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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:

Original poster

labyrinthine · 24/10/2009 23:59

OMG I have just read about narcissism and it all fits ~ maybe narcissism tendencies rather than the full personality disorder but my jaw was dropping with the descriptions of behaviour.

How depressing.

OP posts:

smokinaces · 25/10/2009 07:38

Labyrinthine, I have only just read all this - and need to say good on you for what you are doing.

My father was very similar to your husband (the biting chunks out of Ds's chocolate is what struck me) but as well as that he was physically violent to my mother. It soon leaked into abuse against the kids too.

My mum couldnt leave, as 20 years ago she had no work, no career, no money - and no way of taking us with her. So she put herself through college, got a degree and a teaching job, and then moved us all. Best thing she ever did. They were married 16 years or so. She's now happily married to a lovely man.

What I'm trying to say is, there is a better way. You dont need to stay with a partner like that, and good on you for trying to better yourself and your life. I hope things go well.

Katisha · 25/10/2009 13:20

Laby I feel bad about not mentioning narcissist personality disorder earlier now, as I know (sadly) a fair amount about it, albeit slightly second-hand.
From what you have been saying about your DH it didn't seem that full-on but only you know what he is truly like, and whether you have effectively been in denial about his behaviour for years, as most NPD victims are.

As you say, I hope it's more a case of him have those tendencies rather than the full-on thing, but even so, yes, it is likely that he will try to make you suffer in some way for not allowing him to totally control you.
But it's great that you can see all this now - it's a question of how to handle it.

Have you looked at the Lundy Bancroft books that many on MN have found so helpful, and another one by Patricia Evans? If you look at Patricia Evans on Amazon you will see several useful titles. And the Lundy Bancroft one is this

They may feature more extreme examples that you get, but are still very illuminating as to mindsets etc...

Original poster

labyrinthine · 25/10/2009 14:18

Hi Kat
We weren't speaking this morning but now he is "back to normal",speaking etc.

Re NPD I don't suppose he really has that but maybe some tendencies ~main difficulties are ...not seeing things from other peoples perspective,being overly competitive,changing the truth to make himself look better/get attention/not take responsibility ,manipulating things to get his own way,never saying sorry,inability to communicate,putting other people down and bigging himself up.

I felt a bit scared last night hate things like that.

He seems to have these sort of tantrums and you can't get through to him at all and he also always makes it difficult when he is supposed to look after the dcs ~he usually gets angry and winds everyone up.

On a more positive note I have been doing well at work .

Thanks for the links will have a look.

OP posts:

bloodredcherrymonster · 25/10/2009 15:23

hi labyrinthine, i have just read this thread from the beginning, and i just had to comment.

i put up with being in a similar relationship for nearly 5 years, and nearly 2 years ago now, i finally found the courage to leave. i have never looked back!

yes i am now on my own with 4 children under 11 (two youngest are his), but for the first time in ages, i have been free to do what the hell i please. if i decide on a saturday morning that i want to take the kids to the pictures, or the park, or anywhere else for that matter, i no longer have to sit and wait for him to decide if he is coming or not, only to be told after 2 hours that he cant be bothered to go, when all the kids have gotten really cranky and the trip would turn into a disaster.

my advice to you is, if you can leave, do it! i have never regretted it for a moment. ( my partner was physically abusive as well, and hurt me on a number of occassions)

Original poster

labyrinthine · 25/10/2009 16:45

bloodred thankyou for reading and I'm really happy to hear your story and how you have made a happier life for yourself and your family.

Maybe the difficulty with me is that although dh is very difficult he is not abusive and certainly not physically so ~ although when he is angry like last night it gives me a horrible feeling.
And I do think he can be a bit of a bully so it's not ideal.

It's just rather an unhappy state of affairs.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 26/10/2009 17:35

Belittling you, making you afraid of what he might do or say, making your life difficult in all sorts of ways, making you 'pay' when he is asked to do something for you; all types of abuse but more subtle than out and out violence. But they do just as much emotional damage.

Jux · 26/10/2009 21:32

Labyrinthine, you do realise that he's going to throw everything he can at you so that you fail at work, give up and go back to looking after the dcs? He is going to step up his campaign to get you back under the thumb and being the woman he wants, so he can go back to being in charge, in control?

Don't let it happen. You are going really well in your new job by the sounds of it. Please don't let him upset that as it will teach your children a lesson you don't want them to learn.

One thing, very early on on this thread, you said if you split up he would have ds. I'm curious about that - why would he? None of my business though.

(And finally, yes, I'm sorry, he is abusive.)

Jux · 26/10/2009 21:33

Don't let it happen. You are going really well in your new job by the sounds of it. Please don't let him upset that as it will teach your children a lesson you don't want them to learn.

One thing, very early on on this thread, you said if you split up he would have ds. I'm curious about that - why would he? None of my business though.

