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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Actually, is my mother being unreasonable?

162 replies

kittywise · 08/08/2009 07:34

OK here's the senario:

My mother has offered to take various of my children to the local cinema, both today and on Monday. On the whole I am pleased that she is doing this as I am not a great cinema fan, I have tinnitus and cannot be in very noisy situations.

She has taken them before too.

The catch is that I have to pay for everybody to go, including her. She is certainly well off enough to afford it herself though, she is, for instance, planning to buy an antique clock worth £9,000 because she likes old things and it's a good investment etc etc.

I wasn't too bothered by this initially as it enabled the kids to see films and got me out of going.

Dp, however, thinks she is outrageous in asking me to pay. He reckons no other grandparent would do this if they could afford to pay with their own money.

He says that the kids will think she so wonderful and generous, taking them off to the cinema, when infact she hasn't paid anything for it.

Now I feel very agitated by the whole situation. Yesterday I bought tickets for her and 3 of the kids and it cost £21. She has offered to take them again on monday and it will be even more money then, as 4 kids are going. Money IS an issue for us though, we are, like many people, struggling big time.

She has gone on holiday with me and the kids ( dp stays at home and works), but she does not pay ANYTHING she hands dp a bill at the end of the holiday for all her 'expenses' which last year, for a week, amounted to over £300!!!

So basically I don't know whether she is being normal or rubbish.
Please tell me what you think. Is this normal behaviour? Would you be quite happy for this to be the 'arrangement' in your house; that your mother offered to take your kids out, but you had to pay for it?

Thanks( a very confused kitty)

OP posts:
pranma · 08/08/2009 11:18

Well I am a grandma and if I offer to take dgc anywhere I would insist on paying myself and if I couldnt afford it I wouldnt offer.As for holidays I would gladly pay my share if I was asked to go along[which doesnt arise as not so many dcs in each family].I took 5 dgc and 3 d-i-l to Legoland and paid for everyone though they bought my lunch and sent a lovely bunch of flowers afterwards.It was one of my best days ever!

slowreadingprogress · 08/08/2009 11:39

agree with edam that it's not a choice between taking gran on holiday, or no holiday at all. Make it a family holiday with you and your dp and then it's not an issue with your mum.

I don't think it needs to be any big deal at all for the kids to know you pay. It's still kind of their gran to take them and spend the time with them. If you can't afford it, it just needs to be a very matter of fact "no, sorry, I can't afford for you to do the cinema with gran again, why don't we ask her to take you to the park?"

I don't think that would be a problem for them to hear. If my mum offers to take ds to the cinema I have always offered the money. Sometimes she takes it, sometimes not - I don't think taking the money makes her mean even if you judge that she has enough to spend.

If she offeres and you can't afford it or resent it, then the simple answer is to say no.

slowreadingprogress · 08/08/2009 11:39

offers not 'offeres!'

TaurielTest · 08/08/2009 11:46

sleepless - whoah there with the tooth fairy comparisons! I meant tell them the truth in the way that msled and slowreadingprogress suggest - just being matter-of-fact about what can or can't be afforded, and in the process making it clear who it is who's doing the affording.

piscesmoon · 08/08/2009 11:49

I would just be up front from the start and if she offers say that you are on a budget and can't afford it. It is then up to her to forget it or pay. I would do the same with holidays-ask her if she wants to come, but make it clear what her costs will be. You may find that you lose the childcare but at least you know where you stand.

Katisha · 08/08/2009 11:50

Is your mother an MP??

You are in a difficult position because after all this time if she doesn't get the give and take dynamic of family life, and the fact that, while taking money into account, family relationships are a lot more subtle than a business arrangement, then it's never going to change. It's all something understood generally, rather than mapped out in expense bills and IOUs...

I know you have small children but I agree that being less dependent on her for holidays wuld be a step in the right direction - I bet you would cope fine - it just seems like a difficult prospect.

Stayingsunnygirl · 08/08/2009 12:12

Regarding the cinema issue, if you were going with the children (tinnitus aside) you'd have to pay for your ticket, so in theory, the outing isn't costing you any more than it would if you or your dp went with the children.

That said, any time I've offered to take someone else's children to the cinema, I've assumed I'd be paying for them, and whilst I might accept the money if they would be really upset if I refused, I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay, nor would I bill them afterwards!

I absolutely agree that the holiday thing is outrageous - neither my PIL nor my mother would dream of billing me for icecreams and other treats that they'd bought for my dses - that's beyond tight, imo. I realise that she's doing you a favour, by going on holiday with you, and perhaps if it's going to happen again, you need to sit down beforehand and discuss a few issues - perhaps offer to pay for her petrol, but say that she's responsible for her own spending money on holiday, whether she spends it on herself or the children.

