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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a woman can't consent to sex if she is drunk

99 replies

suedoenym · 31/07/2009 22:57

Is it wrong for a man to have sex with their partner if she is so drunk that she can't walk and has to be carried to the bedroom?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/07/2009 22:58

Probably. In fact - if she can't give informed consent - then yes. Why?

msled · 31/07/2009 22:59

I'd say yes, it is wrong.

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:00

Well if she is unconscious then obviously she can't consent but I suppose you can be quite plastered and still consent.

How drunk do you mean?

Niftyblue · 31/07/2009 23:00

Yes I do
Why?

Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:02

Agree with Metella. You can be very drunk and still want to have sex. If you said "no" at any point, then obviously a very different situation.

TrillianAstra · 31/07/2009 23:03

Different people get drunk differently. Some people's legs and sense of balance go while they can still talk (and be very loud about what they want/don't want). Other people would be able to walk up until the point where they were actually unconscious.

dittany · 31/07/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:04

Why? Because it happened to me 3 years ago and I still can't get my head round it. I have some memory of what happened (was told afterwards by partner that I was "up for it" and it lasted a couple of hours) but I was in and out of sleep/consciousness. I don't remember saying no though.

OP posts:
Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:06

If you were in and out of sleep and consciousness, then that's inappropriate imo. Was he drunk too?

dittany · 31/07/2009 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:07

No - he was completely sober..

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/07/2009 23:08

Yes - informed consent. You can be hammered to the point where you can't walk and still want to have sex - if it's your partner then hopefully he'd know. A stranger/someone you don't normally have sex with should not have sex with an extremely drunk woman as she may not be making a rational decision. It's a bad idea at best - it could be rape at worst.

Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:08

Very odd then....did you ever talk about it afterwards?

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:09

Ah no, if you were drifting in and out of consciousness then that's not right.

Sorry this happened to you, suedoenym.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/07/2009 23:10

Oh shit. That sounds very wrong. That sounds like rape actually. If you were semi conscious and have no memory I'm not the sort of person who forgets things no matter how drunk so if I had been told I was up for sex but couldn't remember anything I would not have been able to give true consent in that condition. Poor you. Not current partner I hope.

dittany · 31/07/2009 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybright · 31/07/2009 23:12

I have only once been so out of it that i could not of consented and i had actually had my drink spiked.

So i can never really understand the whole complete unawareness thing although i know that it happens and some people have complete mind blanks. That's not to say i have not done and consented to some pretty stupid things while pissed.

How long had you been with your boyfriend? I think if i had only known someone pretty short term i would be upset about it.

Original poster
suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:13

We did talk about it but he just kept telling me that it had been good and I'd really enjoyed it . I was going through a bad time at work which is why I'd got so drunk and I think he took advantage.

OP posts:
msled · 31/07/2009 23:14

He definitely took advantage.

skybright · 31/07/2009 23:15

It puts a different slant on it you saying he was sober,i imagined two folk the women far more pissed after a night out etc.

Sits a bit uncomfortably with me..so sorry suedoenym.

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:16

I think he probably did take advantage of you, sue.

Most people have agreed to all manner of stupid things whilst drunk but your scenario has a bad feel to it.

prettyfly1 · 31/07/2009 23:16

I dont agree with this at all and think that if a person doenst know you and does this it is at best taking advantage. HOWEVER there was a thread about this last week about a MAN who was drunk and said yes to sex with a woman he wouldnt normally and the general consensus was not rape. I think its a very blurred, very difficult line.

dittany · 31/07/2009 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:18

Oh, missed the bit about him being sober - that stinks even more.

So sorry, suedoenym - have you ever talked this through with anyone else? It must have been playing on your mind as it is quite a while ago.

Original poster
suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:23

I am still with him, dittany. I was just sitting here tonight mulling things over cos he's gone out and I do think it is wrong but he is so convinced that I was up for it. The bit about him being sober though has made my mind up. I hadn't thought about that before actually.

OP posts: