to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

The incident with dd was she swore and shouted while shouting she needed a lift and he told her to go out then she wouldn't and he made her go out by taking her to the door while she was hitting him[he didn't hit her]

I completely disagree with this approach and would never do it in a million years but would imagine quite a few parents might do similar things during arguments.

I imagine the dcs would all want to live with me but would stay with him sometimes ~ especially the youngest who is 8 would probably want to stay with him some weekends.
They are 18 16 and 8.

I am a very gentle person and abhor violence so am not tolerant about it at all.He has never hit me but once I opened a cupboard door and it bumped him and hurt and he lashed out his arm which thumped me in the stomach.I don't know whether that was just reflex to being hurt or anger as he thought it was intentional but that was many years ago.He can huff about in a stroppy manner and sort of obstruct you or push past you a bit sometimes.I'm not sure if that "counts".

IMLH yes I know he says awful things but we don't get along so he is continually having a go at me really to get me back for not caring about him anymore [as well as because of his personality defects]

Going back to my very first post tonight I actually forgot to say I told he and dd he is a bully and I want him out as I've had enough of him.

Then he spent time with dd in the tv room being really nice as if it was me being moody.

Interesting what you say about getting rid of your dh though..I suppose there has been so much time and everything invested over the years I just thought I was stuck with him even though I obviously don't consider myself in a relationship with him anymore.

Well yes I do agree and don't like it but it isn't any different in a way from time out with a small child ...he didn't hurt her he just took her by the elbows and made her go to the door.

I am generally quite tolerant of foibles. I would think twice about ending a relationship because of sexual infidelity, for example, whereas for most people that would be an instant deal-breaker. But I would not put up with being treated the way your DH treats you.

I'm not saying you have to do anything, but in defence of AmericanHag and Dittany it is hard reading about all these things he does (SO many), and seeing you not doing anything and thinking he's just going to get away with treating people like this.

I'm not sure what i think about the time when he walloped me in the stomach because the kitchen cupboard door hit him on the nose[accidentally].Is that reflex?

It's obvious the relationship is over for many reasons and if it isn't possible to maintain calm family happy life then the family will have to be split.

I think I already know more or less where I stand legally.

I am tolerant about mistakes and foibles and if it was just about him getting stressed it wouldn't be that bad....but he has put himself before me and the dcs over a serious issue I'll never forgive him for so there isn't any hope.

And once you establish that,I'm the sort of person who can hardly even look at someone I can't stand.

I probably still feel a bit sorry for him but I'll never forgive him.

He hit you in the stomach. It wasn't a reflex. Maybe for a toddler, but not a grown man.

Do you mind me asking what this serious issue was? You've mentioned it a few times.

It was a serious issue I needed help with and he didn't help.

He didn't listen to me and believe me and then went to sleep.Then a few weeks later when I was very down about this thing he wouldn't help me to go to the GP or counsellor or anything.

Wow, my eyes are sore! Have just read this from the beginning.

His behaviour seems to have got worse and worse and you even admit at times to being scared of him. Then you say hes not abusive but he hit you in the stomach. My dh's reaction to being hit with the door would have been to grab his face and over-exaggerate the pain in typical male fashion then laugh about it later.

You seemed so sure at one point that you wanted to leave but now appear to be swaying. Is there any particular reason for that other than the childcare because that can be sorted (childminders, breakfast/after school clubs, friends).

I really hope you reach a conclusion because reading this thread his behaviour actually has a sinister undertone and he seems to be enjoying it!

I can see that although mainly he is just lacking in certain areas of personality,empathy and social skills.

My posts may be uneven but in rl my feelings have consolidated re the relationship being finished forever and what to do about it.

I know you are in a difficult place right now so I'll apologise in advance for being blunt. I really hope you understand I'm not setting out to make hurtful comments.

"he is just lacking in certain areas of personality, empathy and social skills". That just sounds as if you are making excuses for him. If a friend in RL had a DH like this I would be telling her he is a wanker and offering her the camp bed.

