explain to me how dad can do the odd nightshift with baby??? am i missing something (and more importantly is my dp missing some equipment that would have made my life easier???)

DH used to get up and fetch ds, hand him to me to bf and then go off and make me a hot drink. We split the nappy changes. DH is still far better than me at being awake at night, and as ds got older was also far better at settling him without a feed.

However, he used to catch up at weekends, whereas I didn't get a weekend lie in until ds was about 6!

I encouraged DH to sleep in the spare room so that I could feed DD2 in the night and he could sleep. However I did expect him to be grateful about it in the day and to let me have naps and lie-ins at the weekend (which he did).

When DD2 was going through a lovely screaming-at-3am-and-refusing-to-feed stage, then DH took over some of the holding and rocking.

I agree that it's important for the wage-earner to have as much sleep as possible so that they don't mess up in work and risk losing their job (especially in this economic climate), but I also think that doesn't mean that they get a free rein to all the sleep! I was looking after a newborn and a toddler and often driving the two of them around. There is no way that DH would have employed a nanny who was as sleep deprived as me to look after his precious children. So it was his duty to make sure that I had as much sleep as possible, in my opinion.

I suppose that I view it in the same way as I viewed pregnancy. I wasn't going to force him into an empathy belly so that he could suffer too. But I did expect him to be very sympathetic and look after DD2 as much as possible and to buy ready meals and to take out the heavy bins to make my life as easy as possible.

YANBU in the slightest- there is plenty to do with a baby in the night that doesn't require breasts. Fetching the baby (if he/she isn't in your bed), changing nappy, winding baby, rocking/settling them.

We spent hours taking it in turns to settle both of our DCs at various points.

The nights can be very long and very lonely and both parents can help each other to get through and keep their sanity.

Re. the 'working next day' thing. I think that is a valid reason not to be up for hours, but I still think you can get up once or twice in the night for a short while and function perfectly well the next day. My husband's job involved using firearms and driving while DC1 was tiny and so he HAD to be on the ball, but it didn't mean he didn't help at all at night.

If my dh job involved firearms I'd insist that he didn't get his sleep broken in the night. If there had been an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, I'd have been forever wondering if it could have been avoided if he'd had unbroken sleep.

And you do seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill as regards what needs doing for a baby during the night. You get up, change the nappy, feed and hopefully they settle. If they don't then why get your partner up when you're up already? Yes it can seem a long night sometimes but as others have said why have both of you sleep deprived? Surely if the other partner is getting their sleep when you are not, they can take over when they are able and not be overtired and you can get some rest. Anything else seems to be either handholding for no reason or as someone else mentioned spite at having to be up when your partner is perceived as getting away with something

My DH used to get up at least once every night, and help out a bit (bringing baby to me, changing diaper), I really needed this emotional and practical support.

I think having a baby is a project you are in together, him not helping can cause long term resentment, it simply is not fair.

I have found looking after toddler and newborn much harder work than my previous office job, so am not impressed with the "he has to work" line.

Sorry YABU if you want him to get up in the night switch to FF and tell him where the bottles are.

chandon,seriously-i look after kids all day every day-i can tell you-it's clearly not that difficult as it's 10.15 am and we are both pissing around on the internet...

it's a different type of hard work-i know i couldn't go to my old job (drive 200 miles,present to clients,take the out to lunch/dinner and be on the ball) with broken sleep. also,when you embarked on your parenting project-did you clack his clackers in a vice as you were contracting so he could share that bit as well???

whether you accept it or not,those of you demanding cups of ruddy tea at 2am (more caffeine at that time is ALWAYS going to help you sleep!)or that dp get out of bed to fetch baby are being on the cusp of selfish/spiteful.