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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 14:17

No, actually it will be off he goes. You will legally get at least half of everything. If he doesn't seem bothered about saving the marriage by simply being a reasonable person, he will have to face up to the fact that you will get the house and he will have to pay money to support the children. He adds nothing positive to your life, and it is not good for the children to see their father treating their mother this way. See a solicitor now so you have all the facts, for whenever you choose to use them. You don't need to wait until your income goes up.

Do you know if he is having/has ever had any affair? That would give you extra ammunition.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 16:03

The house is big and I think
1/he simply won't go and he has said so
2/it would be better to sell and get two smaller houses from the proceeds

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 16:47

HE DOES NOT HAVE A CHOICE. IMO, the marriage has irretrievably broken down because of his unreasonable behaviour. That's grounds for divorce.

Sorry, but he has deluded you into thinking that he can do whatever he says he will, and it isn't true. Seriously, get a solicitor. They will give you the facts.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 17:17

I wonder how I would get him out though.

It is unimaginable that he would pay for this house and live in a rented flat somewhere ~esp if it is me instigating the separation.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 17:30

It is unimaginable to you because of the way he has been mentally and emotionally controlling you for years. Believe me, it is perfectly possible and legally justifiable.

Get. A. Solicitor.

Katisha · 28/11/2009 18:02

Laby I have just seen a friend go through all this. She was conditioned to think the man had all the control as she had been a SAHM all through the marriage and he controlled all the money.

The divorece is now goinmg through, he has moved out and she has the house for herself and the DCs. She couldnt have imagined this a year ago. They will sell the house when the DCs are old enough. She will also get maintenance from him.

You must absolutely talk this through with a solicitor who will tell you what your rights are and what will happen. Don't guess, or think you will end up with nothing. It won't be so. And he will have to do what he's told by the court.

No more excuses about the solicitor knowing you or whatever. They will he professional. And believe me they know all about this sort of man. They have seen it a hundred times, otherwise no-one would need their services.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 18:08

Iam scared to tell him I want him to go becos
1/he will be even more angry
2/he'll start moving money and telling the children"Christmas is cancelled you've got your mother to thank for that!"etc
3/If he thought he will be forced to move out he could get nasty maybe

Iam starting the new job this week .

If I go I wouldn't be able to come back and get stuff for the dcs.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 28/11/2009 18:16

Listen, my ex (5 childern, married 19 years) said he wouldn't leave. He stayed right until the bitter end, decree absolute, remortgage, transfer of house into my name, shipment of huge amount of cash to him (I earn more than he does). If he hadn't left at that point my lawyer said we could get a court order to remove him but of course they accept the inevitable and go; although there's no reason the faher and chidlren shouldn't say in the house. Let's not be sexist. Children of a certain can choose however and mine would have chosen me - indeed they'd asked me to divorce him.

There is no need to tell him at all for now. Do what I did. Go to see Relate on your own if that might help to talk over with an expert whether you want a diviorce. Then I saw a solicitor 6 months before I'd decided if I would divorce to find out if I'd lose the children (my ex spent a bit more time with them than I did) but I was told there was no risk. In the meantime may be open your own bank account, make sure you keep safe copies of bank statements, pensions, investments so you know exactly what you both have. Don't tell the children anything for now.

Then when you're ready and that may be next March even (I did it after a family holiday in the Carribean in which we all felt we were having to take it in turns enduring being with him) have the conversation. Tell him very clearly. We are getting divorced. I have seen a lawyer. This is what will happen. You will be receiving a draft divorce petition. - We sent a draft so he could comment on it. That you intend to remain in the home (we stayed here because i could afford to buy him out but you take your own legal advice on that - if the house is too big for your needs and you cannot afford to buy him out then you may have to move to a smaller house and to be fair he may want the children half the time anyway and they will want him in a decent house for when they're there rather than some cold bed sit).

Tell him the process and agree finances with him. We had no court hearings at all.

But be sure you want to. I hadn't realised my ex was as bad as he was until I talked about it. I think you can get used to how someone is and not realise not all men are like that. It is much much better ot be single even if you're like me - have all the children all the time (i have them 365 nights a year - he doesn't choose to have them) and work full time. It is still much better than being in a bad relationship. And he pays nothing but that's because I earn so much more and we manage and that's very rare. This is why you need your own legal advice as every case is so very different.

Judy1234 · 28/11/2009 18:18

PS you must not leave the home. No one would advise you to unless your life were in danger. If you get a divorce he will HAVE to leave. There would be no qustion. He might stay to the bitter end like my ex did and we had 7 months of constant arguments and discussions about how much I'd have to pay him and he saying he'd kill himself etc but in the end once things are finalised he'd have to go. you owe it to the children to keep them in their own house. Bad enough losing their father but to lose their home too is too much for many chidlren - they amy well if they're older choose to stay with him because they want statbility of their own rooms and things. The person who possesses the house normally keeps the children so just be careful if you do move out and if you move out to some awful tiny place the chidlren won't be happy.

InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 18:19

OK, some rational responses to your fears:

  1. "he will be even more angry "

So? Would it be better to put up with him being angry and treating you like shit for the rest of your life?

