to feel that 'young mums' shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush?

[ElieRM]

Am about to turn 19and DD is 7 wksold.At baby clinic, which I attend fortnightly to get DD weighed and discuss the odd issue with HV, have made a great deal of effort to be friendly to other mums, all of whom are 30+. Can never get more than a curt 'hello', often attract sneaky, unpleasant looks and feel although I'm being judged because of my age. Other mums are happy to sit and chat together, I tend to leave as soon as all necessary business is completed.
Also often attract unpleasant looks when out and about; general concencus of opinion about younger mums seems to be very Daily Mail, all on benefits, single, no prospects, councilhouses etc etc
I KNOW not everyone thinks this, but AIBU to feel a little hard done by? After all, DP and I are in a comitted relationship, we dote on DD and are both students' DP is working flat out to support us over summer, and we're both fully intending on completing our degrees and paying our way!
Often see other young mums swearing at kids, shouting etc and can completly understand why people form opinions. However, should we not be judged on our indivual merits, both as parents and people, rather then simply by the age we gave birth?

I had the same from the physio in the hospital after cs with DD (i was 23) 'Hello love, arn't you a lucky girl to have such a lovely baby, is your mum with you?' Er, no, i'm 23 and DP is at work. 'Oh, but you look so young'

I am 35 and would not choose to sit and chat wit a 19 year old, sorry but true. this would have nothing to do with Daily Mail assault or narrow minded views about young mothers.

i was 25 when i had my ds and always got the same looks i am 29 now people assume im 24 so obviously look much younger and the comments made i hated it when i told people my age etc

i remember one awful incident was with a policeman stopped me cooed over ds then proceeded on how easy it must be for me with ds having council place benefits etc i felt awful i told him straight im 25 yrs old live with my partner and we rent privately thank you very much and walked away its disgusting whatever your circumstances are you should be resp4ected for being a fab mum

congrats some people unfortunately are very judgey and it seems when you become a parent it makes you more competitive to others me i get on with everyone and make no effort with stuck up people who make no effort to know people first

my mum friends range from late teens and late 40's i get on with everybody and never judge i get to know first if i judge its not for age its for attitude

well im 22 and would not choose to chat with you either posie, i have read many threads with you on and NEVER EVER seem to aggree with you, that as you say is to do with your attitude not your age, but you put your last point accross as if you would get to know the person first?? i.e you would look at me guess my age (rightly or wrongly) and chose to talk to me or not on that? that to me sounds V daily mail but perhaps i have take you wrongly?

I am 28 wks pg with long wanted for and desired DC1 with partner of nearly 7 years now. we have our own privately rented house, and both work full time yet i too have been asked if this baby was an accident etc, and it is insulting. i must admit im not shocked but am saddened by it, as it assumes i am incapable etc based on my age alone. i have also been told i am wasting my life etc so OP i feel the same as you. Im shocked to hear this happens to older mothers also, although i suppose had i though about it properly i wouldnt of been. It seems we have lost the ideal of live and let live. and i certainly feel i would rather be judged on my actions when my child comes than on my age, but that is seemingly not the case. I have friends of all ages and find that i can get along with most people, which is why posie's comment astounds me a bit - it summises that because i am not the same age i will have no common factors with her - when in truth all peple are different, yes you get very young 19 yr olds but you also get immature 30 year olds - so i do find that last statement narrowminded!

Anyway OP i think you will continue to do well for your child, are there other groups in your area you can try?

most of my friends are in fact older than me and we all get on so well but i think they choose to look beyond circumstances but at me as a person we all come from different backgrounds some married some single some wealthy some poor but we just get along as we dont look beyond who each of us are

some people presume they are better than others maybe as they own there own home or married or successful and most of the times these people are more lonely as they cant see past there own egos no one wants friends like that

you keep being who your being it took me a while to be established with the other mums making small talk offering coffee after anyone fancy a coffee if declined big smile maybe another time then it pays off

well said bubbla! tht is exactly the same as me, i will be doing the same and trying lots of different places

