to feel that 'young mums' shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush?

[ElieRM]

Am about to turn 19and DD is 7 wksold.At baby clinic, which I attend fortnightly to get DD weighed and discuss the odd issue with HV, have made a great deal of effort to be friendly to other mums, all of whom are 30+. Can never get more than a curt 'hello', often attract sneaky, unpleasant looks and feel although I'm being judged because of my age. Other mums are happy to sit and chat together, I tend to leave as soon as all necessary business is completed.
Also often attract unpleasant looks when out and about; general concencus of opinion about younger mums seems to be very Daily Mail, all on benefits, single, no prospects, councilhouses etc etc
I KNOW not everyone thinks this, but AIBU to feel a little hard done by? After all, DP and I are in a comitted relationship, we dote on DD and are both students' DP is working flat out to support us over summer, and we're both fully intending on completing our degrees and paying our way!
Often see other young mums swearing at kids, shouting etc and can completly understand why people form opinions. However, should we not be judged on our indivual merits, both as parents and people, rather then simply by the age we gave birth?

i'm not all that interested in the legal implications of marriage because i'm not too fussed about getting married. will at somepoint when time and money permits. dp is on dd's birth certificate, he has as many rights as me and she has his name and not mine.
maybe its a family thing? refer to my stepdad as my stepdad despite the fact he isnt married to my mother. because it is the human relationships that are important to me, not a marriage certificate? not saying marriage is or isnt important, jsut for me it isn't the be all and end all. probably because im too young to understand.

oh yes and me ellie, we r too young to see its significane i suppose....

I'm so at this thread, wtf people of 41 being friends with 16 year olds? (I assume some of their children must be of a similar age)

I have yet to meet a 19 that I consider an adult... nice person, mature etc but not an adult.

Hunnie... I'm sorry I really don't understand your post:
Well im 22 and would not choose to chat with you either posie, i have read many threads with you on and NEVER EVER seem to aggree with you, that as you say is to do with your attitude not your age, but you put your last point accross as if you would get to know the person first?? i.e you would look at me guess my age (rightly or wrongly) and chose to talk to me or not on that? that to me sounds V daily mail but perhaps i have take you wrongly?

How odd. Clearly 19 year olds are not children, I remember at that age reading a an article by someone with a much younger girlfriend (or was it boyfriend) and they said they realised it wasn't working when they made a reference to records (as in LPs) and the person didn't know what they were. A few other 'before your time' references were made; I read the article and thought 'Well I am that age and I know about all of those things, it's your own fault with going out with a vacuous bimbo'. I'm quite happy discussing 1970s politics or 1960s music, even if I didn't experience it first time around.

Generally people get on with people of similar social class/background/education/interests, not so much age.

Anyway, to the OP, how much do you fit the 'young mum' stereotype? Do you own any tracksuits? What are you studying and where?

Not children but not yet adults, I think life shapes people.

I'd bought a house overseas, got married, and lived in five different countries by the time I was 19.

And since then you've not matured? You're the same person?

Time not experiences alone are who we are.

Some people are immature morons at 60.

There is also an argument that women SHOULD be having babies between 18-25 or so because it is their biological prime and the births go easier, plus there is also less risk of genetic deformity. However in our society we have muddled all this up and confused social/financial capital with biological capital. Hence the NHS spends a fortune on supporting older mothers with fertility problems, IVF-induced multiple births and problematic pregnancies. Yet funnily this is the very same social group who are 'supposed' to be having their kids (i.e well into their thirties).

41 years ago my 26 year old mum was labelled an 'elderly primagravida' and the rest of the mums on the ward were between 18-21 in the main. Food for thought.

I have to agree with you BoffinMum. I was 26 when I had my first child, (he's 16) and it seems positively juvenile now. But I was on my second marriage and my third mortgage by then, and I'd been working full time in London for eight years! Things are different now - young couples stay in education longer, they have higher expectations materially, and in terms of career and life experiences before becoming parents, plus it's tougher on the property ladder now than it was for us.But I do sometimes think that educated, relatively affluent couples have their priorities all wrong and are playing a game of russian roulette with their fertility.

