Actually, is my mother being unreasonable?

[kittywise]

OK here's the senario:

My mother has offered to take various of my children to the local cinema, both today and on Monday. On the whole I am pleased that she is doing this as I am not a great cinema fan, I have tinnitus and cannot be in very noisy situations.

She has taken them before too.

The catch is that I have to pay for everybody to go, including her. She is certainly well off enough to afford it herself though, she is, for instance, planning to buy an antique clock worth £9,000 because she likes old things and it's a good investment etc etc.

I wasn't too bothered by this initially as it enabled the kids to see films and got me out of going.

Dp, however, thinks she is outrageous in asking me to pay. He reckons no other grandparent would do this if they could afford to pay with their own money.

He says that the kids will think she so wonderful and generous, taking them off to the cinema, when infact she hasn't paid anything for it.

Now I feel very agitated by the whole situation. Yesterday I bought tickets for her and 3 of the kids and it cost £21. She has offered to take them again on monday and it will be even more money then, as 4 kids are going. Money IS an issue for us though, we are, like many people, struggling big time.

She has gone on holiday with me and the kids ( dp stays at home and works), but she does not pay ANYTHING she hands dp a bill at the end of the holiday for all her 'expenses' which last year, for a week, amounted to over £300!!!

So basically I don't know whether she is being normal or rubbish.
Please tell me what you think. Is this normal behaviour? Would you be quite happy for this to be the 'arrangement' in your house; that your mother offered to take your kids out, but you had to pay for it?

Thanks( a very confused kitty)

mumcentre, I very much leave it up to her. She very rarely takes all of them out. I think I am the only one I know who could manage that!

Tomorrow she is now going to the local park with whomever wants to go.

'But what she does for the kids is borne out of duty rather than affection.'

I was going to mention that but wasn't sure how you would take it...she is your mother after all.

Can't say that I've taken them away that often, Kittywise. Mainly due to cost so skip holidays away from home quite a bit.

I have however gone with them when we've found a cheaper holiday and I've thought it's been a while.

Eg A week away with the 6 older ones when they were aged around 10,9,6,5,3 and 1.
I didn't go to the clubs at night due to the smoky atmosphere. Much better now. We were governed a bit by what the younger children's staying power was. Although babies do tend to fall asleep if they're in the pushchair.
We could go rockpooling. I found that the walking younger ones are just as interested to see what they can find as the older ones and the older ones love to show what they've found. Again baby was either in a sling or pushchair.

Just recently I took the 5 youngest away for a week in a caravan. (14,12,11,9 and 6).

Must admit that it's easier as they get older. So maybe you could look forward to that.
I do tend to look at these holidays as more for the children and they can be quite hard work when they are younger but it does improve and I got a lot out of our last break away together.

Dh took the younger ones away for a week a couple of christmases ago (not christmas, December) to Butlins and they had a great time. Me and the older children had a reasonably peaceful week and got stuff ready for Christmas

They all seem to have enjoyed themselves and I don't think anybody missed out on much. Lovely to have a change of scenery.

Why not try a weekend break to start with and see how it goes? You might be surprised.

Can i just ask why your dh does not go on holiday with you and dc? If he did, the question of your mum going and presenting a bill at the end of the hol. would be a non-issue.
If your mum comes on hol. again with you, I think it reasonable to pay for how much it costs for an adult to go to the resort, but be clear with her, that how she chooses to spend HER money while shes there is her choice, inc. treats for dc, and you do not expect a bill at the end of the hol, as she is deciding how to spend her money.

wow juuule, hats off to you. I know I would be exhausted taking them all on my own. I can imagine it when the youngest is 4 but not now.
But you are supermum!!

bigpants, dp has M.E. apnoea and insomnia and becomes very tired during the day. He finds it impossible to sleep anywhere but at home. Yes, it is limiting, but there you go.

We have 6dc, so hols are expensive for us also. Eldest is 15, youngest is 3.5. We havent been abroad with them, but, we have done Haven hols, rented a cottage, and Butlins is a favourite with the kids. It is a slog,while they are all varying ages, and my dh and i come back knackered,but wouldnt have it any other way.
I understand your dh has to work, but why cant he take a week off to accompany you and dc on holiday? The dc would probably really appreciate that. I also think, that he then gets a break from the dc by not coming with you, while you wear yourself out,keeping them happy.
Some men,(dont know your dh, so dont know if he is one of them), use the "Ive got to work card", to "escape" family time, and emmerse themselves in it. If you suspect your dh is doing that,and are not happy about it, tell him you want things to change. Apologies in advance, if i am barking up the wrong tree!

No, I don't think I am supermum. Lol. Far from it.

I've known other families with a few children where one parent has taken the children away for a holiday on their own because the other parent can't get the time off work. It's really much like being at home with them only you are somewhere else but with more entertainment.

Oh and my dh would love to come away with us but circumstances at different times have meant that only one or the other of us can go.

oh,please except my apology. Not sure how you get round this-just think you must be exhausted. Can he really not sleep anywhere but home-has he tried lately?
My dh has severe Arthritis in his back, and other difficul, and this makes him really tired too, so feel for you.
What is it, about dh like ours-dropping to bits on one hand,so to speak, but still very virile!! But, thats probably another thread..

Kittywise, I would just say to her, next holiday. That you completly understand that she doesn't want to pay for treats for your children. But that you need to control the budget, so would rather decide on any treats they get themselves, and pay for them at the time, rather than a bill at the end.

Therefore you would ask that she not treat them at all, or suggest it, as you will be paying for the treats at the time when you decide and thereby controling the budget!

