to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Well I suppose he is never like this with his dad although he is like it with his brother and sil.

He is usually very good with aunties etc and fine at work although not very communicative to staff.

He found ds1's hamster dead today and put it in the bin [with ds2 ] ~thought that was odd because normally he used to bury them in the garden.

I went out for a meal with a close longstanding friend last night and had a chat about dh [and her dh].
She said she has always thought my dh behaviour is down to stress but also as if there is some underlying reason why he is like he is ~but then we said he's an adult so you can't just excuse everything.

I once had a period when I had mild PTSD [after horrendous ds issue dh let me down over and which started this big fallout and reevaluation]and it was as if my head was so full that any further problem or even questions could make me feel totally exasperated and unable to cope with my feelings ~maybe this is what he is like but can't admit it?

The issue I am referring to I still think about at some point every day and when I do I just get this feeling of hatred for dh that is so strong I know I will never forgive him [not that he has explained or apologised ]and will obviously never rely on him in any way.

Does he realise you have this issue over what happened still? Or does he think there never was an issue?

Is this something you would benefit from talking through with a counsellor about? Say Relate, on your own?

Have you ever had the chance to talk about it properly with DH and for him to actually register what you are saying?

You may not be able to change him, but you may be able to change the way it is making you feel, and help you to see more clearly how you move on - whether staying or divorcing.

He knows I have a problem with this issue from the past and when he has explained has said different things at different times

"I was ill"[that's why he didn't respond properly at all]
"I didn't say that"[he did]
"How do I know ~ I wasn't there when it happened was I?"[then he shouldn't have insisted he so vehemently that he did know].

It's just fantasy,ridiculous"[it isn't]

I had counselling and emdr but it didn't help very much.Eventually it reduced and I could get on with things but I still feel guilty about it and angry about what happened ~ so maybe some more would be good in theory but in reality I found going through it traumatic and the therapist was unable to really help.

When I wasn't sleeping and eating properly for 2 to 3 months he not once offered or agreed to help make an appt with a counsellor or the GP[even though I asked him to].I had to do it myself and see the paediatrician with a friend[the same one as last night].

I have come to terms with it about 80% I would say,the other 20 % I guess I have to live with.

Oh dear Laby - it sounds like you have done all you can. It doesn't sound like you are going to get anywhere with this man does it.

A showdown over the bonfire.

Dh lit a bonfire but it was too wet to burn so he put paraffin on it and I told ds to stand back ~dh said no he's fine.

Then it flamed up a second time and again told him and ds walked right up to the fire where dh was and dh said "He's fine".

So I said to ds when it was about danger to listen the first time and ds and dh both then saying be quiet.

A friend of mine is moving from a lovely house in the centre of town ~think I might have a look at the details.

For fuck's sake, get rid. When does he EVER make you feel happy?

Never anymore and not much overall.
He has been much nicer today no idea why but it's so unpredictable.

He is undermining your parenting as we know.
Yes - go and look at that house.
Get out. Reclaim your life and your children. I reckon staying will do more damage to them than going.

And see a solicitor to get your facts straight.

This is a pretty sad thread really reading it through ~ not anywhere near what some people go through but not fun.

No - it's not what some people go through, but as you said much much earlier, is it want you want for the next 20 years...

You have changed, and I think that is positive.

It's not what I want but I don't want to upset everyone having to move house...it never seems the right time but maybe I'm getting there slowly.

I need dh to look after ds while I am at work on nights and weekends.

Really good day today at work ~ love it so much.

dh being better ~ bought me something today and seems much less grumpy.

back to normal here ~ dh huffing and puffing this morning and left dd behind so I had to take her and ds to school

no doubt he's getting stressed because I am at work...which is odd because he's supposed to be stressed because he is the only worker

Don't ever let him push you out of work because he doesn't like it - sounds like just the sort of thing he might do..

He likes me being at work but he isn't used to being part of the family unit and having to think about anyone but himself.

So by my calculations that was a grand total of one day of dh being nice,cooperative,talkative,interested...

It was quite nice while it lasted.

But it didn't last.

I haven't posted for a couple of days because I have no idea what to say now really.
It's great about your job and that is a really positive thing to come out of all this.
But if you can't do the job without him being there to look after the DCs then I don't know what the answer is.
I doubt he'll ever change so it may be a case of good job but crap DH from here on in. With him throwing wobblies whenever the mood takes him. He probably knows he has got you over a barrel with this one.
Ideally I reckon you would separate and take DCs but then what do you do about the unsocial hours job...
Do Relate with him? Insist on it?
I wish someone who has been through this could advise you.

katisha ~ don't worry that's fine.Most of the time I'm thinking out loud as it were.

I'm in a period of transition atm I think and I'm sure things will move forward when my work is more firmly established.

If we did separate, the weekend childcare could still be covered by him~and I would have to get enough in place in the week time.
I'm just in the process of setting childcare up into a more practical arrangement long term and when this is settled it will be easier.

I feel it's probably better for ds2 to leave any big changes on top of work for 3 to 6 months ~ but that gives me time to plan.

I haven't decided what to do for definite but I've come a long way towards it.

I feel a bit off colour today and don't feel quite myself so sorry if a bit garbled am tired but thanks for your input I don't think there really is any more to say either atm ~ because noone really knows what he is like [and he can't give his side]and as I said he is not an evil abuser as such just selfish and domineering.

I think it could be summed up by saying I wish he could be nice and easy going most of the time because I feel happy then,but he isn't like that certainly lately a lot of the time so I'm unhappy and wish we wern't married anymore.

Yes - as you say - period of transition. a good way of looking at it.

He is being really angry and not speaking still in fact I was quite worried last night that he had seen this thread and knowing him he would never see it from my pov would just think I have taken all "his" money all these years and now I'm working I don't need him anymore.

I asked him why he wasn't speaking and what was wrong and he just said "Oh shut up will you ".

Knob. What's the need to speak to you like that?

Well at least you don't need to worry about the money - if it comes to the crunch the court will give you due recognition of your role as SAHM and all that.
No he may never accept it, but tough.

Don't pander to him. Don't let him have the satisfacton of seeing you worried. Just go somewhere else and read or something.

As above - knob.

Like a stupid surly teenager, and if he has seen this thread I hope he has the grace to examine himself.