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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/10/2009 20:38

Well someone on here might know what the legalities are, but do go and see someone and see what your options could be.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/10/2009 22:25

Maybe I could do it online.

Tonight he keeps talking about me to ds ~like "I'm just winding your mother up"and he loves it when ds does something I don't approve of ~ like shooting something at the lightshade ~ he laughs to show how great it is.
But then this morning when ds fell over the bag dh left in the hall from their trip dh was like "Be more careful and watch where you are going ds"

Now if I had put the bag there then dh would have been "Your mother's left this bag in a dangerous place are you ok ds?"

Which I now remember the thing I hate about his attitude the most is that everything from the weather to ds falling over would be my fault,whereas anything turning out well in any way would be down to him.

Over a long time that actually makes you quite anxious as you are responsible for all the problems and are sort of "damned if you do and damned if you don't" as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 01/11/2009 15:26

Kat or any kind person help please

dd was being rude and swearing and shouting [argument about boyfriend]dh said stop or you can go outside and started to take her bowl of food away from her ~ she then hit dh around the head , he told her to go outside she wouldn't and was hitting him on the head he took her to the door by her arms and physically put her outside the back door.

I don't approve of dhs handling at all but dd was behaving badly ~ she thinks dh was totally in the wrong he thinks she was totally out of order.

How do I handle this ?

I told dh he should have walked away and I told dd she shouldn't have hit dh round the head.

What do I do?

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 01/11/2009 16:10

laby it sounds like you did all you could do.

I hope all has calmed down now. Keep your eye on the bigger picture and get the advice about the house ownership etc.

Have been watching your thread. Sending love and support.

Katisha · 01/11/2009 18:55

Eek sounds like a nasty little escalation...
Yes they are both in the wrong, but taking away food and physically manhandling a teenage girl outside seems an odd way to settle an argument...

God knows what you do though - How are you feeling about it all? What is the situation now?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 01/11/2009 21:23

Thankyou both for replying.

What a performance!

Dd has a serious medical condition which is quite difficult to cope with and has had side effects from the medications ~but can't excuse everything on those grounds ~ but she isn't feeling too well atm and is getting really worked up about it ~ even so I have had stern words with her today about being rude and selfish.She also needs some medical advice tomorrow.

Dh is not the most communicative person as we know and he just decided he'd had enough of her behaviour ~ fair enough ~ but pushing her out the door and locking it was just ott.

I've been trying to study all afternoon and have had so many interruptions it's not true.

She has stopped going on and crying now and I have told dh I wasn't happy and I just hope this doesn't make ds miserable as well.

sigh.

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/11/2009 22:11

Frankly it sounds like you have 3 children, and dh is the worst behaved.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 01/11/2009 22:23

4 children lol

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 01/11/2009 23:06

I have ds1 ,dd and ds2.

Over the years I have always tried to minimise the effects of dh's outlook and less than tolerant stance on things for the dcs.

But I wonder on a day like today if this has been right or wrong ~ or if I should have just left.

I suppose I felt by looking after the dcs almost entirely alone then the effect of dh would be very slight.

And he wouldn't have them alone for weekends etc,I would be there.

I think I will have to leave at some point.

Today dh wouldn't listen to me to just leave her be and although she was being awful,I know how it is when he just gets a bee in his bonnet about something and really has a go at you ~there is nothing you can really say.

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/11/2009 23:45

Ah sorry - have miscounted the number of DCs!

Well I think the general consensus on threads I have read on here is that staying together for the sake of the children is not always the best idea, for all concerned.

And dh seems pretty happy to play mind games against you using them, doesn't he...

Go and see that solicitor and get your bearings on what a divorce would really entail. I think a concrete appointment with a real person would be the way forward, rather than trying to research it online. It would maybe focus you.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 01/11/2009 23:51

I will try ~the only reason I said online is because here we know the local solicitors and it is a small town.

It's all about putting up with things so as not to upset everyone and ruin their childhood.

Then there was ds and then there was dds illness.

OP posts:
Katisha · 02/11/2009 09:50

Can you go somewhere else?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/11/2009 23:14

I could go to the town where I work ~ didn't think of that duh!

I have just done something quite landmarky[lol] ~ I put down my bank payment details for my new job as my own account[not joint].

