to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Good luck for tomorrow Laby!

Thanks for that,Kat
I had a brilliant day today,absolutely great really loved it

Hi just thought I'd post an update.
The week has been really good but it's a very steep learning curve and I'm feeling my age a bit!

I think my confidence is low because of being home so long and because of dh's attitude~so when the going gets tough I haven't anything to fall back on,iyswim?
So I was finding it difficult yesterday just feeling tired and dozy and wondered if I'm not going to be energetic and bright enough to do it.

I think dh and dd have affected my confidence and also I'm worried because I suppose I am a bit slow to get things done sometimes.

I need to do some studying this weekend and get some sleep as well and then put my all into it next week.

Maybe I need to set myself a goal of doing this for a certain period of time to give it a proper chance ~ like 3 to 6 months.

Well you have hardly been dozy and slow about getting your return to work off the ground!

I think that despite DH and DD being a large part of the battle with their entrenched attitudes, another part of the battle will be with yourself, and having the energy not to conform to their stupid ideas. And they are stupid and hurtful and achieve absolutely nothing for anyone, except maybe making DH feel superior.

Anyway - this is your first week back - of course you will feel tired - physically and mentally. Don't be so hard on yourself! Take it easy, go a day at a time, don't expect it to be plain sailing all the way, and when you encounter the inevitable drawbacks DO NOT think to yourself oh maybe DH is right about me. This is not about him any more. Don't engage with his draining crap.

I have always worked fulltime and this week have just had a really difficult, bitty, irritating sort of week which actually made me feel quite down. So it happens to us all, even when we haven't been out of the work scene for years like you have!

Have a relaxing w/e, take no shit from your family and go girl on Monday! And repeat to yourself "I am not dozy"!

(By the way thanks to your tip off a few weeks ago I have now got one of those easibreathe things for DS at school which he is delighted with.)

Thanks katisha I know you're right.

It wasn't an easy job 17 years ago and yesterday I thought maybe I was over estimating my capabilities a bit as I neither fit with the older ones who have the 17 years experience on top of what I have nor the younger ones who find the computer system and remembering all the bits and pieces easier than I now seem to lol.

I do feel older and it is all about confidence with me.

So onward and upward I think!

Thats good about the easibreathe though I'm glad you got one.

Just my thoughts before another week;

Friends have been lovely about me trying to get back to work and offering to have ds.

Dh has developed an annoying habit of saying to some of the few people who I've told "Of course she's not actually being paid for anything yet it's not a proper job!"~it's not that I don't want them to know that[as I've already told them],it's just the fact he keeps saying it ~ I've no idea why he feels he has to say that!

Anyway I'm going to give it my all this week[I sound like I'm on X factor lol]and will post at the end of the week.

I hope you have a good week katisha and thanks a lot

Good luck Laby - have a good one!

I suppose he is "just joking" as usual if you ask him what exactly he is trying to achieve with all the put downs...

Grrr would like to come round and give him a piece of my mind!

Put him out of your head at work - no-one is there to pull you down!

Ignore him - he is being an arse, one who won't appreciate you getting on and succeeding at anything. It's sad to say, but his opinions and comments shouldn't count for anything. You go girl!

well the training is going well apart from feeling a little old and tired lol but dh just making a mountain out of a molehill all the time again having a go at me and telling me off about various things ~ it's very wearing.
If you ask him to stop he just goes over it all again it really gets you down.

You need to do what Mumcentreplus said and quickly - I am sure the holiday will give you enough examples so just write them down and explain it to him rationally.

Sounds to me like he's using this control game as he feels insecure of his role at home -sounds like you've got it all under control with the DCs and housework, [how do you ever manage housework with 4DCs!?!] and that you are a pretty nice easygoing rational person. My DH is a pretty nice easygoing rational person and I find myself behaving quite strangely in order to subconsciously wind him up when I am upset about something or feeling a bit lost... I realise that this is rubbish and try not to, but I do get a bit OCD about punctuality and order and he is v chilled so rows can escalate even when everything is really okay. Perhaps you should ask him if everything is okay with him?

Okay okay, I appreciate that this advice might sound a bit fluffy if he's doing it intentionally to be nasty (I don't do this) but perhaps it is more complex.

