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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Actually, is my mother being unreasonable?

162 replies

kittywise · 08/08/2009 07:34

OK here's the senario:

My mother has offered to take various of my children to the local cinema, both today and on Monday. On the whole I am pleased that she is doing this as I am not a great cinema fan, I have tinnitus and cannot be in very noisy situations.

She has taken them before too.

The catch is that I have to pay for everybody to go, including her. She is certainly well off enough to afford it herself though, she is, for instance, planning to buy an antique clock worth £9,000 because she likes old things and it's a good investment etc etc.

I wasn't too bothered by this initially as it enabled the kids to see films and got me out of going.

Dp, however, thinks she is outrageous in asking me to pay. He reckons no other grandparent would do this if they could afford to pay with their own money.

He says that the kids will think she so wonderful and generous, taking them off to the cinema, when infact she hasn't paid anything for it.

Now I feel very agitated by the whole situation. Yesterday I bought tickets for her and 3 of the kids and it cost £21. She has offered to take them again on monday and it will be even more money then, as 4 kids are going. Money IS an issue for us though, we are, like many people, struggling big time.

She has gone on holiday with me and the kids ( dp stays at home and works), but she does not pay ANYTHING she hands dp a bill at the end of the holiday for all her 'expenses' which last year, for a week, amounted to over £300!!!

So basically I don't know whether she is being normal or rubbish.
Please tell me what you think. Is this normal behaviour? Would you be quite happy for this to be the 'arrangement' in your house; that your mother offered to take your kids out, but you had to pay for it?

Thanks( a very confused kitty)

OP posts:

Mezley · 08/08/2009 18:42

Good for you kittywise!

slowreadingprogress · 08/08/2009 18:46

but the reality is that you deal with the truth of the family situation that you choose. If holidays are impossible with your man because of his issues and IF holidays are something you want to give your children, then that must be a factor in your decision to have more children or not.

I'd guess that for Kitty holidays are a nice add-on if possible but not that important; otherwise 7 children would not be a wise choice!

So I think in one way I see where georgimama is coming from. You do make certain things impossible with choosing to have lots of kids. But I guess Kitty knows that better than anyone. I think the key here is that the gran seems to want to give less and less as time goes on and that needs adjusting to in terms of what is asked of her and what Kitty stumps up for, or not

wonderingwondering · 08/08/2009 18:58

I always offer to pay when my parents take our children out - so I'll give enough money for lunch/drinks/entry for all of them. And I give petrol money if they are doing a lot of running around for me.

I think the line for me is that I don't expect them doing me a favour to cost them anything other than their time. That's separate to the treats and things they buy as grandparents, which they are very generous with.

And what they spend their money on more generally is their business - but it shouldn't be subsidising my lifestyle (so I can work, go out, whatever). And how much and when they choose to spend on the GC is their business.

Is that the distinction your mother tries to draw, OP? And if she has other grandchildren, perhaps she's conscious that she shouldn't spend more money on your family than on any other GC, although is able to give her time to help? Hence the somewhat over-zealous accounting process?

Original poster

kittywise · 08/08/2009 19:21

Wondering, I am an only child!!
Actually I think she is just tight, she always has been now I come to think about it. Well, she doesn't like spending money on other people, but loves spending it on herself

slowreading, that's it, I would rather have lots of lovely kids than go on holiday. Of course it's a decision I made. Having many children has many great, great positives, but many drawbacks too. Unless you are stinking rich then you make sacrifices.
And i certainly don't see a holiday as a yearly necessity at all.
We don't go abroad, we usually go the the I.O.W.

Once the children are older it will be easier for me to go on my own, or perhaps pay to take an au pair with us. I'm sure an au pair will be cheaper than my mother and her expenses list

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 08/08/2009 19:30

Au pair probably would be cheaper!

Nowt wrong with I.O.W either - we had our absolute best holiday there. With good weather and a beach it's magical.

CarGirl · 08/08/2009 19:31

I think the issue I take with your Mum's issue is the way she goes about it, ie does what she wants, spends money like water and then gives you the bill. Far better to give her the money up front so you have some control over how much it's costing.

It would also be different if she sometimes paid for them as a Grandma taking her GC out for a treat rather than never doing thateven if most of the time you footed the bill.

georgimama · 08/08/2009 21:36

What on earth are "large family" issues? I don't care how many children anyone has, but all you do really kittywise is post very frequently about how useless various au pairs are, how little support you get from your husband, and the general unfairness of life for you.

You actually come across, having read many many of your threads, as incredibly materialistic. Your main concern in this thread seems to be that your mother is getting credit from your children for things you've paid for.

Very few people can afford a very large family and a alpha lifestyle. You're trying to have both - can you afford it?

flibbertywidget · 08/08/2009 21:58

YANBU ---- sorry, but when my mum offers to take my LO out, she also pays. I have frequently offered to pay her back, but her view is she is the one that offered and she pays. And she also loves doing this as a granny. Like flamingobingo, my mum likes to treat her grandchild and one on the way to things. She also realises that money is tight for us and goes out of her way to help us.

I am shocked about her presenting an "expenses" bill at the end of a holiday. can't actually believe that someone's mum would do this!

Plus -- any comments like she provides you with free childcare for a couple of days[hmmm]..... sorry, but isn't this about helping each other out and family?? are we all so mercenary and materialistic to want to charge our family members when we look after their children. God help this country!

I recently looked after a friend's toddler when she went to have baby#2 for 2 days. I wouldn't have dreamt of "charging her", I saw it as an act of giving & kindness.

thisisyesterday · 08/08/2009 22:03

no, i don't think it's normal behaviour.

if she offers to take them out she should pay!

