to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Sorry Labyrinthine - but I honestly don't know why you keep posting about this horrendous relationship because you are still making excuses for your H and it seems highly unlikely to me that you will take any action. That's fine for you - it's your choice - but I think your children are all being emotionally abused.

Maybe it would be more honest to admit to yourself that you still have something invested inthis relationship and want to keep it going. Maybe the posts enable you to "get things out of your system" and then carry on as you always have done. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I think so many people have taken the time to respond so thoughtfully to you and I suspect they are wasting their time. I hope not though.

Hmm, I think getting a divorce is easier said than done, and I do think on MN you get 'You must leave immediately and take the kids' far too often, and it is usually completely unworkable. You can't make a snap decision to end a 25 yr (or whatever it is) marriage, it's really difficult esp. with kids, shared life, what else is there etc. Shaking up your life in that way is a pretty scary prospect. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time, at least it's building up a kind of 'archive' so hopefully laby can look back and add it altogether, with people's responses, so she can get a realistic perspective on it.

Why does this thread keep getting bumped? Because Labyrinthine is desperately trying to convince herself (and all of MN, apparently) that her husband isn't really abusive.

There have been many, MANY suggestions and pleas for Labyrinthine to get a solicitor. Has she? No, she's too busy complaining about her abusive husband.

Oh, wait, he's not abusive, he's just spoiled and must get his own way.

laby, you can take as long as you like,

you leave when you're ready

and you're not ready until you're ready

it may be that when you do leave you look back and wish you'd done it earlier,

trouble is, you couldn't have done it earlier cos you weren't ready!

I don't consider my time on your thread wasted. I don't have to come here, and you don't have to do what I, or anyone, suggests.

I think you do have to take some action and I feel sorry not only for you but for your children.

"Nobody owes anything to anonymous posters on the interenet."

Exactly, dittany. For all we know, this could be one heck of a troll. I don't really think so, but it crossed my mind after about the first ten pages of posts.

ok sorry everyone.
I have posted to get opinions about what he says.

No need to be sorry Laby - as you have said before, you use this post as a sounding board for yourself and that is fine.

I think the solicitor's consultation is the obvious next step, so that you know what to expect.

And by the way no solicitor/court is fooled by last-minute alpha-fathering. They have seen it all before.

thankyou katisha.
mumonthenet also thankyou for your wisdom...she has correctly summed it up as me thinking it would be better for the dcs to have stability then now realising it won't and following the advice on here to get independent and plan for the future which I have.

I have not intended to keep moaning and become irritating it is more me thinking out loud.
thanks all for your time

That sounds like a sign-off Laby - I hope it isn't.
Please stick around and think aloud at us!

Yes it takes a long time to realise what you actually think. It's all very well to say 'Come on, make a decision' meaning 'We've told you he's a twat and are now getting bored and we want some kind of resolution to this saga'. Well, real life doesn't work like that. Keep posting laby, if you want.

Laby, I hope Katisha's not right.

We're not here with a ration of time and the anonymous posters have to "earn" our "valuable" advice. If someone comes on here with a problem there is no bloody time limit in which they have to have solved it. FFS!!!!!!!!!!

We're here, well I am, mainly for some escapism, to avoid cleaning the kitchen, to read funny and intelligent comments. If I can "hold someone's hand" when they need it, even better.

But Laby, we would like you to get a solicitor's appointment so that you at least know what your legal situation will be for the future. Don't put your head in the sand on that one. It does not mean you have to start divorce proceedings - just think of it as an act of responsible parenting.(You can reserve your right to ignore me)

Come on here to grumble and moan whenever you like.

Come back Laby!

Laby: somethign very important to consider when you blame yourself for not loving this horrible, selfish, inadequate fuckup. You ae perfectly RIGHT and REASONABLE not to love him. But dont think that you ought to because he 'loves' you, he doesn't in the least. Love means being nice to someone, caring about their wellbeing - not pushing them around, belittling them and making their life difficult on purpose.
He has a massive sense of male entitlement ie he thinks that because you're a woman you're something like a domestic appliance or a disobedient pet that he can kick around and demand obedience from. Of course, he's undoubtedly a failure and a loser (racists are always failures who want to blame their failure on 'them'. sexists blame their failures on Women's Lib having Gone Too Far.)
Do call Women's Aid, they are the best for practical advice at getting rid of an abuser - from eveything you have posted on here there is a good chance you will be able to get him thrown out of the house and banned from returning (he manhandles you an your DD and is threatening and bullying, and will get worse if told to leave - you can have him carted out by a couple of policeman).

What an epic thread! Just read it from one end to the other.

