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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that 'young mums' shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush?

186 replies

ElieRM · 31/07/2009 17:59

Am about to turn 19and DD is 7 wksold.At baby clinic, which I attend fortnightly to get DD weighed and discuss the odd issue with HV, have made a great deal of effort to be friendly to other mums, all of whom are 30+. Can never get more than a curt 'hello', often attract sneaky, unpleasant looks and feel although I'm being judged because of my age. Other mums are happy to sit and chat together, I tend to leave as soon as all necessary business is completed.
Also often attract unpleasant looks when out and about; general concencus of opinion about younger mums seems to be very Daily Mail, all on benefits, single, no prospects, councilhouses etc etc
I KNOW not everyone thinks this, but AIBU to feel a little hard done by? After all, DP and I are in a comitted relationship, we dote on DD and are both students' DP is working flat out to support us over summer, and we're both fully intending on completing our degrees and paying our way!
Often see other young mums swearing at kids, shouting etc and can completly understand why people form opinions. However, should we not be judged on our indivual merits, both as parents and people, rather then simply by the age we gave birth?

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 01/08/2009 12:14

Couldn't agree more op. The media treat young mums like shit.

The only people who are ''entitled'' to have kids in this country it seems are white, middle class women in their early thirties with a rich hsuband and a house in suburbia. Which is what percentage of the population? Everyone else gets a slagging off.
By the time most modern women have achieved their middle class status their eggs are drying up.

Young mum dosn't necessarily mean bad mum. Be proud.

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 12:17

I also wonder, is it a geographical issue to an extent? For example, attract more negative attention in small , predominantly white, middle class city where we live than I do when we visit larger, multiracial, multi class(?) cities?

OP posts:
skidoodle · 01/08/2009 12:25

Well why the protestations of not being single then? (even though you are not married, and that is actually what many people object to.)

How would you feel if someone posted a thread about not tarring all single mums with the same brush and emphasised their age, as in "I may be single bringing up my kids, but I'm not some teenager without a clue"?

Also making jibes about wearing tracksuits and smoking and drinking kind of undermines your claim not to be judging other mothers.

skidoodle · 01/08/2009 12:25

Well why the protestations of not being single then? (even though you are not married, and that is actually what many people object to.)

How would you feel if someone posted a thread about not tarring all single mums with the same brush and emphasised their age, as in "I may be single bringing up my kids, but I'm not some teenager without a clue"?

Also making jibes about wearing tracksuits and smoking and drinking kind of undermines your claim not to be judging other mothers.

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 12:33

skidodle i have made no jibes, so do not generalise. what is your issue with my marital status? marriage is a religious committment which is a whole other issue!

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 12:38

so skidodle, you are syaing that if i were married my age would not be an issue?? surely then you are saying you dont aggree with single parents, as that is where you are indicating im heading because m young and unmarried?! you have shot your own argument in the foot, and i cannot see why you are bringing single parents into it, unless you assume all young mothers are single?

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 12:40

having experienced being raised by a single parent, i really dont think that has anything to do with debate centred around peoples ages. you are seeing a prejudice that just isnt here!

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 12:41

It's hardly a protestation, it's a statement of fact. was brought up my own mother who was single for four years and did an amazing job so i'm hardly likely to take issue with single mothers. i didn't see them as jibes, it was a comment on how ridiculous the stereotype is.

OP posts:
Kayzr · 01/08/2009 12:42

I had DS1 when I was 20. I found out I was pg the day before I got married. I get lots of comments, normally from old women about being a 'single, teenage mum'. Drives me bloody mad. Now I have 2 I get lots of 'bet they haven't got the same dad'

People need to stop judging young mums. IMO they can be and are just as good as any other mum.

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 12:45

well said ellie and kays, i dont quite get how single mums have been brought into it... but ho hum. ellie i certainly didnt think you were making fun or believing the stereo type, its just what we r faced with, which is ridiculous as my arse is far too big for a tracksuit these days anyway

Kayzr · 01/08/2009 12:48

I wouldn't be seen dead in a tracksuit!! Unless I am doing my exercise dvd in my front room!!

skidoodle · 01/08/2009 12:52

First of all, marriage is a legal commitment, not necessarily a religious one, and it does have implications for children that are worth researching before you become a parent.

