to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Reading it back it sounds like a repressed woman in a marriage from the fifties! ~of course I was quite confident this couldn't happen to me as I was well educated and professionally trained and we met as equals...
How did this happen?

Slowly and because you didn't realise it was happening, being a person of empathy yourself you can't see that other people are walking all over you. And because you want to keep the peace probably.

I was quite happy to do what was needed career wise for the common good~living in an isolated area with no family it seemed wise to devote myself to the dcs and look after dh demanding career...at no point did I realise this would end up with a total lack of respect for me..it was a journey I thought we were doing together,different roles but equals.

Can you put this to him?

Yes although he'll say it's nonsense.."It's not my fault I've had to earn all the money!I'm not going to apologise for that!What are you going on about?" would be typical.

Yes you are a bit stuck if it comes down to blame-pinning rather than an actual conversation and a willingness to consider a new idea...What about a letter with that list you wrote early in the thread?

Oh but he's HUGELY insecure isn't he? Reading this thread he sounds crazily insecure.

I reckon he thinks that you think: that he's always in the wrong, can never do anything right, every conversation is a criticism. he's down the bottom of the pecking order way under the dcs, you want too much, your standards are too high etc

and so he's fighting you.

And now you're going to fight him.

I'm not underestimating how awful the fighting is that he's doing btw, I do sympathize. But I think that's what is going on.

Nobody is to blame. You definitely aren't.

I reckon you absolutely stand your ground, in public you say 'I don't think these people want to listen to you being mean to me! It's awful for them!'

In private you need to both find ways to wipe the slate clean

I'm reading my own posts back and I'm really thinking ..What a waste of time..life's too short for this!

Well it is isn't it! You are a PERSON in your own right. Not an adjunct to someone else's life or an aunt salley for their insecurities/arrogance whatever it is.
Write him a letter. He may need a short sharp shock. Or it may be too late to change. But it sounds like some sort of stand is now being called for.

Perhaps he resents his role too, as much as you do.

it'd tie in with not being able to take responsibility for anything, and feeling so frustrated and impatient

You need to find a way to talk about this which does NOT descend or get anywhere near blaming him. To really work out what is going on.

Something more along the lines of

'I've been wondering, what would make you happier?'

'if you could have things different, how might you want them to be?'

then LISTEN and bite your tongue and try to hear what he says. It will sound terribly unjust to you. But try not to say 'but YOU, you did that etc'. Don't ask him to be different - just for this conversation - try to hear what he says.

Labyrinthine, I haven't read all of this thread but it sounds as if you're going through a horrible time.

I suggest you google 'Borderline Personality Disorder' - can't link directly as I'm on an itouch.

You mentioned that he lacks the empathy chip and that you have to push him to see things your way.

I apologize if I'm barking up the wrong tree; I just think it might help to answer your questions as to why he is like this.

I don't know a great deal about it myself, but lots of the things you said flagged it up for me as it is fresh in my mind ATM (I think someone I know might be this way).

Some of the symtoms at very extreme, and they certai my don't apply to the person I know, but that doesn't make it impossible that this may be an explanation for his behaviour, and give you somewhere to go from here.

Laby - I think you are getting some really good advice here and I hope it's helping you a little. Just something I thought I would mention. You say his father was controlling and this I think is the key to the problem. It sounds like your H has "learned" this behaviour from his father - this learning isn't at a conscious level - it goes on at a sub conscious level (or without realising it's happening) if you like. I would imagine your H was overly criticised as a child, blamed and maybe bullied by his father and children of course have no way of "standing up" to this kind of parent. Unfortunately what happens is that when the child grows he behaves to others (and especially his wife) in the way his father behaved to him.

This learned behaviour is now very firmly entrenched in your H. Change or modification is possible BUT only if he is motivated and has some degree of insight into his behaviour and the effect on others. You would need help from a good therapist.

You must remember of course that just as your H's father has influenced his character and disposition, there is a possibility that history will repeat itself with your children. There is also of course an equal chance that they will follow you, which would be far far preferable as I'm sure you agree.

If you are not ready to leave, try to get some support for yourself, counselling for you may help you to see things more clearly.

With best wishes and hoping you will find the emotional strength to do whatever is right.

A final thought. "A" cannot change "Bs" behaviour but "A" can change their behaviour which will change "Bs" behaviour.

and

"If you do what you always do you will get what you always get.

Lots of replies thankyou ~ didn't have access to PC last night.
Pielight~he may be insecure but the way he behaves is the same with his brother etc.I mean it is just him,not really because of any special circumstances.

Feel a bit worried because he's come home being really nasty and angry with me because things haven't gone the way he wanted~our ds might change school for the sixth form but wouldn't go and visit the new school today and he has been ranting and raving about how he is the one who gets things done and basically it's all my fault.Which it's not.Or could he have seen the thread?
He's just come back in

He's still looking very stony~am going to put ds to bed.He keeps making comments about me being on the PC I think he doesn't like me being on it.

my dh is always making comments too when i go near the pc it drives me mad

So let him see the thread!

I am half serious really.

yes total nightmare tonight~snide comments,wind ups,turned off PC just as I had waited 2 hrs to go on it!
Completely unfair behaviour and the only reason he is like this is because he's like a naughty little boy and there is noone here to stop him!
At the family gathering I mentioned the being too late for a day out thing and asked if that was a family foible[we were talking about such things,my SIL is very funny] and dh vehemently denied it as soon as I mentioned it!!So he knows it is wrong!
So I got the impression if we lived nearer to family,like in the old days,it would keep this sort of behaviour in check ~instead,he has noone to answer to.

Just read the replies from yesterday properly.
Pielight~he is insecure but from his upbringing,not from me.He and his dad are very similar~they like to irritate people and have a go at them for a joke and to get a response.

I have a feeling I want to move on ~it's hard for me to do this and accept he won't agree or take any responsibility at all.It's hard to take the fall out and not imagine things will get better at some point.But I have to remember he's never on my side and this is the worst thing and causes a lot of unhappiness in the family~we are not a team.He does do good things as well but at some point he withdraws and turns a bit nasty,or enjoys playing mind games because he thinks it's funny.
And I'm just a bit fed up with it all.

dcs back at school today am job hunting

What sort of thing are you looking for? I think it sounds like a very good idea.

I am going to try to go back to my original profession~it will be hard but worth it.
And if I find I struggle with the more competitive areas I can take an easier option in the same field.
I hope.

Thank you dittany.
I need to get a job asap.

katisha are you there?
Have gathered some careers info and guidance and am going to request an interview for a path forwards.
Find I'm a bit short of confidence!