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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a woman can't consent to sex if she is drunk

99 replies

suedoenym · 31/07/2009 22:57

Is it wrong for a man to have sex with their partner if she is so drunk that she can't walk and has to be carried to the bedroom?

OP posts:

dittany · 31/07/2009 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:30

Was it a one-off though suedoenym? Has he done anything similar before or after?

Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:33

Was it rape though?? I'm not sure that it constitutes rape. Inappropriate and icky in the extreme, but not rape.

Original poster

suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:35

Metalla, I don't think I've ever been that drunk before or since. I can't think of any other time where I've felt it was wrong.

OP posts:

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:35

Well, that's it paolosgirl.

Frankly I'm amazed that he remembered it. Or maybe suedoenym doesn't get drunk very often.

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:37

x-posts suedoenym.

Could he just have messed up rather than it being something sinister? Maybe he genuinely thought you wanted it. I wouldn't want to mark him as a rapist if this was some sort of aberration.

Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:38

Sorry - metella, it's probably because it's late, but I don't understand your post

Paolosgirl · 31/07/2009 23:38

x-posts - now I get it!

Mumcentreplus · 31/07/2009 23:39

I have to say I have had it off whilst drunk and not remembered till I was reminded..or I noticed i woke up naked....my DH would never have sex with me whilst prostrate..some times i get told off the next day for starting something I can't finish...

Do you feel upset about it sue like he took advantage?..or is it just the feeling you had no control/can't remember?

Original poster

suedoenym · 31/07/2009 23:45

Mumcentreplus, I think it upset me because he knew that I was having a tough time at work so I was quite vulnerable (emotionally) and I got so drunk that he had to carry me from the car to the house. I think he should have just put me to bed.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 31/07/2009 23:54

Well if that was the case then he probably did take advantage of you..has this happened before?..do you feel like he would do this deliberately?..sorry you feel this way sue

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:55

But it only happened that one time, suedoenym, didn't it?

I know that my dh once tried it on at a time when I was drunk and in distress - looking back I can think "What was in your head, you nutter?" but he just didn't see it like that. I don't think he was a rapist or whatever - he just got it wrong.

dittany · 01/08/2009 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherryblossoms · 01/08/2009 00:14

dittany, i don't know, but I think metella is, very gently, trying to find out what sue's dh is generally like, and whether there are other issues in the relationship.

Agreed, even if this is a one off, it raises issues for you sue. But it would be of a different sort of concern if it's part of a pattern.

Hope you're OK, sue.

cherryblossoms · 01/08/2009 00:19

Though, sue, since you have asked for opinions, I will say that your post has made me worry. I really don't like the situation you've described and I think it sounds more like rape than any kind of consensual sex to me.

I'm really sorry. And again, I hope you're OK - and that this thread isn't making things worse.

Original poster

suedoenym · 01/08/2009 00:25

Thanks Cherryblossoms. I'm OK. I hate the thought that he raped me (and can't really get my head around that) so I would prefer to just think it was wrong of him to take advantage and really insensitive.

OP posts:

cherryblossoms · 01/08/2009 00:29

Well, you don't have to think about it in a rush, you can take your time. But I'm wondering why you're thinking about it now. Is he OK otherwise? Is it completely out of character?
You don't have to answer any of those questions. But if you do find yourself thinking about them, whenever, you know you can always come back to mn and explore it a bit more, if you don't feel you want to do that with RL friends.

It is a big thing to get your head round. Take care and look after yourself.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/08/2009 01:03

Well it was definitely insensitive and selfish of him. As others have said, though, it's worth thinking about it in terms of what sort of a person he generally is and how he treats you and has treated you since.

Scorpette · 01/08/2009 01:24

So he was sober and had sex with you for hours whilst you were unconscious with drink, but it wasn't rape? And he truly believes that you being so comatose that he had to carry you into the house and continued to be unaware of what was going on was consent? Really?

This shocks, disgusts and worries me: what sort of man could find you a turn-on in that state? What sort of man would find that scenario a turn on? What sort of man truly believes that an unconscious partner is 'up for it'?

This story rings so many warning bells: it's not both of you being tipsy and him making a bad judgement call, this is him taking hours to do what he likes to you whilst you are unaware of what he's doing and unable to stop him or participate. If you read this story in the papers about a stranger doing this to a woman he'd picked up, what would you think? You would be sickened and think some pretty harsh things about the guy. Just because you were dating does not make it somehow okay. Legally, what he did was rape.

I hate to make things worse, but are you sure that was the one and only time? Can you be sure he's never done it to anyone else? Can you be sure he hasn't done it to you since (ie if you were deeply asleep)? And, sorry to ask this, but can you be sure he didn't film it or anything?

He sounds like a freak. Being sexually insensitive is something like wanting a shag when your girlfriend/wife has a cold (and then doing nothing when rebuffed). Not treating her like a blow-up doll. This is not normal behaviour. It's not just 'one mistake'. I dunno where you should go from here (but if it was me, it would be out of there, ASAP), but I think counselling has to be part of it. Sorry if I've come across as harsh, but you need a wake-up call. What this guy did to you was wrong, wrong, wrong.

posieparkerinChina · 01/08/2009 03:48

My DH did this, well not carried me up the stairs but I was the most pissed I had been in years. I didn't say yes or no and he thought I was groaning in a 'yes' and consenting style. I was very cross the next day and he was deeply sorry saying that if I was drunk (he was very drunk too that time) then I would have to initiate sex or be very explicit in my permission. I agreed. He felt terrible.

sleeplessinstretford · 01/08/2009 09:10

it's giving me the shudders-why would someone you love treat you like a piece of meat?
horrible,and as someone who was 'date raped'as a teenager-i think what happened to you is worse than that.
I am not sure what you can do about it now-if he treated you like that then,how does he treat you now on the whole?

Original poster

suedoenym · 01/08/2009 19:22

Oh Scorpette (and everyone)- I know it was wrong and I know that you're right. He did take pictures on his camera which is why I knew about some of what had happened (as well as some vague very drunken memories). He wanted to keep the pictures but I made him delete them all. Our relationship isn't great. I'm not sure why I'm putting up with him.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 01/08/2009 19:37

He took photos as well?

Have you thought about leaving? You sound really unhappy.

Original poster

suedoenym · 01/08/2009 19:56

I am unhappy but leaving would be a massive step - we have 2 DCs and I couldn't bear not to have custody - he works p/t but I work f/t and he has told me before that he'd fight me for the kids if we ever split up.

Problem is that I can't help feeling like it's my fault for having a shitty relationship. Stupid, I know I should be stronger...

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 01/08/2009 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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