At this very moment, my dh is taking my three dses all the way down to Essex, where my wonderful friend has invited them to stay until Wednesday. Initially I should have been going too, but I have to stay at home and look after the puppy, but my friend is still very happy to have the boys. She's got all sorts of treats lined up for them, some of which are not cheap, but refused pointblank when I offered to pay my boys' way on these outings. I even offered to send them with enough cash to buy a chinese takeaway for everyone, so she could have a night off from cooking, but she refused that too! The boys, however, have been well briefed to use some of the money we've given them to buy her a present, and I am going to send her some flowers by interflora. She's not getting away with it that easily.

georgimama · 08/08/2009 14:18

If money is such an issue, and it is "impossible" to go on holiday as a family without extra support, perhaps you should have thought about that before having seven children.

CarGirl · 08/08/2009 14:25

I think for future outings you should hand over the cash to your Mum in front of the children, the budget you decide on, with "here is the treat money for the dc it's all I have"

PlumBumMum · 08/08/2009 14:32

YANBU,

Just say you can't afford 2 outings to the cinema, could she take them to the park,

but she sounds like a mean grandma to me, if my mum or my MIL suggest a trip anywhere they always pay for me and the dcs,
I never expect them to they just do,
even if I invite them along anywhere they still always offer to pay!

sleeplessinstretford · 08/08/2009 14:34

i don't understand these people who want the children to be dragged into this???
what good would that do?

giraffesCanRunA10k · 08/08/2009 14:34

She is being V unreasonable. I often steal take friends children out and would never dream of asking for money as its me who has asked to take them. And I love spoiling them.

PlumBumMum · 08/08/2009 14:40

Actually we are going to the cinema tomorrow and my mum called round today for a visit and give the dcs £20 to get themselves something, shes not even going to be there!

I was actually annoyed she gave them so much!

CarGirl · 08/08/2009 14:43

dragging the children into it?

Okay the dc think Grandma is paying for everything, buying them treats. It doesn't have to be done nastily, or as a big thing but the children seeing that their parents are paying for the treats/outings etc redresses the balance. Grandma is giving them her time but their parents are paying out for it. The children also need to know there is a price limit on what they can have for that outing, ie Mum has given £15 when it's gone it's gone.

sleeplessinstretford · 08/08/2009 15:02

i disagree that the children are being taught any 'budgeting'letters and the frequent insistence to inform the children that the parents are paying is seemingly to detract from the grandma,not to encourage fiscal prudency.
I would say to granny-sorry,the purse is empty-what other things might you like to do with the children.
And assuming dp doesn't have tinnitus too i would get him to take the kids to the cinema.
I loathe and detest my mil-i have no intention of putting my issues with the old bag into my daughters relationship with her.

muggglewump · 08/08/2009 15:14

Do any of the Cinemas near you have a Kid's Club?
My nearest one does on a Saturday morning and it's £1 per person for slightly older films.
Might be a cheaper way of doing it?

Original poster
kittywise · 08/08/2009 17:24

Thank you all so much for finding the time to give me you views on the subject.

Just to clear up the holiday situation.

Dp has health issues which mean it would be very difficult for him to come away with me and the children and to be quite honest going away with him would not be great. He gets über stressed at things I think he should let go.

So mum always volunteered to come with us, I never asked her. She wanted the children to have a holiday. Initially she paid her way, then with each successive year, she has claimed she should pay less and less at it is far from a holiday etc etc. Now she pays nothing and I even think she charges DP for her wine. So she obviously doesn't 'enjoy' it ( not do I).

There is much she contributes that is positive in our lives.

The reason I posted is that I just didn't know whether her attitude was normal. One doesn't want to think that their own mother is behaving 'badly'. I wanted to find out what happened in other families.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywise · 08/08/2009 17:24

oh and thanks mugglewump, I think they might do, I'll investigate that

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 08/08/2009 17:28

Yeap kittywise we are going to Storm cinemas tomorrow £1 each, Ice Age 3 so its not always older films, so definitely check it out.

Pollyanna · 08/08/2009 17:35

kitty sorry I wouldn't know how to say something to my mother about the charging for expenses issue. I avoid all confrontation with my mum! i suspect it is something you would just have to put up with if your mum comes with you. Where do you go on holiday with her?

Mezley · 08/08/2009 17:40

If you are asking her to take them off your hands, then I can understand why she might want to be paid, but if she is offering...

Does she actually give a toss about you and her grandchildren or are you a "burden" to her?

Be magnanimous and decline politely if she is asking you if she can take them, or suggest a trip to the park/woods - free stuff!

Mumcentreplus · 08/08/2009 17:58

I can understand you having to pay for the children..but for her?..sorry but she doesn't sound too generous..my mother lives on a very tight budget I would never expect her to pay if I had asked her to take the children..but if she offers she would be paying of course I would offer to pay (knowing her circumstances)..but she would only expect me to pay for the children not her..my MIL and Father never ask for money..whatever the children do with them they pay for...

To me a grandparent is not the same as a paid carer..seems strange to treat your grandchildren that way.

Mumcentreplus · 08/08/2009 18:04

georgimama was that comment really called for?

Mezley · 08/08/2009 18:21

Agree mumcentre. georgimama be careful you don't fall off that high horse of yours.

Original poster
kittywise · 08/08/2009 18:37

It's alright mumcentre and mezley. I think georgimama must have "large family" issues. I ignore thinking like that.

OP posts: