to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

My good friend is just getting divorced after almost 20 years of marriage and I have never seen her so happy in our whole lives (and we've known each other since we were 11). She stayed with him because of the kids and now regrets having stayed so long because the kids learned all sorts of awful behaviors from him.

well it's the first time I have said this to him [about separating]in a serious way rather than just alluding to it so I guess that is some sort of progress.
we are not speaking and it's difficult to imagine speaking coming back on the agenda.

This feels odd as if it is the beginning of the end.
Before this he was being quite good ths weekend but it all just drags you down.
I think I'mgoing to feel really torn about leaving because of all the shared history ~ I have been with him longer than I've been without him ~25 yrs.And it's not always been like this he just gets really stressed about everything.I can tell now he realises he's overstepped the mark and he's trying to be really nice.

laby, use this momentum to start thinking practically. Do you know what your financial position is? If you were to separate, would you have all the info you need? Photocopy everything now, while you're still at the planning stages.

Only you will know when enough is enough. Don't let a couple of days of behaving nicely affect your resolve.

Great news on the job by the way!! Thinking of you.

But just using the cooking argument as an example does it sound like a usual bit of bickering between a couple or like bullying to you?
He thinks it's ok to "wind people up" his dad does it and it is daft as much as anthing.like naughty children.

I remember that phase of my marriage of similar but not quite as long duration as yours, the first time I dared say I might rather he wasn't there.

And he might change and it may be okay but give it some time to see how it goes.

(And there's no reason to assume a woman not a man will "get" the children adfter divorce, though. That's very sexist and unfair on men who are close to the children; plenty of families share them or they do a week on and a week off)

xenia do you mean me re "get the children"?

I think they would choose to live with me no question.I'm not saying they wouldn't stay with him at weekends sometimes but for the older two [and to some degree the youngest]it would be up to them.

I think in a case where the mother has been a SAHM (so clearly primary carer) for the entire marriage and the children want to live with her, there is practically no chance she will not get custody. In general, I would agree with you Xenia but in this case the woman getting the kids is justified.

The not getting rid of the pan is because he can't throw things away and because he is stingy about buying a new one.

Money = control. A normal person would just buy a new pan. It is less expensive than divorce.

Inmy is right. In my case my ex spent a bit more of the time with the chidlren than I did although web oth worked full time for 20 years but even I was told as the older 3 had asked me to divorce him and didn't want him around adn would have chosen me the courts would nto split the younger 2 from the older and the wishes of the older would prevail. So yes, not much chance you will lose them unless he has been a house husband for the marriage or older children choose him. Anyway it ought not to be about choice. Both parents need to earn more after divorce as it's expensive so most parents who love their children ought to be thinking of ways they can help each other which childcare etc so each can earn more to support the children and each can spend time with them.

Keep the pan - he'll need it in his new place when you have to buy two of everything again.

I've thrown the pan lid away.
He is very stingy when I want to buy something for the house ~ won't let me choose anything as it's all tasteless modern rubbish etc[m&s or whatever a vase or bath mats or something] so I haven't bought much the last few years as the house is full of his antiques and collectables etc.

If I buy something he goes on and on about how "didn't they have a nice lightshade,why did you get that one etc etc"

It's all about control isn't it. And not respecting your choices or acknowledging that you have any opinions. Imposing his view of life on you. Not really a partnership is it?

The problem with Controllers is that they turn the world around so neatly that the Controlled doubt their own ability to rationalise things and draw the right conclusions. Your husband is a bully, Labyrinthine and has got so far inside your head that you've forgotten what a healthy relationship should function like.

Leave the bastard to his antiques and collectables. You'll be amazed at how good life can be when you aren't being dragged down by a controlling bully.

You keep saying he won't let you do this or that. What's the penalty if you go against his decree?

He is a bully.

The penalty is just making a huge fuss and going on and on about whatever it is with arguments and tantrums about what a waste of money/time such and such was.

Or talking about the item being horrible as a "joke" etc.

Then leading to "Where do you think all the money's going to come from?"etc etc

No.Think I need to seeing as everyone is unhappy.

Feeling really low had a rubbish day and can't seem to shift that low feeling.

hi, laby

I've not posted much but have been watching since your first post.

Sorry you are down this evening. Disengage from the git.

Make the pan lid a reminder of how your freedom will feel when you get it.

thanks mumonthenet.
I hope an early night will help as I feel really down.

Hope you're feeling better today, laby. Pay attention to your unhappiness and let it spur you on to change.

Can I add my view?

I felt really sad reading your posts, laby you seem to be heading towards separation.

But, you have been with this man a long time. You know him deeply and he knows you. He is the father of your children. Is there something that can be salvaged? What did you love about him when you first met?

The reason I say this is I fear that many relationships end, when they could be saved... have you approached Relate? Or some other counselling? Mediation can be very helpful.

I know he has treated you badly in the past, but don't be too hasty. People can change. There may be a compromise you can reach...