to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Thanks good advice there.
It might boil down more to me feeling I don't want to be treated with little respect on my own or around the dcs ...and what I can tolerate might be different to someone else who likes arguing or who doesn't mind about swearing etc.

Personally I don't like arguing and like things to be nice so it's all too much.

I have just thought of the root of the problem~
Dh uses me to offload all of his stress because he can't cope with it but at the same time can't admit it.

He can't admit any failings ~ that is not an option for him so he struggles through mistakes and disasters not apologising or seeing the funny side.

He won't ask for help be it if his car breaks down or he is ill so he doesn't sort problems out and they all mount up.

Which explains why he is so impatient,has to blame me for things that go wrong,gets angry with me and the dcs,is so intolerant.

I actually think he would be happier on his own as he would like the peace and quiet~ he finds it hard to be around people a lot and is always escaping.

Oh boo hoo to him. Everyone gets stressed sometimes, but they don't all treat their partners like shit.

hi laby, I posted on here back in August, my situation was similar to yours. I eventually reached breaking point in late September when his behaviour became increasingly selfish and erratic. We're now starting the divorce process (in the end he got impatient and actually filed against me for unreasonable behaviour! ) and although it's horrid and scary some of the time, there's also a real sense of relief at being free of the "should I stay, should I go?" dilemma.

And since the split H has reached new levels of cockery which only reassure me I'm doing the right thing! I think you'll reach the point where you do know what's right to do, but nobody can get you there any sooner unfortunately.

lol@boohoo to him ~ you're right!
Hi tiredof hope you are ok ~even when it's over it's not easy I imagine.Hang in there and keep me posted.

I look at my teenagers and it seems so obvious not to be with someone who makes you unhappy but when it's you you think you'll be able to sort it.
If that makes sense lol.

This is probably going to come out hideously wrong but I hope you understand what I mean.

I was talking to my BF earlier this week who was urging me to stop smoking. She is quite right, I'm an idiot and I need to stop. She reminded me that her DM, a smoker, had died aged 47 from a heart attack. I am 42. I still think I am about 25 so even though I remember this happening it has come as a bit of a shock to realise that I am now so close to that age and that I have to change my ways.

Life really is too bloody short to waste it in situations that are making you utterly miserable. Even if you live to 110 do you think you or your DC would ever be happy living with him?

We often don't have as long as we think we do so please, please labyrinthine do not waste the rest of your life, or even the next couple of years, with someone who clearly does not deserve you or your children.

That's so sweet wicked ~ I really can't believe how kind people are sometimes on mn.

And it's clear I'm not happy and not going to be happy ~ even if he tried his utmost to apologise to me and treat me in the best way imaginable from now on,I still wouldn't be happy with him.Ever again.

Thanks labyrinthine, that means a lot. The absolute last thing I want to do is make you feel worse than you do already but I very strongly believe that life has so much more to offer you than the way you are living now.

I really do wish you all the best.

When I announced we would divorce he started to buy me a birthday present for example for the first time in 20 years just about and started to let the children do things but in such a mad way - he would say no you certainly don't have to do your homework... anyway as someone else just posted above, initiating the divorce led to his conduct in most other ways becoming worse and vindicated what in my case was "our" decision. It makes it terribly easy if your children want the divorce and I expect I'm one of the few parents who have had that as then you're not torn. If they stay in their same house and schools and the person who makes difficult for the family goes that does make it seamless particularly for teenagers who above all want to keep their own things and friends and stability.

Another turning point for me was sitting in a Relate session and knowing deep down I didn't want to save my marriage. I just couldn't find the words to say so. It was such a farce.

Looking back I really can't believe what I put up with, for example, last Xmas I wrote 150 cards and bought presents for all of my and his family, plus about 8 individual presents for him as he likes having lots of things to unwrap. He got me nothing, not even a card or anything from the dc's. I remember him telling me he hadn't got me anything on Xmas morning and me thinking he was joking. Then I sat watching everyone else unwrapping their gifts later and realised he had been serious. He obviously couldn't care less about making me happy and was spelling it out clearly. There has to be better for us out there!

That's awful tiredof.
Last year my dh said for me to get something to wear which I did and he said he would get something ~ when it came to christmas day he was annoyed with me for not getting very much as I had apparently let him down by saying I would sort my own christmas then not doing it properly.He was so angry he wasn't speaking.
lol.

He usually has tantrums over something on christmas morning whether it's me wanting coffee before opening presents or once very bad when I had this bright idea of bacon sandwiches lol.