A real bugbear of mine! I had DS at 19 and while the sale of the house was going through DH & I stayed at my mums which wasn't so bad because it's a big house in a well off area and I had a GREAT HV. This time (at 22) we had been in our house for 3 years but it's in an estate that has alot of council and HV just presummes alot. I got lectured on smoking (never smoked) even by her! My mum is always quick to talk about my 'husband' alot to make sure people know I am married, but I don't care anymore. I lost my ring down the side of the gearstick ages ago and TBH I think marriage is alot more than flashing abit of metal. And if people think I live in a council house, stuff them. Because it wouldn't change who I am if I was unmarried, or lived in a council house. I'd still be the same mum, the same person. I have alot of respect for young mums, I chickened out and had an abortion at 18 so I applaude anyone who is stronger than I am.

YANBU. I know someone who had a baby at 16 and went on to get a degree and do really well in life. Her DD is now 19 and also going to university. The two o them have a great relationship in part I am sure due to her being so young. On the other hand I have a family member who also had a baby at 16. 9 years on she has never worked a day in her life, lives off the state and feels free to share her opinion on me working whilst have 2 young DCs - she simply doesn't understand why I woudlnt just sit on my backside claiming benefits. I am not sure why the two peopl who were in fairly similar circumstances took such differing paths but I guess its partly due to fmaily support and aspiration. In the case of my family member she was simply repeating what her mum had done.

i would also like to say that it was always my intentions to have a family young, personal choice and all of that, which is what some people seem to forget along with the fact that scientifically a womans body is better able to cope with pregnancy and labour from 19-26 ish depending of course on the health and fitness of the individual. i just dont see why a PREGNANCY should be judged, unless you are visably doing something harmful to you unborn child, and you could do that at any age!

Oh dear God Posie, another weird comment from you!

I am 41 years and have genuine friends ranging in age from 16 to 80+. Why on earth would you discount someone as a friend merely because of their age? How bizarre.

Posie, that's a bizarre thing to say. Are there other age groups on your list of people to avoid talking to, or just the 19-year-olds? For example, are you anti-25 year olds or 50-year olds as well? Exactly what demographic do you consider worthy of attention? Or could I posit provocatively that you possibly consider yourself just a bit too grand to talk to anyone who is not exactly like you? Is that not the exact point the OP was making, that some people are, in fact, age snobs?

Hunnie, regarding age, the lady in the Co-op took me for my youngest child's granny the other day. Now THAT was a shock! I am only 41!

oh boffin how annoying!! i bet you dont look a thing like a granny! i remeber being about 13 once and having a cousin in a pram, feeling v grown up to be allowed to walk them in the park next to my nan and grandads, and some old man actually called me a slut. that has stuck with me, it is a sad world really when people blithely judge and assume!

im glad its not just me who finds posie odd!thought it was my age

tiggerR-
I don't wish to be contentious, butfeel I should defend myself on several points.
I didn't make the point about DP working flat out because I believe he should be praised for it, but because I wanted to avoid the assumption he wouldn't be.
Statistically my relationship may not stand a fanatastic chance of success, but statistically I'm not a teen mother, teen pregnancy statistics range from 13-17
Yes, we do claim some benefits, many parents (regardless of age) do. But my point about that is we do not solely live on them, we did not ahve a child to obtain them and everything we claim will be mor ethan paid back in taxes over the causes of our working lives. So thanks to the taxpayers for everything we get, and I mean that most sincerely, but view it as a loan rather than a handout.
I'm unlikely to flake on my plans to return to my studies, returning in September after struggling to get DD into campus nursery. Am considering the longterm, rather have a financially stable future and ahve the drive to do it.
Finally (whew!) I'm not classed as single. Co-habiting/having a partner is almost as valid as marriage in the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of the majority of people.
Sorry, I know you apologised and I accept that, and I fully understand the 4 AM exhaustion. But I did feel the need to pull you up on that.

I thought I looked quite young and vibrant actually, as I don't smoke or drink and use a lot of sunscreen .... but there you go. It's a tartan shopping trolley and a Greggs sausage roll for me.

