to feel that 'young mums' shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush?

[ElieRM]

Am about to turn 19and DD is 7 wksold.At baby clinic, which I attend fortnightly to get DD weighed and discuss the odd issue with HV, have made a great deal of effort to be friendly to other mums, all of whom are 30+. Can never get more than a curt 'hello', often attract sneaky, unpleasant looks and feel although I'm being judged because of my age. Other mums are happy to sit and chat together, I tend to leave as soon as all necessary business is completed.
Also often attract unpleasant looks when out and about; general concencus of opinion about younger mums seems to be very Daily Mail, all on benefits, single, no prospects, councilhouses etc etc
I KNOW not everyone thinks this, but AIBU to feel a little hard done by? After all, DP and I are in a comitted relationship, we dote on DD and are both students' DP is working flat out to support us over summer, and we're both fully intending on completing our degrees and paying our way!
Often see other young mums swearing at kids, shouting etc and can completly understand why people form opinions. However, should we not be judged on our indivual merits, both as parents and people, rather then simply by the age we gave birth?

What would Posie then do if a 19 year old approached her? Ignore them? Explain she'd rather not chat as she was certain they had nothing in common with them?
I find your statement about 'investing' in young people patronizing in the extreme. What give you the audacity to assume you've got anything to invest in me that I don't have already? Especially as you judge people's merit on their spelling. One wonders how you judge the spoken word...

Hun I am in South East China, the world is not all GMT. There's a big wide world out there, you should try it.

Try admiring their pushchairs

Also ask them where they live, what other groups or classes they go to, if there's any good parks to go to etc

It gets easier as they get older and start playing with other children. Then you can start up conversations with the parents of the child your child is playing with iyswim.

Try NCT coffee mornings and the smaller baby groups cos then they have to talk to you and include you in the conversation.

Also you could try something like baby swimming, baby yoga or baby massage.

BTW I am 20 (21 in a couple of weeks) and my best friends are 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 25, 26, 28, 29, 34 and early 40s (not sure exactly how old she is) so there is quite a big range.

I know what you mean, I was 19 when pg with DC1 and after they were born someone at the hosp said to me (as i was gettign ready to go home) 'so have you got all your benfits sorted out'. I was like 'oh the child benefit thats in the bounty pack isnt it?' she looked uncomfortable and then I explained that both DP and I worked full time in pretty good jobs so I didnt think I would be entitled to anythign else.

It really annoyed me , I didnt plan to get PG so young but when it happened, we were happy together, had been together fo a while and could afford it so why wouldnt we go ahead.

I also always used to get asked if we were still together, in the end DP got me a ring that looked like a wedding band (i loved it and picked it out) just so people woudl shut up.

as you can see this is a bugbear of mine lol

Just one more thought, if you stopped making assumptions and thought beyond your initial conclusion, you may get somewhere. My posting name is posieparkerinchina...the clue was in the name. Accusing me of being an alcoholic is really silly.

funky that is so spot on, i have had people ask me similar about DP and About Benefits, its not just the ignorance that annoys me its the sheer conviction in the way its put accross, i mean its not like as soon as you hit 30 you would never have money issues or relationship issues... bugs me majorly also!

Am with you on the ring front also, am waiting for mine to arrive (very excited - not seem them but DP has really good taste ans knows me well, it was meant to be a aurprise actually but thats another story ), DP has bought me an engagement ring and an eternity ring, so hopefully that will stop the accusatory glares etc. We do intend to marry eventually but i dont get why people automatically see that as a qualification that you are in a strong relationship i always thought children were better proof than jewellery, to be blunt. I know a friend who went through with a wedding even tho the guy she was marrying beat her up on the morning of it, so dont automatically think weddings = relationship for eternity...

i cant help thinking though i wasnt judged on my age what else would they judge me on? which is sad but i have been judged on my area in the past,a nd the car my partner drives. Its just disheartening

Posie I wish to converse with you no further so after this i will say no more to you and talk to the sensible and thoughtful people who are also engaging in this discussion - I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIDING THE THREAD!!!

