to think that a woman can't consent to sex if she is drunk

[suedoenym]

Is it wrong for a man to have sex with their partner if she is so drunk that she can't walk and has to be carried to the bedroom?

Thanks Cherryblossoms - I'll post under relationships.

It's not a platitude. While I think that any woman who feels that she has been sexually abused by her partner (whatever the circumstances) ought to be thinking very hard about the future of her relationship, there is nevertheless a very valuable lesson to be learned from the OP about the interests of self-protection.

Just don't get blind drunk, ever. It is a silly and pointless thing to do.

Anna your comments are disgusting and depressing.

The natural conclusion of them is that women should not go out by themselves etc.

When a woman is assulated it is the fault of the assailant, no matter what state the victim is in.

And if you can't get pissed with your own DH wihtout that meaning it's fine and normal for him to assualt you... That's just the strangest thing I've ever heard. I have been pissed loads with my DH. I wouldn't expect him to rape me. FFS you are completely mad.

can i just jump in and say that just because you don't have any memory of an event that happened under the influence of alcohol does not necessarily mean that you were comatose at the time...

... i went to a very interesting lecture by neuroscientists who study the effects of alcohol on people and apparently it affects the ability of the brain to lay down new memories - in some people this can happen at a relatively low level of drunkeness. So you can 'forget' events that you were fully participant in.

Also, if you were upset at the time you are MORE likely to remember it as strong emotions mean memories are MORE likely to be laid down (which is why very drunk people can still remember very embarassing or very angry or upsetting moments in a night that is otherwise a blur).

So.... ok, the OPs partner might be a bit creepy, the relationship might be shitty, but the OP cannot say for sure that she was not an active participant in the sex that night. I guess it all comes down to just how creepy and inapropriate she believes her partner could be

If it's sex acts which the OP never ever normally agreed to, and she was so drunk she couldn't walk and had to be carried, and he took photographs of her, and the whole thing lasted a couple of hours...

fluffles i agree with you to some extent, but even when hammered people normally only stretch their boundaries a little more than usual, they dont normally start happily indulging in all the things that, reading between the lines, the partner had wanted in the past and been refused.

This situation sounds horrible.

"The natural conclusion of them is that women should not go out by themselves etc."

Nothing I have written here, or believe, can lead to that conclusion.

What I am saying is that women should stay in control of themselves and take good care of themselves. Getting blind drunk is pointless and irresponsible. Of course it is.

But anna there are many other ways that women can end up in situations that they are not completely in control of, other than getting drunk.

Suedo - really concerned by what you are describing and I hope that you are ok?

I think that you should maybe consider contacting your local Rape Crisis centre or - if you call your local police and ask to speak to their Domestic Abuse Dept they will very likely be able to direct you to local services who you could talk to about what has happened with your partner.

If you reported this incident to me then I would record and investigate it as a rape - I appreciate that you feel you don't want to classify his behaviour as being that serious but I assure you that if you did feel that you wanted to report it then it would be taken seriously and investigated seriously. It makes no difference that you are partners, or that you were drunk - consent always has to be explicit and clear.

I think the comments about the OP in some way contributing to this incident are unhelpful. She is not responsible for her partners actions.

TinofSpam - sure, we can all end up in situations where we are out of our depth through no fault of our own. But surely, where we have the ability to keep control over ourselves and our senses, we ought to do so - and if we don't, we should learn the lesson!

"Dear goodness, the lesson from this is that this man is not to be trusted, not that being drunk is a bad idea."

You think there is nothing wrong in getting drunk, dittany?

There is absolutely nothing wrong in getting drunk. Its not illegal and its up to the individual. Its their choice. Being raped is NOT their choice. And whilst I agree that it may leave an individual at more risk, its not an excuse for someone (let alone a partner) to take advantage.

I have always argued that the jury system, whilst not being perfect, is the best thing we have in this country. I always question that belief when folk like you come along.

Anna - being drunk is legal - rape is not.

Alcohol consumption does not appear to be the crux of this issue but perhaps a big issue for you.

The person at fault in this post was sober.

Two separate issues here.

One is about getting drunk and whether that is a good idea or not.

Another is about men sexually abusing women and whether that is acceptable or not.

if you have problems with women drinking, anna, which you obviously do, maybe start a different thread about it.

This idea that if a drunk woman is assulated it is her own fault is something I find abhorrant. It wasn't the fact that suedonym got drunk that was the problem. It was that fact that her partner took advantage of her/assaulted her that was the problem.

Women should not ever have to take responsibility for the actions of men. Especially not sober men that they love and trust.

I wondered how long it would take before Madame popped up.

Ignore ignore ignore. She posts for effect - you all know that. No point at all in trying to reason with her. Seriously.

Sorry you have had such a distressing experience with your partner. the circumstances around the sex as described by the OP are pretty disturbing -the photos, in and out of consciousness, unusual acts the OP wouldn't normally consent to.... sounds like something more unpleasant went on than a genuine but mistaken belief in drunken consent. Agree with other posters' suggestion you contact Rape Crisis for support.

Yes this sounds far worse than a drunken mistake (as can sometimes happen with partners who are decent people - when both are drunk and one is horny...) a decent man will stop immediately when asked to stop, and apologise. Not carry on for hours and take photographs.
Sorry this happened to you OP and I agree with the others who have suggested you contat Women's Aid or a domestic violence organisation.