Kitty, another thought. Do you have a friend with children who would go away with you?
Some mums that I know go away together with the children while their dh/dp are working.

Tell her you can't afford for them to go next week and see what she says.

Tne bill for expenses on holiday is appalling though.

kittywise-i am thinking that perhaps your dh is slightly taking the piss with his inability to sleep anywhere-thought sleep aopnea meant you couldn't help but sleep???
this is a bit flippant but imho he's a bit out of order refusing point blank to entertain his own kids for a week on holiday and then getting arsey with the person that does entertain them/enable the holiday to take place.
why can't he take them to the cinema?
the more i read about him the more i think your mother is not unreasonable btw!
I am one of 6 by the way,my eldest sister is now 42 and my youngest is 26. We were never taken on an all excitement holiday- the holiday/beach\park was the treat.i still remember sitting on FREEZING beaches eating butties and drinking a bottle of kia ora (mum wouldn't buy cans of drink) so all 8 of us would be swigging out of the same 3litre bottle she'd mixed that morning in the caravan.
If you can't manage and can't afford it on your own then don't go. alternatively make your dh shape up,he's really not in the position of dictating on something he's effectively opted out of...

I would offer to buy the tickets - effectively she's baby sitting for you. But then I know that my mum would insist on paying anyway. Have you told her you're struggling?

The wicked part of me would want to give her the money to pay the holiday 'bill' she'd presented in front of the children - 'Here you go mum, here's the money you asked for to pay for all the stuff you bought the kids.'

But the more sensible part agrees that saying 'no' to outings you can't afford and setting a budget on holiday (especially giving the money to the children - that is a very good idea) would be better.

sleepless, yes I know what you mean and agree with it too. I agree with the way my mum obviously feels too.
The apnoea means that his airways close at night and stop him breathing, so he constantly wakes up because he's not breathing. It isn't simply to do with falling asleep during the day!

I feel that I am stuck in the middle.

There are many aspects of being with dp that are far, far from ideal, but I also know that taking him on 'holiday' with us would be a disaster all round.
He is very harding working, but also very limited in many ways and after 15 years of being with him I know when to stop 'pushing'.

Well mum came round this morning and took 5 of them out to the park. I offered to give her money for the food but she said no.
She did , however, comment on the amount of money SHE had spent at the cinema on friday. She said

" Kitty You know you said how expensive it was to send them to the cinema? Well I spent £18 on sweets and drinks I think it's criminal to charge that much"

I agreed and said it was ridiculous to spend that amount of money and there was no need at all. She said " well it's a treat isn't it, it doesn't happen very often"

See she has a thing about money.

I am not going to pay for the cinema tickets and give her money for sweets and coke.

She is always plying them with choc and fizzy drinks even though she knows I hate it.

A few weeks ago she treated ds1 and his friend to some chips after a concert they had done ( this is reported by dp who was with them).
The boys bought themselves a big bag of chips each and apparently she commented on the amount that cost too

dandylioness, my mum is involved a lot with my kids, but she does so out of duty, there is no real enjoyment there but I am genuinely grateful for the things she does and she is always thanked.

The reason I started this thread, as I said before was to find out whether her attitude to money and paying for trips was the same as other people. I have also said many times that I fully understand her POV even if it saddens me somewhat.
I would not have posted had it not been for DP"s incredulity over the whole business.

I do think charging you on the holiday was a bit much, since you hadn't discussed how it was going to work in advance.

On the other hand, I think the cinema may have been a bit of a misunderstanding - didn't the cinema use to be a really cheap thing to do? It sounds like she was taken aback by the price of the tickets.

Could you just have a chat about money and how you want to sort things out - say that you're delighted that she wants to be with her grandchildren, but that of course you have to be careful about how much they spend together. You can flatter her a bit by saying that you want the children to be as thrify with their money as their Yorkshire granny

Clock is a red herring - if she wants to invest her money in antiques rather than in an ISA, that's her decision. I don't think anyone can criticise someone for wanting to save money for the future.

Couldn't you just have a good talk with her?
Discuss how you need to budget. Let her know that you need to restrict things. That if she wants to treat your children then that's fine but if she is going to ask you to reimburse her then could she discuss it with you before spending the money.

Also ask her if she finds it a bit too much to take them out or to help you out. She might find it exhausting.

BTW, I didn't mean the last para to be aimed at Kitty - it a reply to the person who said it was unacceptable to buy an expensive clock.

To be honest, I think some people (especially elderly ladies from Yorkshire) just like to moan about how much things cost! Your mum reminds me a bit of my mum's Aunty Mabel.

When we do trips for my nephew and niece during school hols, their parents always offer to pay as they feel they're getting free childcare, but I don't think we've ever suggested anything so expensive that we've not been happy to pay ourselves, as I'm also one to count the pennies. We tend to do more free events in museums, or going for walks and so on. If we're going somewhere where there's lunch to be bought, their parents do now give my niece money for both their lunches, which she loves being trusted with.

This is really sad and weird. Your mum is being very strange IMO but I don't know how you'd tackle it - it sounds like it's very ingrained.

YANBU.If you had asked her to take them then I would understand her asking you to pay. But as she has offered she should pay. Whenver my MIl or my parents have taken my children out they have always offered to pay. That is what most grandparents would do.

I think YABU. Your mother is kindly taking YOUR children to the cinema - surely that is for you to pay and to pay for her as a courtesy? Childcare for 4 children for that time would be alot more than the price of the tickets. You can't expect other people to treat your children, even grandparents. Having a large family must be prohibitively expensive one of the reasons most people dont do it I would think.