to expect my DH to get up in the night even though I am BF?

[lizmcfizz]

I'm up 2 or 3 times in the night feeding my 18 week old. DH does not get up at all, even when baby isn't settling. I was up for the third time last night when I saw him put his headphones on and turn over to go to sleep. Not even a 'you ok love?' I feel pissed off or am I being unreasonable?

[juuule]

lizmcfizz Have you spoken to your dh to say that you felt a bit hurt that he hadn't asked if you were ok? Sometimes they just don't realise the effects of their actions (or inactions).

[mears]

Offered a drink to mum I meant, not baby.

I never had an 18 weeker persistantly up 3 times a night. I would feed and sleep though so perhaps I wasn't aware of it?

I did have times where baby would suck boob and not settle. Feeding was not required and DH helped.

As you
say though Juule - that was a different scenario.

Still think OP's DH could have been more supportive

[skidoodle]

mears

It took me a while to learn how to have naps when DD was little. I think I might have forgotten again, will have to relearn when no. 2 comes along in January.

It's a useful skill to have

Do not envy you shift working. DH and I are both log-like sleepers and bad morning people. He still can't cope with getting up at 7am, I have mostly come to terms with it now.

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Can't nap with a 2yo in the house.

Can sleep on the bog at work if needs be

[MrsTittleMouse]

That only works if your baby actually naps in the day though. DD1 gave up naps as soon as I found out that I was pregnant with DD2, and DD2 powernaps.

God, I would do nearly anything for some sleep. DH commented that at least DD2 fed quickly last night. But she's 10 months old and she shouldn't need any bloody milk! DD1 also took a year to sleep through reliably, shorted after which, I became pregnant again and had pregnancy-related insomnia.

But I digress...

[sleeplessinstretford]

we still don't get any kip and dp shares the nights, this is because our baby doesn't need feeding-if the baby is waking for food,as 18week old babies do then i maintain there is no point on waking hubby up.

[skidoodle]

18 week old babies wake for all sorts of reasons, they're not all the same. Don't be so simplistic.

[sleeplessinstretford]

ok,but the times baby does wake for food,you still think it's reasonable to wake your partner up? just so i am clear on this?

[Ceolas]

But how do you know if your baby's waking for feeding apart from trying that first?

Perhaps I'm lazy, but I never change nappies during the night (unless dirty) and have baby in or very close beside my bed. I feed lying down and fall asleep while doing this. I have never thought to wake DH and don't count how many times I wake in the night. It could easily be 2 or 3 even with an 18 week old.

I am expecting DC5 any day now, so I like to make it easy on myself!

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Think some of the posters on this thread haven't been blessed with babies who scream blue murder for hours night after night for no apparent reason

[sleeplessinstretford]

tin of spam-oh yes i was-and still-unless baby was about to be drop kicked out of the window- i dealt with it as more often than not,she was hungry/boob would settle her and nothing and i mean NOTHING else...

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

But if nothing settles them at all then why should the DH not help?

Taking it in turns makes sense to me.

[girlonadolphin]

Doesn't need to get up every time, that would be ridiculous but I know on the odd occasion I needed him to wake up and just "be there".

My exh never got up even once and I still hate him for it!

[sweetkitty]

Ceolas - I am the exact same as you, make it as easy on yourself as possible.

DD3 was still waking 5-6 times in the night at a year, I went on boobstrike and she is now sleeping through. I know for a fact that at 11 months she was waking for comfort, a little suck to make sure Mummies still there and off to sleep again. From their point of view it makes sense.

[morocco]

just remember that the hard work you put in now equals more or less the rest of your parenting years in lie ins at the weekend - at least that's what I'm expecting! dh does every single morning thing now while I laze in bed. I earned the right.

[plonker]

To the OP:

If baby just needs a bf then YABU - absolutely no point you both being up, and considering that you're the one with the boobs, then yes, you're the one that should be up. However, yes, a cursery "are you ok love?" would be very much appreciated and isn't a lot to ask for!

As for when the baby is unsettled, well, YANBU. If you're off and he's working then yes, IMO it's fair that you do the 'lions share' but he should also do his bit to help out.

My dd3 is now 2.1 and is still unsettled through the night
A lot of the time we are both at work the next day, but it's still me who does the lions share with dd. Now that does piss me off.

Congrats on your dd

[BroodyLady]

Nowadays, I am older and wiser and would be amazed if DH woke up in the night for anything. He has got better at "filtering" out crying with each of our 3 dcs.

Having said that, when I first brought dc1 home from hospital I had some cosy idea for some reason that we would share the night time waking - ha ha - the first night I was trying to feed and settle a howling dd and when I looked over at DH he had the pillow over his head.

My friend's DH got up every night and bottle-fed their baby from the beginning - he said he could cope at work better on no sleep than she could at home! Mind you, he does the ironing too.

Looking back it does feel like a special time which I would have missed out on if DH had given bottles in the night - I bf lying down in bed.

I'm saying all this on years of full nights of sleep though.

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Yes it's all about perspective isn't it broody.

I've got a 6 weeks old and a 2.1 yo and we all have streaming colds so at the moment I am not feeling the "specialness" of the time I spend feeding DD at night...

[immortalbeloved]

I agree with skidoodle

My DH always helped with nightfeeds despite me breastfeeding, because he wanted to

So when my lovely but erm demanding dc5 fed frequently throughout the night my DH would wake up pass him to me give me a kiss and tell me I was doing a fab job then doze off until baby needed putting back, he'd also do nappy changes/winding/ or make me a drink or snack

He did this despite working full time and commuting because he wanted to because like skiddodle said we are a team

We have never ever had any arguements or resentments about who does the most with the kids/house/work or who is the most tired or who has it harder despite having five children (soon to be six)and I think that feeling that everything we do we're in it together has had a lot to do with that

[lizmcfizz]

I have spoken to my DH about it all and he now understands a lot better. I got a cup of coffee in bed and he took the kids downstairs so I could sleep in a bit. I'm also getting a few more kisses than usual (still no sleep mind...)

[mears]

You can manage on less sleep when you know that someone cares!

Glad you have had a talk about it.

[LongtimeinBrussels]

So glad you have a chat with your dh lizmcfizz and hope you start getting a bit more unbroken sleep soon!