DandyLioness · 08/08/2009 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

kittywise · 08/08/2009 22:40

georgimama, you have a very limited view of my infrequent postings.

As stated in the op, I don't know what is normal, not do I have any views on her behaviour. I asked here because I wasn't sure. DP says her asking for payment is beyond the pale.
Most people think her attitude is 'wrong' a few seem to be arguing for the sake of it.

What I take away from here is that most grandparents are happy to offer to take their dgc's out and not expect payment.

OP posts:

kitkatqueen · 08/08/2009 23:04

Kitty I have read page 1 and page 4.

I have 3.9 kids and I am in the situation where I am not allowed by the gps to pay if they want to take the dgcs out. They insist on paying.

I would be happy to contribute but rarely get the chance

I'm pretty skint at the mo too ( who isn't?) and its really lovely that my dc's get to do stuff that I otherwise probably couldn't afford.

However in your situation I would turn things around a little. I would only let the dc's go with her to the cinema if I could afford it and if each dc had their own purse that I would put the money into for them, so telling them here is the cinema money for when nanny takes you.

Same with holidays. I would be happy for her to come too. BUT the dc's would have a daily allowance given to them, not her.

As much as I think its ok for you to pay for the dc's icecreams etc its not ok for her to be free with your money in a way in which she would not be with hers. You mentioned that she is a self described "penny pinching yorkshire lass" and I have every respect for that, but when she's on hols with you suddenly she feels able to spend what she wants??? thats not ok.

Next time you go on holiday explain to her that you have set out a budget per child for the holiday and it will be given to them daily. Say Please don't buy things yourself and then ask for the money because we can't afford it and want to teach the dcs about the value of money. It will also teach the dc's where the money comes from and that Nanny is lovely for being there and taking them, but mum and dad pay.

The sunshine is free, ask her to take them to the park or the library, lots of librarys are doing fab reading schemes over the holidays where the kids get certificates to take into school. You shopuldn't be in the situation of paying for treats you can't afford.

paisleyleaf · 08/08/2009 23:06

Dandylioness's post makes a lot of sense
I would pay for my mum....but she is a pensioner now, and children do require a fair bit of energy and effort.

georgimama · 08/08/2009 23:09

3.9 kids? How is that possible? What's missing from number 4?

2rebecca · 08/08/2009 23:10

If you can't afford to pay for the kids and your mum to got to the cinema then say so. I wouldn't invite her on holiday again. She sounds strange and as though she regards looking after your kids as a job. If that is so then you need to decide whether you want her as paid carer of your children/ paid nanny on holiday as that is effectively the role she's chosen for herself.
If you are paying I would make sure the kids know this if you wish your mum to be their childminder.

kitkatqueen · 08/08/2009 23:13

LOL Georgimama!

A Birth!!!! Lots of contractions but he hasn't "arrived" yet due in 10 days

georgimama · 08/08/2009 23:13

Oh I get it! Good luck x

kitkatqueen · 08/08/2009 23:14

Apparantly with the current lower birth levels a few of us need to have big families to make sure everyone gets a pension

sleeplessinstretford · 08/08/2009 23:17

I wouldn't expect anyone to be out of pocket,family or otherwise,for helping me out.
I imagine your mum knows that you wouldn't be able to have a holiday without her going-i don't agree that you should reimburse her 'treats' that she offers the kids on holiday but you absolutely should ensure that she is not out of pocket.
Ditto the cinema,if the choice is 'your kids can't go to the cinema or you shelling out for one ticket (that if you could take them you'd have to buy for yourself) then that's a decision you need to make and stick to.

2rebecca · 08/08/2009 23:19

If your mum is going on holiday instead of your husband then it seems reasonable to pay for her as you would have paid for your husband if she is mainly going to childmind, which sounds the case as you say you can't manage without her. I would say to her though that expenses have to be discussed in advance and she doesn't offer to buy icecreams, buy everyone meals etc unless it's her own money. If it's your money you get to choose who has icecreams. If your husband can't face holidays with his own family though I don't think he can really complain when your mum takes over his parental role but expect his money to still pay for doing his role.
If he finds family life so stressful i do wonder at you both choosing a large family though, it doesn't sound as though he's getting much out of it.

sleeplessinstretford · 08/08/2009 23:34

to be fair to the op it's a bit fucking late to question her decision to have 6kids-they sort of already exist-wtf do you suggest she does with them? ebay?

kitkatqueen · 08/08/2009 23:37

2rebbecca, I don't know kitty from adam so I don't know her situation any more than you do, but I do know that not everyone with a big family "chooses" to have one. Sometimes life "happens".

So too 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I don't think your comment is at all helpful and I think it comes across as patronising, sorry but it does.

slowreadingprogress · 09/08/2009 00:02

kitkat, Kitty has made clear in this thread that this size of family is one she chose, actually - 7 kids have not just happened to her!

kitkatqueen · 09/08/2009 00:22

fair doos slow, but I just don't see how the comment was helpful in any way It just seemed like a "you've messed up" poke, tbh I agree with sleepless, I was just trying to be less blunt LOL sleepless!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2009 00:26

A phrase kept going through my head as I read this thread - "He who pays the piper calls the tune." Your mother wants to call the tune, but you are to pay the piper!

No, your mother is not being normal here. If she offers to take the children to the cinema, she pays not you. That is how my mother and MIL do it.

As for the bill at the end of the holiday - definately out of order! I can see that it's no holiday for her, but it's just not on to play the treat-buying generous granny to the gallery and then claw it all back in private.

YANBU - she is.

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