(And finally, yes, I'm sorry, he is abusive.)

InMyLittleHead · 26/10/2009 21:39

Have just read the thread from the beginning, and this is emotional abuse through and through. He should treat you with respect and not totally try and put you down all the time and bash your confidence. That is not love. And, for a slightly less high-minded reason, if you did get divorced you would clean him out, no question. Let him think on that.

labyrinthine · 26/10/2009 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Katisha · 27/10/2009 09:14

OMG Laby - how fantastic - many many congratulations!
When do you start?

Original poster

labyrinthine · 27/10/2009 18:32

Thanks

In about 4/5 weeks...

OP posts:

Katisha · 28/10/2009 15:58

Everything OK Laby?

Original poster

labyrinthine · 28/10/2009 23:09

Sorry yes everything ok thanks kat ~ the stifled scream was a joke about it being not long till I start and the withdrawn message was just about tmi in rl.

dh away some of this week so peaceful ~but he has been ok since the weekend debacle.

OP posts:

Katisha · 29/10/2009 14:44

Yes I wasn't worried about the screaming!!

Original poster

labyrinthine · 29/10/2009 22:58

Oh ok well everything was ok when he was away but not so good now he has come back ~ back to the old routine I guess.

Dh came back tonight and although it seems ds has had a lovely time dh has been angry since I got back ~not speaking and obviously cross but not saying why.

It eventually transpired [from dd] it was at least partly due to me not eating the leftover soup he had made before leaving.

This is the first he has spoken to me tonight ~ no explanation or anything,didn't even say hello when I came in although he has been away since tuesday ~when I asked if they enjoyed themselves and everything was ok he said "ds has been full of beans".

Anyway brilliant day at work ~ I've made loads of friends and when I told one of the team I was starting with them soon he said "That's brilliant,I'm really pleased"~I was worried he might think me a liability but he seemed very pleased which really has made my day.

OP posts:

Original poster

labyrinthine · 29/10/2009 23:25

And ds is so sweet I've really missed him.

So shall I ask dh to leave/leave myself [with dcs]?

Because I hate not speaking it is so painfully tense.

Dh is ok when he is being ok ..but that isn't very often.He just seems to want people to pay in some way all the time.

OP posts:

Katisha · 29/10/2009 23:37

Sounds like the end of the road is in sight doesn't it?
Presumably you would keep the house as you would have DS?

Original poster

labyrinthine · 29/10/2009 23:58

I have asked him before what would happen if we split and he said he would never leave as it is "my house I've paid for it ~ you can go where you like,off you go then!"

I think all the dc would choose to live with me but if dh stayed here the dcs would have all their stuff here so if I left that would seem
1/like me leaving them all or
2/me uprooting them all to a second house

OP posts:

Fibilou · 30/10/2009 00:17

"I have asked him before what would happen if we split and he said he would never leave as it is "my house I've paid for it ~ you can go where you like,off you go then!"

How naive is he exactly ? This is not how a family court would divide the assets !

Katisha · 30/10/2009 07:49

Laby - if you have the children then you will have teh house - that's how it is. He is bluffing and will get a rude awakening.WHy don't you go and see a solicitor for an initial (sometimes free) consulation so that you know what your rights are and can operate from a position of fact, not bluster?

Original poster

labyrinthine · 30/10/2009 18:09

Yes maybe I should do that ~ I know what he is saying is not corret but how do you get someone to move out if they refuse to go?

In any case we would have to sell this house and split the proceeds I should think~ do you need both homeowners' consent to sell a house?

I find I'm always looking for a reason why he is in a bad mood ~ why is he??

mind you last night though he wasn't in a bad mood with ds/his dad etc,just with me so he can switch it on and off.

OP posts:

Katisha · 30/10/2009 19:22

The court would sort it out. I think you would have to sell the house when DS was 18 or something. He would also have to give you a share of the assets, which you would be entitled to as his wife of x years. Being married means he cannot just hold onto stuff he considers that he bought with "his" money. But please do see a solicitor and get it all straight in your head, so that you don't get fooled by his bluster and also so that you know what you are dealing with and don't hold yourself back with wrong thinking.

It may be that you need to show him you are serious about not putting up with his treatment of you for any longer. My suspicion though is that he won't try to change in order to keep you - sounds like his habits are too far ingrained and he would rather be miserable, sadly.

But you (and theDCs) don't have to be held back by his determination to live a grouchy, snipey, arsey half-life, as you have already proved with your work success.

Original poster

labyrinthine · 30/10/2009 20:21

I guess to split the assets properly we would have to sell up ~ unless I felt I desperately wanted to stay in this house which I don't as it is too isolated and expensive.

Or I could stay here so as not to change things too quickly for the dcs but I am certain dh would not move out.

OP posts:

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