Laby, would you consider setting a time limit, a date on which you will inform your DH that you are divorcing. Get everything in gear (following Xenia's advice), everything drawn up, replacement childcare sorted in case he disappears into the ether (can the teenagers look after the smaller DC for a couple of weeks? Extra pocket money?), then on X date (say, 30th Jan), you inform DH that it is all over, you have a house sorted etc etc.

Just slightly feel that without a deadline you will continue in this 'I am a strong an independent women, I don't love this man and I will divorce him', but not actually do it and suddenly find another couple of years of emotional (if not physical) abuse have passed.

Also pleeeaaaase try to consider the behaviour you are modelling to your DCs. You are teaching your DD (who obviously already has a medical problem to cope with) that it is acceptable to be in a relationship where one is abused/abusive, and teaching your DSs (especially the younger one) that it is OK to be rude/nasty/aggressive to mummy and any future partner he may have. Do you want your kids growing up thinking that is acceptable behaviour?

If you can't set a date, how about this: There's a really good book (name escapes me) that talks about breaking down to do lists into little tiny chunks. E.g. you don't write:

1. Speak to solicitor about divorce
2. Divorce DH

Instead, you write:

1. Find phone number of solicitor (easy!)
2. Find a couple of dates when you can spare the time for an appointment
3. Phone solicitor and book appointment
4. Keep appointment and discuss your HYPOTHETICAL situation if you were to leave
5. Write out a few more baby steps based on that meeting
6. Look into childcare options round you if you were to divorce and DH disappeared temporarily
7. Find numbers of CM/mothers helpers etc locally
8. phone ONE CM and see if they can help out

etc etc etc.

Hope this helps.

katisha hi.Thanks for the message lol.I did tell him last weekend I wanted a divorce and in that event he would have to move.Since then he has been more polite hoping I think that I was not serious.

Americanhag and nana please don't post.

Relieved to see you back Laby! What sort of Christmas did you have?
So he really doesn't believe you then? Does he still think the problem is all in your head or do you think he realises he has gone too far for too long?

Hi katisha [s
I think he sees me as a person again now I am working and he knows he has gone too far for too long.
I had a good christmas although worked a lot of it ...how about you?

should have been

just thought i would update.
dh has been extremely good about helping out since I have been at work lately,in the house and with the dcs,ironing my clothes,cooking,the lot....

but although the house is more harmonious I feel I don't love him anymore so I still want to split although this is a bit scarey

Hiya
Thanks for the update - Do you think you've shocked him into it with talk of divorce? And as I'm sure the MN chorus would point out it's not a question of him "helping" - it's not your job to do it all.

But as he is unlikely to have fundamentally changed I think you are right in thinking it is all too late really. You have had years of domineering and antisocial behaviour. Have you fixed up that solicitor's appt yet? (nag nag nag)

Hope work is still going well.

no have not made it but i promise that is because i have had no midweek time

he is cooking,tidying and looking after ds.
I am a little snappy with him ~I think I am "testing "him to see if he snaps...and snap he will i think

i don't know if you saw a thread of mine but i have got a crush on someone at work ~not available,no chance of an actual relationship at all but nice to know i am still alive lol

katisha ,mumonthenet,imlh,hi

I have been thinking a lot about the separation but am finding it really hard to know what to say to him unless I am angry...he has been very helpful and generally nicer lately and I know he will go mad saying I can't be bothered with the family etc which isn't true at all but I obviously have been home a lot less.
So what I mean is he will find a "reason" to explain me wanting to separate and that will be my fault...to be fair to him I told him he was unreasonable and selfish and he has improved but it doesn't make any difference to my feelings for him...and he is still quite negative and blaming just not as bad.
I know it will be hard being alone and sorting childcare but I don't want anymore
trips,holidays,meals,nights,conversations with him.

He has stepped intothe breach with the dcs but I have a feeling he will use this against me.

I get the feeling he is trying to save the marriage by saying we should go out for meals,on holidays,on trips etcand bringing me coffee etc in bed but I can't forget all the horrible trips we've had in the past and what a nightmare it all was so when he wants to go somewhere I don't go with him ...from shopping to staying with family or for lunch ~ just don't want to.

kat ~ sorry if I am rambling but if you are around in the next few days can you please make me have that chat with him again because I know he is ignoring what I have said and hoping I'll just leave it.

"So what I mean is he will find a "reason" to explain me wanting to separate and that will be my fault..."

Well that's why you want to leave him, really. I know what you mean, it is difficult to say to him that you want a divorce when he is now making an effort, but it is clear that the trust and love is totally gone, and you deserve better.