Ignore my post, I was responding to the earliest post and hadn't realised the date of it. Conversation must have moved on somewhat as I can see this is page 10! sorry....

labyrinthine, I've just read this thread from the beginning (I'm newish here), and just wanted to say you are an extraordinary person who deserves every success in life!

Seriously, at the beginning of September I was on tenterhooks about whether you were going to make it through; when you posted you were starting work, I was really (and irrationally seeing as you're a stranger) pleased for you!

Try to keep strong.

I suspect that the laughing and undermining that he's doing with DD, and the fact that he has to belittle your job (does he not understand that just because something is unpaid it doesn't mean that it's not a job?) is because he is feeling insecure that you're able to function without him. That and the fact that if you're both working full time you're equal in the one respect he seems to think is important.

Good luck, and I hope it goes well for you.

Sorry ..managed to doze off while putting ds2 to bed lol.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply Wurzel ~that is really kind of you.

It is him being him a lot of the time and I know none of us are perfect but I wish he could try to be nice and make things easier instead of making things more difficult.

Sometimes I think he is doing it all on purpose and sometimes I think he must have Asperger's or something because he gets so stressed and can't communicate at all.

Feel really annoyed with dh tonight ~ it's like the last 10 or 15 years have caught up with me!

Now I remember why it was so difficult to get back to my career ~ because dh doesn't ever help out he always makes things so much worse.
I spent years placating the dcs and avoiding blow ups ~for what?

Now though I don't regret a minute spent with the children I can't help thinking I've been hoodwinked into giving up my own life to ensure that things go smoothly.

It's like I thought if I put enough effort in everything would turn out ok but it hasn't really ~ time has just gone by but the problems haven't gone away and meanwhile all my own ideas and choices have been trampled on.

sorry ~ I can see clearly now but so much time has gone by.

labyrinthine he sounds so selfish and self absorbed and like others said like he's on a power trip with treating you that way.

Good on you for going out and doing taking charge of your life and doing this for yourself, show him up prove him wrong, I bet the more confident you become the more scared he'll be! He wont know what hit him. Wish you the best in sucess, you can do it

Hello Laby - glad the training is going well!
DH - hmmm. It's interesting how many cases I am coming aross (both on MN and in RL) of women waking up to the fact that they have made all sorts of sacrifices for a quiet life and family harmony and now they have had enough and want to be themselves again. Of course the man doesn't want this as the equilibrium he has managed to somehow impose (through sulking or criticising or refusing to engage etc) will be out of the window. On the other hand he probably has no comprehension of how the woman is actually feeling and what this might mean for his marriage and therefore just ups the ante and gets worse.
What about Relate? This thread is interesting. You can go on your own if DH refuses.

Thanks for your support girls .

The first week dh took little ds to school but since then he hasn't had the patience to help get him ready and take him [it is on his way to work].So I have to take him which is the opposite direction to where I should be going and I can't get in to the early starts and make a good impression.

He also tends to shout and get cross and upset him which is a bit of a disaster.

Grrrr...

Brilliant day today I did loads of new things and it's all coming back to me now.

That's great to hear!

dh in an absolutely foul mood not a clue why.
Being totally obnoxious but saying I am in a bad mood not him when I asked him .
Slightly scary actually and completely opaque in terms of he won't say he is tired or ill or cross he says all is fine except for me beng in a bad mood

He has probably discerned that you have changed and can only describe it as you being in a bad mood, when what it actually is is you not pandering to his own moods and walking on eggshells around him, as it has been in the past...
Do you reckon?

Hi Kat yes I think he thinks I'm getting a bit above myself now.
I knocked a bottle of wine[his] slightly during tea and he went ballistic ~ dd and I said it was just an accident and he said "Don't move my things around then".

He then took ds' birthday chocolate and bit into it and was generally behaving in an objectionable and random way.He can be nasty especially to me and I really don't see the point at all.

I see this little glimmer of the future now where I will leave and meet someone really nice in the future who is fun and nice and we actually get on.

That whole exchange spoilt my evening and left me with a horrid feeling of anxiety.

I'm sure that is what he intended.

I don't think he liked me working when it was nearly teatime ~ also I have been doing well at work.

He is on leave this week and for the first time ever he is going to look after the dcs while I am out ~ not sure he's too impressed with that idea.And I have a feeling he is going to make me suffer in some way.