to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

It seems he feels justified/entitled to be like this~ and gets worse when stressed.

Just on a separate tack,if someone e mails you that they cannot open your attachment,please send as a word file,does that mean in the form of e mail?

I don't know I'm afraid. Was the attachment not originally a word document?

Can you ring them and ask them to clarify what they need you to do?

Thanks anyway,I couldn't work it out so I will take a paper version over tomorrow.

laby sorry your Sunday out was so stressful.

You are so right he does feel entitled to behave like that.

Your natural (and civilised) response is appeasement, understanding, patience...etc. But why? - probably like me you are non-confrontational. However, as I said before, I think you need to step outside that role - for your own self respect.

Next time it happens, take your keys, the kids and get a taxi home.

I know how you feel my dh being an arse imo atm. Its partly my own fault because ive always done everything but im not v good healthwise atm most the time exhausted. I wok mon - fri (around the school times) have 2 dd's but dh leaves at 6.15 and gets back 4.45 so apparently he shouldnt have to do anything because i work less hours. I cook everyday, clean everyday, do washing, ironing organise dd's, prepare everyones lunches etc etc etc. He knows how i feel but makes flipant remarkes like i dont ask you to do it. But if i didnt it wouldnt get done. He thinks its a joke and has started making jokes like do i get kids every weekend then? and when are you moving out then ha ha? Is it just my hormones? should i just ignore him? Im v emotional atm and think thats why its bothering me soooooooooooo much.

Sorry to hijack thread just needed a rant.

How's it going Laby? Any movement on the job front?

laby, wondering how things are?

sorry I didn't know anyone had been posting on the thread again thanks guys!

I had a groundhog day last week when we had said we were going back for the car we didn't get when I started this thread.
I was woken with "It's 5 past 9 I gather you don't want to go or you would have been up!".

Actually the clock had been turned off by him earlier and I had totally overslept[but the garage was open till 5pm lol].

But this time I realised he would want to go in fact had to go with me as his car was broken down this time and he also wanted to look for a car ,so when I said"fine,whatever",I knew he thought he would be taking my car[and looking for a car for himself without me] and I told him I would be going to town for the day in my car!

Within 5 minutes he had changed his tune to "I want to go I just thought you weren't interested"

Yawn

I think it's called being a pain and trying to get the upper hand all the time.

But because he bends the truth he gets in a twist sometimes while trying to save face!

Anyway the job hunting is going well I was accepted on to the programme I applied for straight away and start next week which is excellent and has given me a real boost of confidence~how I got so downtrodden I don't know!

I feel a bit about the downtrodden years but know I can only go forward not back and intend to make the most of it!

The support on this thread has helped me immeasurably thanks so much

Thats such good news on the job front! Is it a full-time programme or what?

Do you think dh is aware of the sea-change in your relationship?

yes it's full time.

I think whoever said you have to demand respect from this kind of man instead of it just being there automatically was right ~ he knows I won't just do everything he says now.

But to me you should respect people whether they are working/not working/well off/not well off etc ~it's fundamental.

It's not very good to bully people and take advantage of them.

Yes I imagine it's been a slippery slope into all that over the years. Bit of a shock to his system to suddenly find he's being stood up to! It's such a shame that so many people (especially men I suspect) equate worth and respect with earning power though.

Hi .
My dd was rather rude to me this morning ~ she said I am really slow and take ages to reply/respond!
Well she started with weird and moved on to slow!I told her it was a bit rude to say so and she just shouted "You are always like it ,everyone says so!"

I asked dh if this was so and he said sometimes I don't answer straightaway~ I was like the woman on the apprentice last series who Sir Alan called a slow burner[the rather plain one]!! I replied that people often talk at me all at once in our house and that was why.

But they were laughing together about me then as I was coming downstairs!

I asked dh to tell dd it was rude to shout at me and call me slow and he just said"Stop arguing" so she said "Yes,mum,stop arguing with me!"
So he took her side ~ even if I am slow I think she was being quite rude in the way she spoke.

