to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Starlight, that's great in theory, but unfortunately emotional abusers are proven to rarely change. That would take a level of self awareness, and willingness to take responsibility for their actions that many of them just don't possess. Joint counselling isn't recommended for these situations due to the abuser's ability to twist and manipulate the situation to their advantage. Individual counselling is probably a more useful option.

I hear what you're saying about salvaging what's left, really I do, but having just ended my own 10 year marriage, I can assure you that sometimes there really is no more you can do to salvage a relationship with someone like this. Living an entire lifetime with a man like this must be torturous, and I couldn't have done it for anything.

"You know him deeply and he knows you."

Yup, he knows he can walk all over her and emotionally bully her without consequences, and she knows he's a bit of a cock. I think this has gone waaaaaay beyond 'talking it out'. I doubt he'll change. Nice idea, though.

thanks a lot for your support girls feeling a little brighter ~ I was ill yesterday which didn't help.

I am cross over him deleting x factor[did not see as dd was ill] told him he can have 20% of the recorded progs and deleted some of his[90% obviously belong to him].
He started talking about me in the 3rd person"What's up with her,is the dementia setting in?"[my mum has organic brain disease]etc
and he said "She never watches tv anyway she is always in the study talking to her know ~ alls on the pc!"

Not very nice to talk about you getting dementia when he knows your mother has a similar illness. Twatweasel.

Agreeing w/dittany here. Time to DO something and not just gripe about it.

Your husband is abusive. The abuse won't stop until you leave. EVERYONE here knows this. We're hoping that you realize it soon, too.

gripe?

The thing is I have done something like get a job paid into my own account,and establishing independence.

The job isn't easy and is taking up most of my time and energy right now and I need the childcare as it is atm.. I only just have enough c/c as it is.

If you mean I can't complain unless I file for divorce that's a bit silly because yes he is a bit of a bully ,a pain and I don't get along with him 50% of the time but that doesn't mean I have to get a divorce before I have decided things are bad enough for that.

I mean he is not abusive really is he,he's just a bully who likes his own way like a spoilt child.

He won't be leaving here at any point before a solicitor or court forced him to and even then I wouldn't want to stay here because I couldn't afford either the house or to buy him out.
So it would really be down to a court forcing the sale of the house ..the blame for which would come down to me for uprooting the dcs esp the teenagers from their home...is the family unhappy enough for me to do that to them?..because there is no way dh would accept a divorce without a huge fight.

So what are you saying you want me to do?There is only one answer on top of what I am doing which is divorce him now..is that fair to say you can't complain unless you get divorced?

The bottom line is I know exactly what he is like and I am under no illusion that given the chance I would turn back time and not marry him.
But the situation is as it is now and I am still not sure what the best path forward is yet.
I would love for him to have an affair and leave me,thaat would be great.. but it's not likely to happen and the path to divorce him is going to be very difficult.

Please don't start calling me passive because that's really not the case.... I genuinely feel both choices are going to be damaging for the children and I want to choose the least damaging time and the least damaging path.

labyrinthine, as the child of divorced parents, I can tell you that we would all be considerably better off in monetary terms if my parents had stayed together.

But my mother would have had a nervous breakdown when I was a little girl. If they had not divorced, it would have destroyed her and by extension, us kids too.

Don't underestimate the damage a terrible relationship, where one parent treats the other like shit, can do.

Sounds as if your choice isn't between happy families a la The Waltons and divorce spelling misery. It's between long-term, destructive misery and short-term pain that can be relieved.

I don't think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown ..this has been a period of coming to terms with the end of my relationship and probably marriage but I feel I have to put the dcs first..and I'll never keep house or do anything on his terms ever again but people do underestimate the damage separation does ~ especially the upheaval of moving at the same time.

I know he will cause a problem during and after the divorce and I've seen many threads by people with similar selfish and self centred dhs who have experienced this.

No, I wasn't suggesting you would, just posting about my experience to suggest that divorce isn't the worst thing in the world, and can actually be a huge relief for the children. Certainly was in my parents' case. Although I do occasionally think, 'oh, if they'd stayed together I'd be in line to inherit a house worth megabucks now'.

(Mind you, if they'd stayed together, all the money would have been spent on long stays at the Priory or something...)

dittany ~ the job has made me more independent but temporarily inconvenienced.

Well she attacked him actually hitting him on the head and he put her outside the door.

Is it really abuse?

I mean my current boss can be pretty sharp and slighltly on the mean side it is just a selfish,bullish personality who likes to tell people what to do and get there own way.

It isn't nice,it isn't fair and it is ridiculously stressy but it's not the same as abuse .

Well common sense prevailing I already know that only a court can make him move and I can choose to do that or not to.

I don't think it is fair to say I am deluding myself in any way because I am not doing that and it is not in my nature to do so.
I completely disagree with his parenting style.

It can seem so simple to say separate ~ but the dcs would visit him possibly half of the time of residency and he would still have the same possible parenting style.

There is no way he has ever actually smacked or hit the dcs so I don't think he would be restricted from seeing them in any way,do you?

Honestly, labyrinthine, almost every time you post on here it is because he has done something that is abusive, whether verbally or emotionally. I would personally get rid of my DP after even one example of the sort of thing you've told us about. We haven't got as much interest vested in our relationship as you, but that doesn't mean your husband gets to treat you with less and less respect. Get some legal advice. You don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to but at least you will know where you stand.