If he's not like this with everyone else (which is isnt so that would probably rule out any sort of disorder which he cant control) and focuses this type of behaviour on you then you need to put an end to it.

Its also worrying how he seems to make DS2 play along with these games. You really have to ensure that this is stopped before your ds thinks this is acceptable.

I know I advocate them alot on MN but Womens Aid can be invaluable. If you really have decided you need to split they will be able to advise you on the best way for you to go about it.

Would also second what others have said, that you need proper Legal Advice (most initial consultations are free).

Xenia (who, just in case you are not aware, is a successful legal eagle) has already mentioned that you should not leave the marital home. Even if you ultimately want to end up selling you should stay put for the time being until your assets are formally divided to ensure you have a roof for you and your dc's.

I'm off to bed but so I'm not leaving on a negative note, just want to say that you seem to be a strong, intelligent woman. You really do deserve better.

Laby gosh things are moving on here!

Please go and book that solicitor's appointment so that you know how the land lies. It's important that you are not making decisions on what to do or not do based on assumptions which may be wrong. As others have just said, it's unlikely that a house sale will be forced while you still have young DS.

I hope he is not planning how to make Christmas utterly miserable for you but I imagine that's what's next.

sb I would say he is like this with other people ~ he makes comments about people all the time and is very intolerant,he does have a nice side which he shows with me and with other people so I don't think he is targeting me exactly ~this is partly his natural retaliation to being rejected by me.

Today he knows how I feel[about him] and so he has started to make me look bad in front of the dcs ~ he has suddenly arranged to go to the city xmas shopping with dd tom [unheard of previously ~lovely for her though]although I was supposed to be xmas shopping locally,and he said in front of ds

"Are you going to tesco?....No I thought not,because you don't do anything to contribute to this family!"

wth??

So now he thinks he is doing everything for the family as I am working f/t he will try to get the dcs on his side and have more residency of them ...I knew it

And this is what it is all about...I want the dcs with me which is why I have laid low so long .

katisha hi ,I will.It will be miserable because of the way he is and all the tension.

supersal..he can be kind and listen,he did that the other day and is better about that since I am back at work as there is more in common to talk about.He is being helpful around the house but it's his stress I can't cope with,everything is such a drama and he offloads it all onto me.

He loves me,he probably knows I don't love him and he only has one response to threat ..retaliation and fury.

He knows there is a problem,he blames me for the beakdown of our relationsip as I basically don't care about him now as he is so difficult and whereas I would have previously forgiven him that,I haven't been able to forgive him about the other thing he let me down about so now it's all joined up in my mind and I hate him.

You see he let me down before but I thought it was just his inadequacies not selfishness but this incident sort of proved he just didn't care and highlighted all the others.

I may take a long time to make my mind up but once made it's not likely to change and I literally can't stand the sight of him now.

exactly what I meant.
It is going to be very difficult to break up because of what he will be like but now I think the family is unstable and unhappy I think it's the best thing.

Hi laby

It is, as you know, AWFUL for the dc's to hear their dad say to their mum "you contribute nothing to this family". I doubt it will get them "on his side" as you fear, in fact the only result will be anxiety for the dc's. One thing that should be a nail in his coffin is his willingness to use the dc's in his attempt to come out top dog. His values are not the same as yours are they? - even if parts of him are sometimes quite pleasant.

You stayed because you thought laying low would create a secure and ultimately happy home for the dc's (and maybe for you). Now you need to leave to create that security for them.

Just some ramblings, typed as I thought of them. Not even proof-read so please excuse... must go out now.

Laby, I read the whole thread today. I am saddened by your experience. You must get out of this relationship as soon as possible because it is harming you and your children. I don't think DH will ever change - in fact he may get worse (believe me I know). I don't mean this in a bad way but you should consider that you are fortunate in that you jointly own property, he has a good income and that there is money/funds to enable you (and your dcs) to start afresh.

Please don't leave it too long sweet girl. He has deceived you with his 'love' and broken your heart. And do as the other posters have advised here, 'Get thee to a solicitor.'