I don't want to be oversensitive but going back into a competitive workforce next week is going to be a challenge at my age ~I think it was insensitive and feel worried I won't be able to do it.

Sounds to me like you just need to tell them that actually things have changed round here and you no longer expect them to be rude and disrespectful to you. I wouldn't ask DH if DD was right or not - that's just asking for trouble and appealing to his sense of superiority.

You will be fine at work because people will treat you like an adult. It's just your family who have taken you for granted for too bloody long and ground down your confidence.

And of course DD has learnt it from DH who should know better.

Grrr on your behalf. I would like to come round and give them both a talking to!

Thanks katisha ~ I didn't know if you were around earlier so I started a thread as you may have seen.

My underlying feeling is he has said/done this on purpose with me starting on monday~he loves seeing me put down.
Agree Grrr

I'm really letting this get me down ~ it's stupid but this sort of thing really gets to me.

I'm beginning to feel I'd be better off out of this marriage as these incidents come up at least once or twice a week.

I haven't seen other thread - willh ave a look later as have got to and get DCs. Working at home today and the school day ends just as I get into my stride!

But have you actually sat him down and talked to him about this?
I know you had that excellent list of things you wanted a lot earlier in the thread - could you go through it with him?

I have ,he says he's joking and sooner or later it crops up again.

hi laby - I am being very dim but I can't see another thread?

oh it is in AIBU with the name thickandslow[!] but it's not much different from what you already know.
I may well just be having a bad day today as well ~don't seem to feel my usual happy self lol.

also under name wiseandwonderful

Got it!

From what I know of you I suspect yes, DH will be hoping to undermine your confidence about going back to work. He doesn't appear to know any other way of interacting with you and needs to be Top Dog at least in his own eyes, and by the sound of it in his DCs eyes as well.

Take it from us lot at MN though that you are not rubbish and that you have taken some very decisive and positive action lately. I wouldn't rely on him for support - he sounds too set in his lazy dismissive "jokey" (who is actually laughing except for an impressionable 16 yr old) ways.

But look how you have changed since you started this thread - he had better look out if he thinks he can carry on like this forever!

Thanks katisha just reread your message which gives me a bit of a boost today ~ always a low point on a saturday as dh talks at me all the time asks me a million questions and generally grinds me down.

Looking forward to monday though

Laby sorry if I am wrong - but have you seen the thread in Relationships on Narcisisstic Personality Disorder? It makes for very interesting reading.

If you do decide to leave your DH you will get a lot of fantastic support on mumsnet. It has given me the confidence to and I am finding it very hard but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Also, have you read this thread?

Bertie ~ I had a look at NPD and it did ring a bell re the persistent annoying things he does to annoy other people on purpose even when we ask him not to ~ like eating everyones food from their plates or sneezing over things with no hand and hiding information,exaggerating things and misleading people etc.
Just being endlessly difficult really!

Have you left your partner/exH Bertie?

I am sort of in the process of leaving now. I am sorting out housing etc secretly when he is at work and living a "normal" life when he gets home, am also priming family and friends to be on standby with cars so that I can move my stuff one day while he is not here. We are not married so thankfully no legal stuff to sort out.

It's very stressful and I feel awful, like I am betraying him so badly by leaving like this but I really have no other option, living with him is affecting my health (I am 6 stone 10 and a nervous wreck) and I am worried about DS' safety as he gets older and starts pushing boundaries more. I know it will be worth it in the end.

So I am feeling like a terrible person (especially when he is home and being nice and playing with DS or something) - but then everyone who has read my list of what he has done or heard even a tiny part of it has said I must be a very nice person to put up with it all and still be polite to him, let alone being loving towards him and looking after him - so I suppose I can't be that terrible! I think when you are living in a situation your brain stops you from seeing how awful it really is. Imagine if you were living in a war zone or were a refugee, you just wouldn't be able to cope if you thought about how bad your situation was, you just get on with it because that is your life.