This is only so the funds can be saved separately for certain things but it still gives me the feeling of autonomy that has been so lacking in my life ~ a great feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 06/11/2009 21:35

Not sure what dh will say about the money going into my account ~ he will go ballistic I expect ~ and I do think with good reason ~after all he has supported me all these years ...BUT I don't have any power.. and I'm still willing to transfer it.. and I can't get credit for my car ..and he still earns way more than me ..so I think it is justified for now.

Don't know if IABU though.

But good news today...starting to get much better at my job now.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 06/11/2009 23:21

I've read this thread from the start.

Financial autonomy is a really big deal. If you don't have it, you are just leaving the way open for him to manipulate you even more. He may have supported you financially before but he treats you like shit quite a lot of the time too. Don't feel obligated towards him.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 06/11/2009 23:36

IMLH ~ thankyou for bothering to read this thread ~
I had no income for some years and although all his money goes into a joint account between us,I haven't had money to call my own ~not because I am a lazy person but because I couldn't get back to my previous profession easily because of the dcs and the hours etc.So his busy and well paid job was protected and I covered everything else.

OP posts:
mrsasp · 06/11/2009 23:37

Message withdrawn

mrsasp · 06/11/2009 23:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
labyrinthine · 06/11/2009 23:44

mrsasp I agree and it has crossed my mind.

He seems unaware of any hurt caused and I honestly don't really think he sets out to be nasty to me,it's more to do with getting exasperated,unilaterally deciding to call a trip off,not discussing anything and being in his own little world.

Which is also interesting because I have always wondered about my ds1 who had sensory problems when he was little[I hadn't heard of it then]and tantrums over tiny things.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 06/11/2009 23:47

Yes he has never said sorry ~ he doesn't seem to understand the concept of it at all.

I mean he has feelings but he has no sensitivity for others' feelings ~ everything he deals with are "facts".

He also stands in front of me a lot and in doorways.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 07/11/2009 00:03

Can one suddenly develop Aspergers? I thought you said before he was quite chilled out...

I have seen quite a lot of men who reach middle age and start thinking, hey, the world was made for me. The balance of power between them and their wife is altered as they both age and he, as a man, becomes more 'attractive' and valuable in the eyes of the world (how many middle-aged women are there in the public eye who are genuinely respected and not just vilified?). This can be worsened if the wife has stayed at home for the kids and doesn't have the same level of income or career success. Society so often tells us that these kinds of status are the most important, and that you are genuinely a more important person if you have them.

They just seem to realise that they are in the position with all the power - they are quite confident that however they behave their wife won't leave because a) the kids b) she hasn't got the guts/won't be able to function without him or c) the wife won't find someone else to replace them. So there is no restriction on their bad behaviour, which most often finds expression in being controlling and emotionally abusive, which your 'D'H is imo.

It sounds to me that your H is thinking in this way (I do not think by any means that this is all men btw - most are lovely). If you make him realise that his bad behaviour will have consequences, then he will have no choice but to stop treating you badly.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 07/11/2009 10:16

IMLH yes as mentioned earlier on the thread that could well be the current scenario but I was looking for anything else which might explain it as well.

I think as I have said before unless he does turn out to have Aspergers or something,this relationship is effectively over for me as I can't excuse what has gone on before.

So even if the power is evened out now I am working,I'm not happy with having had to fight for respect and power ~ I expected it as a matter of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 07/11/2009 12:52

He certainly gets stressed/is especially difficult/has tantrums very often on saturdays ~ being difficult today as usual about who does what when so what I don't understand is what is so difficult about a saturday?
ditto holidays/christmas/trips.

Is certainly coming over today as difficult and selfish but maybe that is how aspergers can appear due to communication difficulties and lack of empathy?

OP posts:
Katisha · 07/11/2009 13:37

Yes but surely if it was aspergers it would manifest at work as well? Is he like this at work do you know? Or does he reserve this behaviour for you?
You have said before that he is able to turn it on and off depending on who he is with.
I suspect he is reserving for you frankly.

InMyLittleHead · 07/11/2009 15:53

I would be very wary of assigning the Aspergers' label to be honest. There are a lot of people who are difficult and selfish for no good reason, I am sure far more than have Aspergers. And what Katisha said, is he likes this with other people? Is he likely to be able to do the work he does with the problems Aspergers' brings?