Also, Boffinmum and hunniesugarplum, re Posie, how true! Very strange comment, I do have friends (admittedly not from Mum and Baby groups) much older than me, mainly from previous jobs and uni, who are more than happy to sit and chat with 19 year olds. Presumably because it is actually possible to have something in common wiht a different demograph. Otherwise how do you explain those wh oare happily married with considerable age gaps?

elie im with you on that one, ive met all different ages of people from all different walks of life, and get along with them just fine. perhaps posie is just an oddball or has an issue she hasnt disclosed...id liek to believe that than she is REALLY THAT NARROW MINDED!! i certainly hope so anyway.

i also aggree that you would be considered not single, im in a similar situation myself, my DP and i are engaged, and i have the engagement rong, and the eternity ring, i just tell people ive not got the wedding abnd yet as there are no diamonds involved ha ha!

Boffin im sure the lady at the co-op was just bleary-eyed, or jealous of your youthful glow, although the sholley (i know the lingo!!) sounds dead good to me

So the point of this thread is that you wish people wouldn't mix you up with the kind of mother you like to look down on?

Teehee, i was desperate for an old-lady style shopping trolley when pregnant! Can't see the shame in it myself1

"I KNOW not everyone thinks this, but AIBU to feel a little hard done by? After all, DP and I are in a comitted relationship, we dote on DD and are both students' DP is working flat out to support us over summer, and we're both fully intending on completing our degrees and paying our way!
Often see other young mums swearing at kids, shouting etc and can completly understand why people form opinions. However, should we not be judged on our indivual merits, both as parents and people, rather then simply by the age we gave birth?"

Everyone judges, its only human to have your own opinions and views.

I dont think age really plays a part in it once your over 18 and an adult, you can be a good mum or a bad mum regardless of age.

I think the judging of young mums is more to do with expecting tax payers to subsidise a lifestyle choice rather than waiting until they are financial able to support their own children - ie at least one in full time employment. As somebody else has pointed out, given the age of some young mums, the relationship may not be that stable or for that long etc.

skidoodle- Nope. I'm not looking downon anyone. I'm making the point that the stereotype doesn't always apply, it doesnt't to me and many others. I'm making no comment on those who do fit the stereotype, I'm sure many of them do a fantastic job as parents. Which is also the point. It's how you do as a parent rather than your circumstances that matter. I just would rather people didn't assume that I'm not worth speaking to because of my age.

they are a convenient way of carry stuff, we should campaign on mn to get them to be considered chic!

Skidoodle im certainly, and i dont think the OP was, jusdging other young mums, we are both simply sayng we dont wish to be considered bad parents because of our ages! there is no air of "dont mix me up with the architypal under pre-pared mum" because i accept that no one is every completely prepared for motherhood. im simply saying dont assume that:

im not working,
living on benefits,
dont know who the dad is!!
etc etc simply because of my age.

i say those examples because they are what i have faced already, not because thats my view of a young mother, or because i think those things make a person unfit. I personally dont look down on anyone, i believe in trying to think that any behaviour or action i see a mother (or a father for that matter) doing that i find unaaceptable would hopefully just be a small snippet of a bad day...

i simply do not wish to have people make assumptions that im the type of person THEY look down on, and in some way am unfit to parent!

incidentally, i saw one (shopping trolley, not young mum) in pink polkadot a while back. the very height of chic!
thanks hunniesugar, you articulated the above point much better than i did! (young mums, not shopping trolleys)

also happy i you believe that tax payers subsidise non-working young parents, do you feel the same hostility to older non-working parents? or to smokers whom the NHS spends money to help? or the elderley who sometimes need financial assistance... everybody needs a little help sometime, your post seems to assume that the "SUbsidy" will purely be because of the birth of a child, and will only apply to younger parents, and will be permanent!

myself and my partner work hard, and we plan to support ourselves, claiming only the standard things from the government (CB and Tax credits), but i would never judge anyone at any age for needing financial help, that is not age or even baby specific!

oh polka dots, now that has got to be chic!!

i dont normally post so much on one topic but this genuinely annoys me!!