to expect my DH to get up in the night even though I am BF?

[lizmcfizz]

I'm up 2 or 3 times in the night feeding my 18 week old. DH does not get up at all, even when baby isn't settling. I was up for the third time last night when I saw him put his headphones on and turn over to go to sleep. Not even a 'you ok love?' I feel pissed off or am I being unreasonable?

[wilbur]

If it makes you feel better, my dh almost never got up with our three when they were babies (although to hear him tell tales of the one or two nights he walked the floor with yelling ds1, you would think he was up 24/7) as I was bf'ing until they slept through so it just wasn't worth disturbing him. However, both dd and ds2 have subsequently gone through major night waking stages at about 3 yrs old and they alway, always go to Daddy and wake him up so he has to put them back to bed. Mwahahahahaha! There are a lot of phases in family life - this is a hard one for you, there will be a hard time for your dh as well somewhere down the line. Just make sure he acknowledges what you are doing, even if he doesn't get up and share it.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Like other have said YABU. However tell your DH that you need a lie in at the weekends and breafast in bed.

[mears]

This thread is excellent for demonstrating that women have different expectations of their partners in their relationships.

A major trap when breastfeeding is that both parents can think that the baby must need feeding if it is crying and awake. However, sometimes that is not the case and that is when DH needs a boot to get up and rock/cradle the baby to sleep when you are sick of the sight of the wee darling!

[juuule]

When my babies woke up crying at 18w they only settled if they could suckle. Not much point disturbing dh when he had to get up for work the next day.

And yes I had to get up early with other children too. But if I was tired then I'd go to bed when I got a chance e.g about 8pm for a coupld of hours. Feed the baby and run off to bed leaving dh with the baby and children.

[piscesmoon]

Mine only wanted feeding if they woke in the night. I could manage to do it without fully waking. DH talking to me would have been irritating. I rolled out of bed, didn't switch any lights on, fed them and straight back to sleep. DH on the other hand woke fully and couldn't get back to sleep.

[abdnhiker]

juuule said ?I can't even see the point of dh getting up to get the baby to bring to you. That means you are both awake - why do that?? Actually, for us that meant that neither my DH nor had to wake up properly. He?d grab DS2 and bring him to me and go back to sleep while I fed DS2. I?d feed DS2 in bed, and because I hadn?t gotten out of bed, I was still half asleep and resting while I did it. Then I?d get up and pop DS2 back in bed myself. For us it made a world of difference to me, I did all the night shift with DS1 and ended up depressed, exhausted, and ill as I had trouble getting back to sleep after being up and down for a feed. Sharing the load made it far less of a job and I made sure that my DH knew he could sleep in the spare room on the nights when he started feeling run down (which he did at least once a week, and I didn't resent it at all unlike with DS1 when I did resent him sleeping when I wasn't).

As for dangerous work ? when DS2 was three months old I was so tired I found myself driving on the wrong side of the road (am originally from Canada) with both boys in the car. Being a mum isn?t always a job where you can turn your brain off safely. Yes, my DH needed to be reasonably well-rested to do his job, but he also knew that it was important to prevent me from collapsing too. I?m not talking about being a bit tired, but about preventing the sort of exhaustion-fog that could let me make mistakes that could have harmed our kids.

[OrmIrian]

Is he working? If so leave him to sleep. He can't feed the baby so why wake both of you?

[OrmIrian]

Mind you I had my babies in the same bed most of the time so it wasn't an issue.

[juuule]

If you were that tired, why did you drive?
Why couldn't you catch up on your sleep at times?
Not having a go, just trying to understand.

[abdnhiker]

juule I didn't actually realize how tired I was until then, I'd gotten so used to functioning on little sleep that I didn't know how poorly my brain was coping. Driving wasn't the only thing I needed my brain for though - with a two year old I did have to watch to make sure he was safe as well. My point is that both parents need some minimum amount of sleep and if one is not getting it, then the other needs to try to help as best they can.

And I did try to catch up on sleep as much as I could but DS1 had given up his afternoon nap so I couldn't rest during the day. We (DH and I) would go to bed at 8pm once the kids were asleep in order to maximize our rest - it was just a very tough couple of months. We also traded lie-ins on the weekends.

