to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

My friend last week was saying her dh gets moody but if she asks him about it he apologises and says he didn't realise he was doing anything..

but with my dh if I ask him why he is ignoring me or if he's cross etc he either says it's me or ignores me or gets angry and insulting.

He often says things like "Get lost then if you don't want to watch this programme,off you go" and "Get out of here then" or little things like if I don't say something he has made is really good straight away he keeps saying "Don't you like it then,it's too healthy for you they don't like things like this in Scotland do they ?" etc etc

Oh my God, why don't you just chuck him? You'll get the house and the kids and he'll have to pay maintenance. That'll give him something to complain about.

Oh dear bad evening.

I was watching x factor and dh was making insulting comments about all the people in it and singing loudly through the songs ~after asking him to stop singing many times etc I was cross and said he was being stubborn on purpose like his dad and it doesn't make you very popular and he said"Who cares about popularity ..You can go to hell as far as I'm concerned" and was getting ds to sing and make a noise etc too.

ds obviously felt he had to agree with dad and do the same as him.

I mean it doesn't sound that bad now but saying go to hell in front of ds was quite chilling ~I think he's really angry today because he shouted at me earlier when I said his trainers were quite summery~he went ballistic.

He knows he has lost me and he's getting very stressed it's almost like his personality is disintegrating or something.

Long ago when his mum was ill he screamed and swore at me very loudly in front of the children in the car it was really scary and I think he's getting a bit like that now.He keeps telling me to shut up and getting really angry.

I don't want to sleep in our room tonight.

Also I wonder if I move out can I take some of the dcs stuff like furniture etc as I can't afford to furnish a whole new house.I don't think he'll let me take anything.

I think we should sell everything and split it and live in two new houses.
Why does life have to be so rubbish.

You're being too generous imo - no court in the land would split things 50/50 between you. The children and you will be able to stay in the house you're in, surely.

Sounds like it's got to the stage where you need proper legal advice. You say 'he won't let me take things' - it's not up to him anymore! Once you've got legal advice you will know your rights and be much more able to stand your ground with him.

I know I'm entitled to half or whatever but I mean he won't let me take anything out of the house.

My ds1 has just gone out to his gfs and it's probably stupid but I feel a bit scared.

I can't imagine getting any photos or pictures etc he'll go ballistic if he doesn't keep all the personal items most of the stuff is his anyway.He goes mad if I move any photos or pictures as it is.

The weather is horrendous outside,the phone isn't working properly and ds1 is not here and dd is in bed.
I'm starting to feel a bit scared of him I can't put my finger on why ~its like he knows he can't control me and its all over.

It's OK - you don't need to do anything now. If you're scared, maybe stay up until he's gone to bed (has he already gone?) then go to sleep in another room? I don't know what to suggest. My gut reaction would be that you're probably not in any danger from him, but you know him and I don't - go with your instincts.

Do any of your friends and family know what he's really like? If you can get someone to come over while you're taking stuff away, he won't be able to make a scene. Do you have brothers? Any friends' brothers or husbands?

Yes don't worry IMLH I do feel in a bit of a panic but I am a bit of a wuss and hate any unpleasantness.
He is not in bed yet.I'm going to find the phone.
I think he will be ok if I don't provoke him.

I'll be honest, from what you've said throughout the thread your husband sounds terrifying.

I am a bit scared of him and he can be a bit aggressive if pushed and I'm getting the impression he is on the edge a bit atm.

next time just try to remain calm ... say 'when you decide to discuss this matter (whatever issue) with me in a proper manner, WE will be able to sort it out'... leave the room and carry on as usual and ignore his nonsense ... isnt that basically what we do when the children have an outburst and are being unreasonable!!!

Best plan is to simply not rise (or fall) to his tune
He might respond better in the long run and helping him have a better attitude will give you room to tell him he's been sweet and thoughtful about something (anything)and you tell him so ... he might be that way more often if you do .... compliments can go along way and knowing someone has some appreciation is great feeling.
At least when he's being an idiot he only has himself to blame and the ball is firmly in his court to put it right.

jeez Im a looneytune ... I got the first pages and then realised after my post that Im actually about 3months behind in this!!!! sooooooooooo sorry for my silly first post xx

Im up to speed now and rightly so there are alot of people quite concerned for your well being.

Your priority is about your safety and seeking good legal advice now.

you know it actually sounds like he has mental illness ... do you know if he might be taking any drugs?

I'm ok.
I slept in with ds2.

Good luck labyrinthine.

Looks like we're in the same boat with our abusive H's unfortunately. Tip toeing around, taking the insults and the blame. The drama. Actually - my H and I are pretty much broken down now so it's just silence. I prefer the silence to the 'let's go over again about how much of a failure I am' though.

I've posted over in Relationships about mine (thread title feel so low). I've been advised there on some books to read about abusive men and breaking free which look really helpful/good - I wouldn't be able to read them here in the house but I'm going to see if they're in my local library. They might help you too

Just wanted to check on you Labyrinthine - are you OK? {{{HUGS}}}

Has anybody spoken to Labyrinthine since she last posted on here? Has she posted elsewhere?

I think you're spot on, LeQueen

Hi there ~ have been either working or asleep this week but thankyou for checking on me and your advice.
Lequeen ~yes that's him I think and I seem to end up feeling sorry for him.
Things have been more settled after not speaking all day sunday/monday.
Today at 8 am he said
"Who left these matches on the side you know I hate them can you move them?"
Me "It was ds1 and no because you don't tolerate our foibles so why should we tolerate yours?"
dh "Just because you grew up in a filthy house with fag ends everywhere doesn't mean I want to ..it's disgusting .. rant rant"
[not true obviously]
So basically a tantrum when he doesn't get his own way.
If he had spoken nicely or said please I would have moved them for him but he was just ordering me around.

He also fell out with ds2 2 nights ago ~ I wondered when that would happen.

Dh being very irritating and saying how he has revolutionised the washing and cleaning since I have been back at work .
lol.
Have been home today ds poorly ~ love being home with him but feel very irritated at always having to cook tea for everyone and wash up as well as having to worry about ds pick up time every day.

It's not fair to have to deal with all the house and childcare as well as starting the new job and having to study ~hope I don't get stressed what with christmas and all.

sorry just a blatant moan I'm sure no different from any working mum's routine.

Dh is very angry again
He is as rude and unpleasant and as difficult as he can think of to be ~ it's on purpose I'm sure.

Everything I say and do is wrong he is just desperate to have a go at anyone.
Sooner or later I think he will blow a fuse.
But he can be fine in front of work/strangers so he can control it really.

What's the plan Laby? Are you just biding your time now?

I'm so upset~he has just had a massive go at me in front of our ds2 about not doing enough washing up,washing and drying etc.
He's really angry because he wants me to keep house to the level I always have and I can't I've got too much to do.

I hate him so much.He loves arguing in front of ds trying to get him on his side.

katisha ~ my plan was to stay until my job and income started and hopefully sell up but I'm so unhappy I am going to have to tell him I want out.
And his response will be "Good,off you go then"

It maybe he resents his money being spent by all of us as well ~ which is good because he can have all his money to himself when we live separately.

Our joint account would close and he would have his own account I guess.I have my own savings account but would now need to get my own current account.

We would have to sell and then I would get some capital to buy somewhere.

My income would sustain the new house.

Any capital we have atm ~ we are just about to cash in an endowment ~I must make sure I get half of straight away because it's legally half mine ~ we took it out together years ago.