  1. "he'll start moving money and telling the children"Christmas is cancelled you've got your mother to thank for that!"etc"

Again - so would it be better to stay with someone this abusive? If he takes money away so you can't do Xmas for the kids then he's a fucking shit dad as well as a wanker of a husband, isn't he? By next year, you'll be away from him and receiving regular maintenance and next Xmas will be the best ever because you won't have an oversized childish twatweasel barging around making everything stressful

3/"If he thought he will be forced to move out he could get nasty maybe"

So what you're saying is you're living in fear? If he gets nasty (by which I assume you mean violent), you will call the police, he will be arrested and have a criminal record.

His is not the strongest will in the world. There are laws and courts and things much bigger and stronger than him that can stop him doing this to you. But as long as you don't do anything and just put up with his behaviour, nothing will change.

Do you have parents still living or any siblings? Any friends that can help you? If other people are involved he won't be able to do these things you've said above. He knows he can do it to you because you never fight back.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 18:26

Good post IMLH thanks so much.
I have friends no family.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 18:27

Do any of your friends have large and intimidating DPs?

InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 18:29

Also, him 'being nasty' really won't go down well when it comes to division of the assets...

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 18:30

And xenia ~good to hear your experience,
I don't know how bad it is in a way~I feel disloyal being so awful about him when althoughdifficult and cross and blaming for all I know some people may consider that the rough and smooth of marriage.

I don't know if he is actually abusive I do know he is a pain and I would be a lot happier on my own.But is that enough reason to split the family up?

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 18:39

He is abusive, no doubt about it.

Sorry to be blunt, but at the moment you don't have a family. Your relationships with your children are being poisoned by this man and it sounds like he is well on the way to turning them into miniature versions of his own foul self. A family based on emotional domination, threats and anger is no family at all.

AmericanHag · 28/11/2009 19:54

InMyLittleHead...great posts and advice.

Yes, labyrinthine, get a -lawyer- solicitor right away. Say nothing to your husband until you are legally advised as to what you should and should not say.

Again...talk to a solicitor, NOT your husband.

You said that you don't know if your husband is abusive. Well, he IS and everyone reading this thread knows it. You've been tolerating the abuse so long that you don't know any other way of life.

Get a solicitor. I'd say it a thousand more times if I thought it would get you to do it one moment sooner.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 20:04

katisha ~good to hear about your friend who is much happier now I'm sure I would be cos I am very easy going.I'd just love to be able to have the heating on when I want and buy what I want for the house without the spanish inquisition.

OP posts:
Sn0wflake · 28/11/2009 20:22

Just take the first step and get advice from a solicitor....that doesn't commit you to anything - just gives you information. You have total power over what you do. Just take that step.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 20:26

American ~ ok I will.

Of course I am only saying the bad things on the thread because they're the ones I'm worried about,he's ok sometimes.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 20:37

'He's OK sometimes...' Definitely a case of 'Not good enough, you're fired'. (him, not you obviously!)

He is a wankstain on the duvet of humanity.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 20:46

HaHa that's funny

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 20:58

I can come up with lots of more puerile amusing terms to describe him, and I will...IF you get legal advice!

Original poster
labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 21:06

lol
I will

OP posts:
Katisha · 28/11/2009 21:19

Knowledge is power, Laby!

Judy1234 · 28/11/2009 21:22

There is no rush and you just need to think and take advice and split if you choose to do so at the right time. No one had ever divorced on either side of our families ever. It was a very hard decision for me to take. I should probably h ave taken it earlier.

Ian Fleming who wrote the James Bond books wrote a story - the Quantum of Solace. It's point is that once the quantum of solace you are getting out of the marriage is zero that's when you leave. Only you can tell when the quantum is zero.

"I don't know how bad it is in a way~I feel disloyal being so awful about him when althoughdifficult and cross and blaming for all I know some people may consider that the rough and smooth of marriage."

I felt exactly like that. Lots of people aren't that happy together and life isn't some kind of romantic fairy tale and being a single parent is no picnic. There's no need to rush into these things. Just keep thinking about it.

"I don't know if he is actually abusive I do know he is a pain and I would be a lot happier on my own.But is that enough reason to split the family up?"
Also decide if you just feel like that when you've PMT or when other pressures are on you - in other words is it him or you. YOu want people who also are in favour of sticking it out to talk to you too. it's all too easy for people to persuade someone to leave. You need objective consideration of it. I found it very helpful to email a friend when I was trying to weigh up how I felt and then to take legal advice.

Your children are probably not as old as my older ones were but it was when I knew I was staying with him just for the sake of the children and each of the older ones individually came to me to say I should divorce him that I knew it was silly to stay together.

And what is someone's abuse is someone's normality. Only you will know what you can tolerate and what not. All I can say is that for years there seemed to be for me this huge taboo of divorce and through the other side instead it has been so much better. Very hard work but such a relief not to have him around. It's so free.

Also yes take legal advice but also then take your own decisions. We decided to have no legal hearings and that we'd rather each other had most of the money than lawyers. Don't get dragged into long winded legal stuff. Just reach agreement on money and then get it drawn up in a court order and don't let any lawyer persuade you to spend a lot of money and time. Just find out what your basic rights are. Don't leave the home.