I think people here are being really tough on the OP for wanting her DH to help at night - everyone needs different amounts of sleep and has different responses to broken nights. Just because one mother can manage it, doesn't mean we all can. I am very glad I finally realized I needed DH's help and couldn't do it all on my own at night and that we found a way to share the load so that it worked for us.

For the OP - can I give you hope? My youngest is 14 months now and sleeps from 8pm to 6am and DH and I are loving the fact that as long as we go to bed before 10pm we both get a magical 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep! (As well as two hours of adult time).

[skidoodle]

I'm really shocked at the number of women who think it is vindictive and spiteful for a woman to expect her husband to help in the night.

It makes no sense unless only the woman is responsible for the child and the man is just an impotent, pointless onlooker. And even then it is a particularly nasty accusation to throw at other women because of the way they and their husband choose to share the work.

Because I was bfing I did 90%+ of the night waking, and 100% of the early mornings for over a year.

But every single time a baby wakes in the night it is not because they are hungry and sometimes a feed won't settle them.

When our DD was sick or teething or not settling for some mysterious reason and just a breastfeed was not working, why on earth should I have had to deal with that alone?

If anything the fairest thing on the odd occasion when a feed wouldn't do it would have been for me to get him up to deal with it and go and get some kip myself. But I wouldn't have left him like that when he didn't know what was wrong.

I have a DH who loves me and who wouldn't want to just lie there unconscious while I was struggling with our child, anymore than I would want the same for him.

As for the who does what debate - there are precious few jobs that involve firearms or life and death situations on a daily basis. For the rest of us I fail to see why it is considered essential for a man to be fresh as a daisy for client meetings while his wife is at home endangering their young children because she hasn't slept properly for months.

As for ridiculous jibes about trying to physically hurt my husband or cause him pain because of how I was feeling

1. I don't consider having to care for my daughter when she is unwell as a punishment and so I don't expect my husband to see it that way either

1. I love him just as he loves me and neither of us wants the other to have to do the hard things in life alone. If that makes us both spiteful, then I guess that is what we are. Funny definition of spite, but there you go.

I actually asked DH what he felt about our "teamwork" approach (that, TBH just developed but it is how we deal with everything) to difficult nights and whether he would prefer to be married to someone who would do it all themselves so he could sleep undisturbed. He just wondered why anyone would act like such a martyr.

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Not read all of it...

Depends on what the baby wants.

Mine were BF and if they need feeding then I go and do it (obviously).

If like last night the baby is full and doesn't want the breast but is screaming due to uncomfortable farts/trying to get a poo out then yes after half an hour I had had enough and went and got DH for a swap-over.

When DD1 was small she used to scream from 7-2 every night. I would have gone mental if I'd had to deal with that by myself.

All babies are different. Certainly when DD1 was older she'd feed and go back to sleep - so of course no need for DH to do anything there.

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Blimey just read some of the rest of this.

Personally I think that if you've got to that godawful point with a baby screaming in your face for ages that you have that overwhelming desire to throw them out of the window it's a good idea to take a break from it.

DH wouldn't have it any other way.

Can't see why that is selfish or spiteful or whathaveyou. Seems logical and sensible to me.

[juuule]

"while his wife is at home endangering their young children because she hasn't slept properly for months."

Skidoodle I think you've taken this to extremes. Most people are responding to the fact that it's not necessary for one partner to be up just because the other is. In this case, the mother is up to feed the baby, why does the dad have to be awake too? And seemingly ridiculously to make a cup of tea for the mother?
Even the op says
"Suppose I am being unreasonable then as when baby is very unsettled (rare) he will help and he did help a lot in the early days with winding etc."

So her dh does help at times in the night at times.

Op seems to be bemoaning the fact that bfing is hers to bear and would like dh to be awake with her regardless.
"This is the downside with breastfeeding I suppose in that you have to do all the feeding (stating the obvious)."

