Actually, is my mother being unreasonable?

[kittywise]

OK here's the senario:

My mother has offered to take various of my children to the local cinema, both today and on Monday. On the whole I am pleased that she is doing this as I am not a great cinema fan, I have tinnitus and cannot be in very noisy situations.

She has taken them before too.

The catch is that I have to pay for everybody to go, including her. She is certainly well off enough to afford it herself though, she is, for instance, planning to buy an antique clock worth £9,000 because she likes old things and it's a good investment etc etc.

I wasn't too bothered by this initially as it enabled the kids to see films and got me out of going.

Dp, however, thinks she is outrageous in asking me to pay. He reckons no other grandparent would do this if they could afford to pay with their own money.

He says that the kids will think she so wonderful and generous, taking them off to the cinema, when infact she hasn't paid anything for it.

Now I feel very agitated by the whole situation. Yesterday I bought tickets for her and 3 of the kids and it cost £21. She has offered to take them again on monday and it will be even more money then, as 4 kids are going. Money IS an issue for us though, we are, like many people, struggling big time.

She has gone on holiday with me and the kids ( dp stays at home and works), but she does not pay ANYTHING she hands dp a bill at the end of the holiday for all her 'expenses' which last year, for a week, amounted to over £300!!!

So basically I don't know whether she is being normal or rubbish.
Please tell me what you think. Is this normal behaviour? Would you be quite happy for this to be the 'arrangement' in your house; that your mother offered to take your kids out, but you had to pay for it?

Thanks( a very confused kitty)

I'm still in shock that she hands in her 'expenses' after a holiday. Really that is very bizarre.

I never asked her to take them to the cinema

I think the bill at the end of the holiday was very unreasonable. I agree that paying for her treats seems a little kooky. When you see her why nothand over an envelope of money saying - this is for the kids tickets - and cover only their costs and not your mothers?

Definitely and completely YANBU. Surely grandparents want to treat their grandchildren occasionally and if she can't afford to take them to the cinema then she should find something else to do with them that costs less / is free, like going for a long walk. It sounds like she is not doing it for the children but for herself.

It's incredible that she presents you with an expenses bill at the end of the holiday!
Next time make perfectly clear that she is not to buy the kids anything as in fact she is not actually buying it and you cannot afford it.

As for the cinema, if you have asked her to take the kids then it would seem reasonable that you would offer to pay for it all as she wouldn't have been going otherwise.

But, if she has offered to take the kids out and decides on the cinema then she should pay.

If you're ok with the situation (tbh honest I wouldn't be it's my mother and the dc's granny-taking them to the cinema is hardly 'free childcare', that would be if you went off to work all day, left the dc's with said granny and didn't pay her a bean) then say nothing.

If it were me I would be saying that they can't go to the cinema because I can't afford it. If she then says 'oh dear we won't go then' well, it's up to you what you do next.

Her attitude to money is strange. My Mum takes my DDs out and she decides where she's going to take them and she pays. So if she doesn't have much money, she can take them somewhere cheap. She often takes them to the library or the park, anyway, because it's fun. I only have two, but I would have thought that it was the same principal. If I asked her to do something expensive then I would offer to pay, she would refuse and I would insist.

Hm, just had a thought here - does she choose the cinema because she doesn't have to actually do much with them except herd them all in? Whereas a picnic or the library would involve actual playing and interacting. If she sees it as a duty then I can see how she's picking the easiest option and not caring about the cost to you.

DL, I paid for the cinema, she bought half her weight in chocolate and cola!!

yes and she took three kids with her to the cinema, God only knows what sweets they got through!

If she bought the sweets at the cinema they probably didn't have very many at all for 18 pounds.
Not just your mum irritated by cinema sweet prices. See Moneysavingexpert.

If we buy sweets in the cinema we get one bag between everyone and promise them treats after we come out.

next time ask her to take them to the park instead, as you don´t have the cash for a film.