I just think its a shame its not people's automatic reaction to be nice any more. Surely, with babies being so lovely, its easier to just say something pleasant?
It is the prospect of a new life, with all that potential that should draw attention, not the age, social circumstances or marital status of the accompanying parent.

funky- as above. if you wre leaving hospital, why would someone assume you would be more interestedin benefits than your lovely new baby? how rude, and good on you for setting them straight.

It does get better ElieRM I was 19 when I had my dd and although I felt isolated at first too young for 'normal' baby groups and too old for teenage baby groups (its where I got my mn name from) once dd went to playgroup, nursery and school people became more accepting.
My dd is now 9 and some of her best friends parents are the same age as my parents however we get on really well, some of them have told me that they are a bit jealous because I am more in touch with modern music etc than they are however dd still finds me hidiously embarrassing!
There are people who cannot see past the end of their noses but there are also lots of lovely, friendly people. Good luck and congratulations.

I remember sitting at a coffee morning (my first ever) when pregnant and me and a friend had to suffer a conversation along the lines of "what are you doing being pregnant now?! you should be living your life and having fun! enjoy yourselves!! when I was your age I was partying in LA" etc etc.

We were 28 and 26 respectively but they were tipping 40. All relative I guess.

I had my first baby at 20. I had been with dh for 4 years and we were engaged and bought our first little house. We lived in a very white middle class village. Everybody was so nice to me on the whole. One old lady in the village insisted on popping in to "check on me" regularly which annoyed me a tad but everyone else was surprisingly nice. I was really scared to go to the village mum and baby group to start with as I knew it would be full of people 10/15yrs+ older than me. I finally plucked up the courage to go and although I made no life long friends everyone chatted to me and I ended up running the group for a while! The hardest thing for me was being the first out of our circle of friends to start a family but I guess that can happen at any age. just wanted to share my positive experience. The only negative person was one paticular midwife on the post natal ward who for some reason had it in her head that I wouldn't be able to cope and wouldn't let me go home. I sat and sobbed for hours, horrible woman.

holdingittogether how long was she going to keep you on the ward for? Until your DC was ready for school??!

We had a trainee HV who ignored everything we said. She also asked questions like did we own our house etc. I am 27! Wish I'd told her to naff off. But she'd probably have put me on a list

I think it was because i was breast feeding on demand. She was hownding me all day asking when did he feed, when did you last change him etc etc. I thought I wasn't supposed to do things by the clock so wasn't paying any attention to what time it was, this didn't please her. It was day 3 so hormones all over the place and milk just come in. Until that stupid woman came on duty they had kind of left me to it. As soon as she went off shift a lovely mw took over and seeing how upset i was sensibly knew I would be happier at home and could see ds was well fed and cared form and happily discharged me. I complained to my community mw about what happened but nothing came of it.

Some people will judge you whoever you are when you are a parent. Try hard to just ignore it, it is them who and their babies who are lacking because of their intolerant judging attitudes. It's particularly hard not to care at this stage postnatally though - isn't 6 weeks supposed to be the height of baby blues?

You will probably need to develop a thick skin (think most parents do) but watching your daughter thrive in your care should help with that. Make sure you look at her for proof of your parenting skill and not at what strangers think about you.

Posieparker - I have to say calling someone a 'f%£*wit' is not very honourable or respectful, it certainly wouldn't lead me to believe you were a remotely honourable or respectful person. It might make me think 'takes one to know one'

...I would want to avoid someone so obviously volatile.

Well put, Curiosity. She didn't come across well. It was a nasty, personal attack.

curiostykilled- Thank you. I do honestly believe after a great deal of thought that much of what I'm feeling is due to being all over the place hormonally, dreading leaving DD to return to my degree, fear of failing as a mum etc etc
I imagine in a years time it will glance off me! Thank you for such thoughtful and insightful advice, I hope all the other young mums that read it will take it to heart.
holdingittogether- what an appalling story. was the mw in question poorly trained? she must've been to not realise the importance of bfing on demand. how terrible she gave such a terrible time when she should've been supportive and respectful of your wishes. did you complain?

Curiosity... I think you'll find I did not start the name calling. As for personal I was not the first either, just because someone comes across as weak and vulnerable it does not mean they should get away with displaying behaviour others are criticized for.

posie- think it may be best to just draw a line under it now. apologies for any offence on my part.