[juuule]

I think this thread has moved to a different level, now. Originally I thought it was about getting up to do night feeds/nappy changes.
Now it's about extended crying during the night - which is a different thing and it would be unreasonable to be left to deal alone with that. But that wasn't what was in the op.

[skidoodle]

juule

You're right, I'm just bridling at the idea that it is spiteful or vindictive to want a bit of help from your partner if you're struggling with something.

This from the OP
"I was up for the third time last night when I saw him put his headphones on and turn over to go to sleep. Not even a 'you ok love?'"

In this case this man was awake anyway, saw his wife was up, but instead of even a cursory check that she was OK, he stuck earphones in his ears to prevent himself from being disturbed by the baby that she was up dealing with.

That is so inconsiderate and rude.

I totally agree with you that there is no point in a man getting up while a baby is being breastfed. I never resented doing the nightfeeds at all, partly because DD slept very well most of the time, and partly because I knew my DH appreciated what I was doing. If he had behaved as described above I would have felt taken for granted.

[mears]

Am I the only mother who has fed a fractious baby repoeatedly for him/her not to settle?

DH got the baby while I got some sleep.

My DH would offer me a drink whilst babe was permanently latched, even if he was working next day.

I went back to work which involved night shift, so DH had a lot of empathy when he was left with the night feeds of EBM

OP's DH was woken anyway - don't see why he couldn't have offered some help rather than just roll over.

[mears]

OP was up for 3rd time that night with 18 week old baby. That is quite a lot really.

[abdnhiker]

yes, three times a night with an 18 week old is crap! Hugs to the OP! I promise it gets easier.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

sleepless, it's unsupportive because he wakes, sees that she is up again and puts his headphones in and rolls over.

I did not suggest that he should be awake all the time in sympathy or sit with her, but a simple "is everything alright? Is there anything I can get you?" Or offering to settle the baby once they have been fed once or twice (NOTE: once or twice when things are bad, not ALL the time) to get them back to sleep. I think that the OP would just like to feel supoported.

[juuule]

I see your point, skidoodle. Of course, he could have been putting his earphones in while half asleep. I've done this with earplugs when dh snoring. Hardly even woken up to do it. But I can see why it could be hurtful in the op situation.

Mears if they are both having disturbed nights then surely it's better if one gets less disturbed than the other at the same time. That way you can work a sort of shift system between you where the one being less disturbed in the night can take over in the evening so that the 'night-worker' can get some sleep. Also most mothers on mat.leave will get some opportunity during the day to rest where if you have to go out to work it's unlikely. Or at least that's what we found.
And I'm not talking about extended periods of crying/wakefulness during the night in which case it was "all hands to the pumps"

[juuule]

"OP was up for 3rd time that night with 18 week old baby. That is quite a lot really."

Not with my babies it wasn't. Which is why they usually ended up in bed with me.

[sweetkitty]

I never expected DP to help with the nightfeeds, all 3 DDs coslept in a bedside cot next to me so when they awoke it was top up and back to sleep for bother of us. I never saw the point to waking him. If it was something else rather than boob related, he would go fetch calpol change nappies etc.

However, if one of the other two got up DP would get up to see to them, that was always the deal as I had to get up with the baby. At weekends I would also have naps and lie ins, I see that as being supportive.

The point is, all the baby wanted was boob, DP couldn't provide it so there was no point in him getting up, however, there are other things he could do.

[mears]

I agree to a point. However, I think the OP feels hard done by when up for 3rd time with no offer of help from DH.

I personally did not stay awake for feeds if I could. I latched them on and dozed while feeding. There were fractious nights though that DH helped with.

An 18 weeks old up 3 times is a lot IMO and perhaps DH could have offered a drink in that scenario or tried to settle baby.

I definitely agree that DH should not have been up just because I was, but we had some really nice quiet converations during the night when baby was up a lot in the early days.

DH and I never ever slept in separate rooms so he was aware when I was up.

We have the added bonus of both being shift workers so are used to disrupted sleep patterns. We are very effective at 'power napping'

[juuule]

Good point about who got up if the older children woke, sweetkitty. Dh did that too. He also did his share when the babies got older and woke in the night, too.