I suppose the common sense answer is that there must be a balance between being emotionally mature, mentally equipped, socially responsible, and (fairly) financially independent, and on the other hand, not being too obsessed with having largely paid off your mortgage, making Director/Partner status at work, and being able to afford school fees before you dare to start a family. Babies don't need great material riches but they do need emotional stability. Having said that, their prospects in health, education, and life in general are (statistically) vastly, colossally superior if their parents just wait 5 or 10 years........

I know exactly what you mean! I am a young mum (21) and am feeling quite down at the moment due to rude comments, mainly from work colleagues (who are all 40 plus). I had my dd at 20 and when I was pregnant, I had comments such as "well I suppose at least its not from a one night stand", " you know I dissaprove of this sort of thing" and announcing to everyone I came into contact with "oohlalaa is pregnant, did you know? well you cant hide it forever oohlalaa", as if I was so ashamed (or should be) that I was keeping it a secret.

One woman even kept telling customers that I was unmarried fgs! I honestly didnt think people really bothered about having children out of wedlock anymore. I find it interesting as I am not really sure if they dissaprove of young mums, or unmarried mums. One of my colleagues had no problem with another older, unmarried mother who we worked with, or her daughters 19 year old married friend. But my situation was wrong, it smacks of hipocracy to me. We both work hard to support our daughter and I find it quite upsetting to think that people might look down on me because I had a child young. Now I am back at work its just as bad. I am sure I get gossiped about as I have been asked " you get benefits, dont you?", " I heard you were having money/ partner problems?" which are all completely untrue.

We are the best parents we can be and provide a loving stable home for our child, who is anyone to judge us? From the comments I have received it makes me feel that being young automatically makes you a second rate mum. I am also talked to in a very dumbed down way and patronised quite often. I need a new job! I sometimes feel as though I have to prove something to everyone. Although to be fair dont all parents? I guess most of us are frowned upon by someone, too young, too old, not strict enough, too strict, too lentil weavery, we just cant win!

Oohlaalaa, that is very sad. Britain can be a miserable, mean-minded country when it comes to kids, can't it? What's the problem with being pleased for people?

If you were one of my members of staff I would be sharing my top secret chocolate stash with you, and organising a whip round to buy you an ace present for the baby. So there.

YANBU, I'm 19, I have a one year old DD. I'm quite shy and hate any sort of confrontation. Just once I've snapped and in my most charmingly sweet voice pointed out I have AAAA at A level, including 100% in my english literature A level, a place to read medicine at Cambridge and a bf at one of the best law schools in the country so yes, actually DD does have parents with prosepcts. It was rather exhilarating but I wouldn't do it again as I got a bit carried away in the heat of the moment and pointed a few of the woman's peronal failings quite vividly...

My mother makes me acutely aware of the fact that I look very young for my age. She feels the need to justify my age to strangers, and is always telling them that I'm 23, even though I look about 17. I try not to think about the fact that, were she not my mother, she would be one of the people giving me a dirty look, judging me without knowing who I am.

It is hurtful when people pull faces, and if I've had a bad day I will be upset by it, but in the end, that is their problem. They don't know me, and to be honest, if they are going to be pulling faces at young pregnant ladies on the bus, I don't want to be acquainted with them.

Just been speaking to my own mum about this, she was 23 when I was born, she told me she once answered the door to a politician canvassing the neighbourhood and he saw her holding her baby (me) and sighed and asked if he could 'please speak to your parents YOUNG LADY' she replied well yes but I don't know why you'd want to? They live in Scotland. You can speak to myself and my husband though, as the homeowners we CAN vote in election...