"...plus about 8 individual presents for him as he likes having lots of things to unwrap."

"He usually has tantrums over something on christmas morning whether it's me wanting coffee before opening presents or once very bad when I had this bright idea of bacon sandwiches lol."

Oh. My. God. What are these men, like 6 years old? That would be hilarious if it wasn't also incredibly sad.

There are a lot of those men about. I don't think not being good at presents is always that big an issue if they were generally nice to us (plenty of men don't have the mind set to remember birthdays etc) but it's easy to pick on those things. I remember my 40th birthday present going in the wheelie bin although he did get it out later but it's more how you're treated day in day out that matters. It's when someone whatever their sex stops caring about the other person.

Also Christmas brings out the worst in couples who don't get on. Our worst times were always family together times. Sometimes it's not even fair to blame the other half. It may be that the couple are simply incompatible and make someone else very happy but the bottom line is when you reach that Quantum of Solace being zero you get out. I told him and he was advised to live at home until everything was sorted which I could endure after 20 years with him, small price to pay.... but I said the one thing I wasn't havnig was another Christmas with him... so he took the little twins up to his parents a few hundred miles away with some excuse about my working (we didn't want anyone to know at that point) and the older children stayed here and it was the most peaceful Christmas for years. Lst Christmas I remember the chidlren saying it was their best ever (and we had cooked a roast chicken in our hotel room kitchen and eaten it on our knees but everyone was happy)

Yes but xenia your exh may not have been the same as other peoples ~ I think the traits my dh shows would come out with other people as soon as there was some stress like ..er christmas.Or a mealtime.
It has gone way beyond incompatibility.
I agree with the getting nothing from it though ~ I passed that point years ago but felt he would be so difficult it would be better to stay put for a quiet life esp as he would have had the dcs at weekends if we split.
Now at least the older dcs are old enough to make their own minds up.

Sorry meant to say not having presents is fine by me quite happy with that what I hate is being told off for presents I haven't bought for him to give me which is just too silly.

I think the present thing was just a clear indicator to me that he didn't care about me and that mattered more to me than the actual gifts tbh.

Ironically, I've only just found out he's spent £500 on treating OW to a secret birthday weekend in London.. and that's the bits I know about, God knows what she got as a present.

katisha and others just wanted to say something positive on this thread for a change.
Have done my first week of paid work and it's gone like a dream!!
So pleased.

Well done you! How are things generally?

Things are ok.
dh has had to step into the breach a bit with childcare and lifts so it's been a bit of a baptism of fire for him really.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Quite clearly he wanted an excuse not to go - maybe he had another arrangement, maybe he likes you not having a car so that he can control you? This is not your fault. He is the arse. But take your life in your own hands and do whatever you can to get this sorted - as other posters have said, leave the kids with friends / family and take a taxi or public transport. You can do this alone, and you do not need him!

Good news on the job front - fantastic!
Hopefully this will be a real boost to your self-confidence!

Thanks

Another drama.
dd has been ill I took her to the ooh dr but dh goes on and on winding everyone up.
But that is just me being irritated the real problem came when he lit the gas hob and put potatos on full gas and went upstairs ~ so I filled up the half empty pan as they weren't cooking properly and burnt my finger badly on the pan lid which is broken and dh won't let us throw it away.I turned the gas down because it is really fierce but it had already made the veg fluffy/mushy[a bit].
Also the range is on so there is no need to use the gas ~ he won't let me use the grill on the electric oven so why did he use the gas which reduces everything to mush and then blame me?

He came down and ranted and raved at me for letting them boil too long and ruining all his good work with the tea etc
"So is tea done..?"
"What has happened to the veg...what have you done to them?
I put them on and did all the hard work you couldn't even watch them properly!"

"I am the only person in this house who is competent etc"
"You've just given up on the house"etc
I tried to explain I had turned them down,they were only half cooked at the top,the gas was too strong,I burnt my finger etc but he wouldn't listen at all.

I got completely cross in the end and told him he is arrogant and always showing off about what he has done ~ I had cleaned the entire downstairs both days several times over the weekend and he ddoesn't even notice.
I am so fed up for being blamed for everything all the time.

I had been sitting down quietly doing the childcare arrangements etc.

I told him we have to sell up and get two smaller houses because he is impossible to live with,arrogant and a bit of a bully.

I then said actually since the dcs will be with me I think he'll find he is the one who will have to find somewhere else to live.

sorry for the ott post.

I hate him so much.