Second of all, I said nothing about my feelings on whether people should be married, just that getting your knickers in a twist about not being single, when by some definitions you are is pointless as there are plenty who will judge you for being an unmarried mother.

You're rather making their case for them by accepting that it is important either way whether you are single or not.

If you think that women shouldn't be judged because of when or whether they have children then singleness is as irrelevant as age, wealth, or liking for tracksuits.

Can't you see the aspersions you are casting on other people in the way you are putting your case? Even the point about it being "the best time" to have children implies superiority over women who wait (and again contradicts the claim that age shouldn't be considered an important factor)

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 12:52

or jogging, better a tracksuit then lycras!

OP posts:
Kayzr · 01/08/2009 12:53

Elie, I do a lot of cycling and I have to wear lycra!! Trousers get caught up. I hate it!!

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 12:59

i was stating that as a metaphysically renowed fact, coming from scientists(dunno if it is right or wrong!)and my mw (she's a tad odd bless her), and stating that as an interesting tidbit not a judgement on older mothers!

marriage is a legal committment (and to me a religious committment), however being born to unmarried parents has very few lasting implications on a child provided the father is named on birth certificate, wills are in order etc. i believe a committed relationship is important, not a marriage ceremony, and i fully accept that people have differenct levels of committment, i have found what is comforting and nice for me, and do not judge others i do rather resent the comment that i should have researched the legal implications of bein unmarried before becoming pregnant, as this assumes i havent....

i cannot honestly say im not in the mind of feeling superior over anyone...

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 13:01

Surely if people are going to judge unmarried mothers it would be on grounds relating to religious principles rather than legal ones? i think i've made the point that i don't believe been single married cohabiting is important. i also don't think poshsinglemum was genuinely being superior, like many things you have taken exception to it contained more than a hint of satire.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 01/08/2009 13:08

Describing marriage as solely a religious commitment makes you look kind of ignorant about it.

hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 13:10

wtf?? i am describing what it means to me! i can take my dp's name legally without marrying him, other than rights to his stuff i fail to see what else LEGALLY a marriage would give me that would be essential to my survival? his pension life insurance etc etc all pays out to me, in the event of his untimely demise, we rent together, and any furture mortgage will be joint?!?

skidoodle · 01/08/2009 13:11

Pmsl @ "satire"

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 13:13

who said that? skidoodle, i am not sure if you are wilfully misinterpreting what is said or just being contentious.

OP posts:
hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 13:13

and you can give your child any surname you damn well please so, perhaps im missing the point? marriage is after all a tradition that started in religion? and religion and personal reasons (such as a good party, showing the world our committment etc) would be my reasons for marriage. i cant say i can think of any legal reasons, especially when 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce anyway, so a divorce cant be that hard to get?

what does marriage have to do with age at which you have kids?

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 13:16

hunniesugarplum, is it us being superior/stupid/ignorant? or what? skidoodle, think this is all a little offtopic. please refer to op.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 01/08/2009 13:16

Take his name?

Sorry this is just getting silly now.

You can legally take almost any name you choose.

Original poster
ElieRM · 01/08/2009 13:18

'and you can give your child any surname you damn well please'
'You can legally take almost any name you choose.'
I think hunnie knows that.

OP posts:
hunniesugarplum · 01/08/2009 13:20

yes so what else would i achieve by marrying him. I TRUST MY DP ENOUGH TO HAVE HIS CHILD THEREFORE I DO NOT NEED THE LEGAL PROTECTION OF MARRIAGE. THANKS

Aa ellie said stick to the op or start your own thread, you seem marriage obsessed! criticism of age i can understand but criticism of not bein married is bloody ridiculous, this isnt 1920's oklohoma this is 2009 britain!