Thanks boffin mum, you sound very lovely indeed. To be fair I did receive some very fab gifts from my nicer colleagues! I guess some people are just very set in their ways and will never change their view on young mums, no matter how hard I try to change it for them . Sorry for the thread hijack but Academicallytormented, I followed your thread about your university dilemma with interest. Well done you for getting so far and I felt you came to an excellent solution that will hopefully work well for your family. I wish you all the best. Imho, having children quite young can sometimes give you more determination to make a success of your life and not let it be a burden or something to be ashamed of. I have never been more proud of anything I have ever done in my whole life than giving birth to my amazing daughter and nurturing her into a lovely happy child!

I'm not sure whether to be amused or slightly offended, but there is a new magazine out locally to me called "Thirtysomething Mums" which is all full of lovely lentil-weavery stuff, ie all the kind of stuff I'd be interested in (and spend my money on) despite being 21! I just find it bizarre that they would name the magazine based on age.

Oh and also, I did NCT classes when I was pregnant and the other mums are all lovely despite being about 15 years older than me. I do feel like I have made friends and fit into the group They even ask me to find things on the internet for them as they are all a bit wary of forums! But they look out for me as well which is nice.

Mrschemist i am the same, i am 24 but seriously look about 15 (17 on a bad day) The amount of people when i mention i have a DD 'Oh, goodness, but you are so young!' Erm yes, but i am probably not as young as you think and i am married (i sometimes want to add what job my DH does and that he is most likely on double what they earn, but of course i don't, just smile to myself ) i know that sounds a bit bitchy, but it does make you defensive.

My mw told me that 22/23 is the best age to have a baby physically as you have stopped growing yourself (which can be the biggest problem with teenage mums) and your body is in its prime.

Personally, i hope to have had all my children by the time i'm about 32ish and then i am still young enough to enjoy them and still have time to do things once they've grown up. That is my choice. How can anyone tell me that it is any better or worse than their choice? And judge me because of it?

Alice, it's cool when you're in your 40s and they're still going 'You're so young!' Make the most of it. I reckon I look about 5 years younger, sometimes a bit more, and you can see people rapidly trying to do the maths ...!

Question - if having kids so young is so awful, how come we all look so well on it???

Tbh, i reckon its because we are so used to being on all night benders that we cope better with the lack of sleep

I think generally, younger mums tend to be a little bit more relaxed and have fun with their kids. I say generally, but obviously there are exceptions

It does annoy when people quote statistics about dcs of young parent being disadvantaged or not having good oppotunities. Statistics about young parents are never going to be accurate; they will not be gathered by independant bodies but by governtment lackeys.
SO, govt doesn't like young parents because SOME are a burdenon the state. So to gather statistics, they'll gather information about young parents in an area atricken with poverty and with high unemployment, and then say its refelctive of all young parents. Of course the children of those parents will ahve worse prospects! But I don't think statistics are a good measure of anything, there's always an agenda and they're always manipulated to fit that agenda.

SomeGuy- I do own a tracksuit yes. I am a keen jogger. I have been known to enjoy a drink of an evening, usually a small glass of wine, I have smoked cigarettes but never in front of DD and only socially. Currently in the process of giving up.
I study public service management in york.

YANBU. I had dd1 age 20 but i am tiny/v petite and have a baby face so people thought I was about 14, got the looks all the time and I wear a hijab too so ppl were probably thinking i was weak & oppressed. dh student too, what pissed me off even more was that midwives thought they could boss me around big time and tell me what to do with my life esp. when talking about contraception. one actually held my hand and said 'listen dear, we'll do everything we need to to make sure you needn't go through this again'.
i do get asked ALL the time if i'm my dd's babysiter and when i say they're mine i know people think i'm lying i just get that 'look'. I did used to have to exert my prescence in toddler groups etc but once I open my gob people tend to realise that despite my age i'm able to string a couple of half decent sentences together ;-)

oh and good luck with your degree i managed to complete mine through TWO pregnancies and recently got accepted on the PGCE course now my dds are 2 and 4. When I told the interviewers that i have two children they tried not to let their jaws drop